I’m A Size 14, Here’s Why Pandemic Online Shopping Has Damaged My Self Esteem

There’s never a good time to buy trousers, when it comes to your self-esteem. But online, during lockdown, during a global pandemic is probably up there with one of the worst. Since March 2020 a huge proportion of our clothes shopping (along with all our other shopping) has been pushed online thanks to Covid restrictions forcing shops to close, then open, then close their doors for many weeks of the past year.

Even if you loved to online shop before the pandemic, having no other option has pushed some of the issues we already had with it to the forefront. The most stressful of those is: I never have any idea if anything I’ve bought will actually fit me. As a pear shaped size 14, buying trousers that fit my waist and my bum at the same time is a total guessing game if I can’t take ten different pairs to a changing room to try them. This is distressing enough IRL, (I remember one particularly harrowing trip to the Oxford St branch of & Other Stories during which not a single pair of jeans would pull up past my knees, and I silently screamed into the world’s least flattering mirror as the queue built up behind the curtain) but at least you had more control over what you took into the changing room to try.

The issue with online shopping is that you’re not going to order ten pairs of jeans on the off-chance one will fit. This would mean: emptying your bank account and waiting two months for the refund to show up, and a mortifying trip to the post office with the world’s largest ASOS bag to send them all back. And so, the trouser section of my wardrobe has suffered in the past year. I did manage to get one pair of jeans from US brand Everlane, whose sizing and styles I find incredibly inclusive (and while I love them it turns out I actually haven’t worn them much, because wearing jeans to WFH is sociopathic) and another cropped wide-legged pair from Monkiwhose sizing is generous and easy to understand.

Beyond trousers, though, while it used to be a treat, I am finding online shopping a fairly joyless experience as we are forced to use it to buy everything we need. As a curvy woman I feel like I’m playing Russian roulette when I flick between ‘M’, ‘L’ and ‘XL’ - it’s almost impossible to know what will fit me and what won’t without seeing the products with my own eyes, and holding them against myself (or, where trousers are concerned being able to check if the fabric has the right amount of stretch). As a result I’ve been left with items which aren’t quite right but, because I could get them on, I’ve kept them because it felt like some minor victory against the system. Items which are too big for me often end up not going back. I think to myself ‘it’s comfier this way’ or ‘the next size down will be too small and I’ll end up back at the post office AGAIN’.

It's worth noting at this point that I am not someone who lacks self-confidence, or who dislikes my appearance. I actually consider myself the fittest and healthiest I've ever been: during the past year I've started exercising more than ever, and my diet has improved with working from home as I'm able to make all of my meals myself. But self-esteem is a nebulous thing and can be easily affected by eagerly awaiting the arrival of a new top only to find it's the size of a surgical mask.

I just bought a pair of expensive trousers from Net a Porter in an XL (which the brand claimed was a 14); when they arrived I could barely get them past my knees. A size 14 woman shouldn’t be sized out of mainstream brands - no one should. After playing the old sizing lottery once again, I’ve thought a lot about brands who set their XL as a 12 or 14 and call it quits, without including larger sizes in their spectrum - and how they think this affects women’s self esteem when they don't feel seen or properly catered for.

I wonder what it would be like to click on a size during an online spree and feel confident it will be perfect on you (probably not a common feeling: a recent Grazia survey found that 75% of women have struggled to find the right size while online shopping, while fewer than half agreed that they can always find a size that fits their body shape). With more and more shops closing down and being absorbed by online retailers, I can’t help but think this issue is going to get worse rather than better.

We’re all fumbling in the virtual dark to find these perfect pieces which fit us, look good on us, work for us in the pandemic (jumpsuits with lots of fiddly buttons? Too lazy these days. Trousers which don’t have elasticated waistbands? You’ve got to be kidding) and buy into new trends all at the same time. With the online shopping experience such a triggering one for anyone whose body doesn’t fit some precise sizing structure (which is the majority of us), it is time we looked at how this can change.

Self esteem and shopping are far more closely linked than fun and shopping and we’re all feeling ever delicate about ourselves, our bodies and what we wear as we enter the twelfth month of this pandemic. While we are making some steps in theright direction when it comes to inclusivity in fashion, when it comes to shopping retailers would be savvy to provide more helpful guides to their sizing, with transparent approaches to decoding what they provide - and, most importantly, increase the spectrum of sizes they are offering too. Online shopping should feel like a fun escape, not an emotional assault course which leaves you hating your body and out of pocket while you wait for your refund.

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