Hey kids! Congratulations on being in a fantastic realtionship with a man or lady that you've absolutely decided is The One. Whilst we fully support you decisions to be a adorable as hell behind closed doors, there's much to be said for keeping your relationship far and away from social media (and as far away from The Cloud as possible: Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel in Sex Tape?utm_source=debrief_media&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=sony_sex_tape){href='http://www.blinkbox.com/movies/sex-tape-(62690)?utm_source=debrief_media&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=sony_sex_tape' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer'}). Here's a handy cut-out-and-keep guide on how to avoid the overshare.
Resist the coupley selfie
I mean, resist selfies in general unless you’re 14 or you’ve got a totally hilarious spot/bruise/last night’s makeup smudge that’s in the shape of a cat. Couple selfies are best taken on a case by case basis though. For starters, after sex selfies aren’t and shouldn’t ever be a thing, whereas cute ones where you're both on holiday together are only mildly nauseating. The only couple selfie we can possibly think about allowing to stay on our Instagram feed is your one from Halloween where you dressed up as two giant boobs. Excellent comedy value that one.
Tone your language down on FB
At the risk of sounding way out of touch with the kids, some things are totally fine to keep private, like how you once accidentally peed your pants then blamed it on a spilled drink during fireworks night in 2005. Also fine to keep private? What your secret names you and your boyfriend have for each other are. Because trust us, there is nothing that’ll take our respect for you from ten to zero faster than seeing you refer to him as ‘Mr. Snufflington’ on his Facebook wall. It’s a no from us.
Don’t be in a relationship on Facebook
Less an overshare, more a lesson how to extricate yourself from a sticky situation with as little pain as possible. Committing to each other on Facebook is certainly sweet and almost definitely the new benchmark for knowing for sure if you’re ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ or not but trust us on this one, ending a relationship is about seventeen times easier if you don’t have to break up on Facebook too. Because the ‘who’s going to do it first’ saga quickly escalates to the ‘OMG I can’t believe he did it first’ escapade. And no-one wins in that situation.
Keep your relationship off Twitter entirely
Facebook means you’re (technically) surrounded by friends, or at least you should be if you did the adding process right, but Twitter, Twitter’s got like Obama on it, and he can see your profile. In all likelihood he’s not going to have a look, neither are any of the other super important people you follow but on the off chance they do decide to check you out after that super funny Tweet you penned got retweeted a bunch of times do you do you really want your whole feed to be ‘@boyfriendno1 I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SMOOOSHIE’? Thought not.
Snapchat doesn’t make it OK
Just because something disappears after a few seconds doesn’t mean we want to see it. Like, the reason we’ve never seen the Kim Kardashian sex tape isn’t because we know it’s always going to be there, it’s because we just don’t want to. Ditto for your picture of your boyfriend’s bum. Just because it won’t be on our phone forever doesn’t mean we want to see that weirdly hairy little peach.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.