Things You’ll Know If You’re An Office Newbie

Devil Wears Prada

by Edwina Langley |
Published on

No one likes being the 'newbie' in an office. It's kind of exhausting, isn't it? Not to mention intimidating, nerve-racking, frightening... and that's before you've even considered the work aspect of the job you've been hired to do.

Rest assured you're not alone; everyone has felt this way at some point in their career (yes, even them – the 'confident' one who everyone loves but looks at you like you smell.)

If you've ever been new to an office, here are some things you'll know to be true...

You get told everyone's name in your first hour and instantly forget them

Because you're not concentrating on their names, are you, you're looking to see if their faces are nice and whether they'll be the ones to put you in a taxi when you pass out at the Christmas party.

You're too embarrassed to ask where the bathroom is so you just hold on


You end up going to the bathroom at the same time as your boss and she takes the next door cubicle

You can't pee now. Flush and leave.

In fact, you will definitely find yourself in some sort of WC drama

There'll be no paper, you'll block the loo, someone would have done something awful just before you went in and when you come out the person waiting thinks it's you... This and more will happen.

**You ask if anyone wants tea or coffee and no one replies **

You have three options:

a) Ask again

b) Go and get one anyway

c) Sit down and just not talk for a while, or maybe, a year.

You choose: c). Obviously.

You make friends with an office mug

It's your only friend in those early days and it immediately becomes 'your' mug. You use this mug for the rest of time (and want to punch anyone else who uses it too. Which is usually the person who doesn't know it's your mug – the office newbie)

You get told to hand something to Sarah, but you've no idea who Sarah is

And you're terrified she's the person sitting opposite you who you just had that long conversation with about tube fares. Sarah? Is That YOU...?

You know that checking your phone is basically illegal

So you ignore the 'good luck/how's it going' messages from your family, friends and fella... which is like finding a spot on your nose and not squeezing it.

You laugh at everyone's jokes

Everyone's. And you develop a new office laugh in the process; some weird noise you've never made before.

You come in early and work late

Even if you have nothing to work on, which is likely as it's your first day and so far you've only got a new email address and been shown where the stationary cupboard is.

You have no idea how to work the photocopier so you hover nearby till someone else uses it to show you how it's done

And you feel ridiculous asking them because they normally reply: 'Just press that green button that says 'copy' on it'.

It's someone's birthday in the first week and you don't know what to write in the card

So you just put Happy Birthday! which you realise sounds lame and devoid of imagination but it's too early to unleash your sense of humour on the people.

You have to put money in the person's card and you've no idea how much to put in

TBH you resent giving anything at all because who the hell even is Jeff and what did he give you for your birthday? But you do it anyway and you're generous. Crisp £10 note. Yes. That's the office newbie you are...

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