Remember when your Facebook privacy settings were non-existant and you were happy to let anyone on your university network scroll through pictures, overly intimate wallposts and address? Yes, I once actually had my address on there. Anyway, while it's good that things have changed (I repeat: I had my address on there), it does limit your ability to full-on stalk people you have outrageous crushes on. Three cover photos and a ‘Born in Didcott’ doesn’t quite scratch the stalking itch that would have us in front of a blinking screen at 1am making solid headway through their ‘Drunk again what’ 2006 photo album. Or, even better, the ‘Christmassing with the fam’ one so you can see if his dad is fit and whether he’ll have any hair once he hits 40. OK, so it’s incredible creepy now I’ve seen it written down, but you can’t deny it made for some excellent nights in.
Now, we’ve got to be content with just Facebook stalkingthe people we’re friends with – so you’d better make sure you stay connected with as wide a range of people as possible. Why? Because from boosting your confidence with schadenfreude, to giving you motivation, there are five people you’re probably friends with that you're going to need to stalk sometimes. And, listen, that’s OK...
The Crush
It’s not the same as at uni, but there's still that guy who always wins the ‘who has the fittest Facebook friend’ game. Does anyone else play that game except from me? Alone? Cool. Either way, when you’re feeling like the world is cruel and men are heartless pricks, it’s comforting to know that there are people out there who look like him. And he can’t be the only one in the world like that. There will be others. Essentially, the crush is a beacon of hope in the current climate of dating stagnation, despair and broken hearts. Yayzers.
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The Moaning Arsehole
Every status refers to the fact that their train home was very busy, they can’t sleep, they hate their job or that they just made a cake and it fell out of the oven and squashed their child into another dimension. You know, the totally mundane stuff. They’re egged on by enablers who like the statuses and comment things like, ‘oh GOD so SORRY BABE is it OK uOK wots rong???///!!!111,’ and if anyone has the audacity to question why they are, for example, moaning about their boyfriend when they live with their boyfriend, they release an avalanche of irrational hatred. Like hounds. Hatred cyber hounds. You stalk them so you can send screengrabs to your mates with captions like, ‘Kate’s having another smashing time.’
The Perfect One With The Great Life
You need this to pull you out of your darkest moments. When you’ve eaten nothing but simple carbohydrates and cheese for 12 hours, worn the same pyjamas all weekend and refuse to get off your arse and send that important email/do the extra work to get that promotion/go to the gym/whatever then you stumble on their profile. They’ve got a great job, just got engaged, all their mates are gorgeous and post hilariously witty and dry things on their wall and every link they share is either thought provoking or pant-wettingly hilarious. This person will motivate you, after you’ve been paralysed by a cold wave of jealousy, and you’ll one day get really drunk at a party and go up to them and say thank you. Which won’t be weird (it really will).
READ MORE: Hate Following On Facebook Can Be Good For You. Here's Why
The One Who Lost Weight Or Got More Attractive
Sadly, this works both ways because, as human beings, we’re essentially cretins. The fascination of scrolling back through someone’s photos and seeing them expand never gets old – not for any other reason that we all want to transform ourselves, so seeing someone actually do it is mesmerising. The schareude felt when someone who was a dick, or an ex, or a dick ex, gains loads of weight and starts resembling Nigel Farage simply cannot be beaten. The guilt felt afterwards is worth the boost felt during.
Your BFF’s New Mate
Your best mate in the world suddenly brings a New Person to the pub. They met at work and she’s sooo fun and you go home early because suddenly you can't do all your normal in-jokes because Carrie doesn’t understand it so you have to talk about normal things like what’s going on in the news. Obviously she has added you as a friend before you get home (desperate?), so is instantly added to your new retro-stalking rota because this interloper needs to be put under intense observation. Why? Inevitably, the moment comes when she’s pictured out with your BFF, tagged in a cool club you used to take the piss out of, and nobody asked you what you were doing that night. Well you were fine just being alone and having no plans, thankyouverymuch.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.