Is Our Support Of Miley & Kaitlyn’s Relationship Based On Benevolent Biphobia?

Like most people on the internet, when I saw pictures of Miley Cyrus and Kaitlyn Carter getting intimately acquainted on a yacht, my initial reaction was the hands up emoji. Because what's nicer to see than two extremely attractive young people who are clearly in the can't-keep-my-hands-to-myself honeymoon period?

Only, in case you missed it, Miley is one half of one of the most high profile break-ups of the year. She and her husband, Liam Hemsworth, have called it a day after having been on and off since 2009.

It's impossible to know what happens behind closed doors, but what we do know is that they only filed for divorce on the 21st of August, a week and a half after announcing their split.

There's an etiquette to break-ups - celebrity or otherwise, and a pillar of that etiquette is that you don't move on straight away, and if you do, you don't rub it in your ex's face via social media.

Everyone involved in the Cyrus/Hemsworth schism has been tasteful and mature, Miley had stated that she didn't cheat on Liam, Liam hasn't commented on the relationship. But seeing your ex wife move on with another woman comes with quite a specific set of challenges.

'Why my ex girlfriend left me and started going out with a woman, I felt that I had to be okay with it', says Ryan*, 29.

'I wanted to support her in her coming out, especially as her family were quiet anti it. But in the same token, seeing her with someone else was incredibly painful, and the fact that she moved on so fast really hurt me. I felt like my options were to be homophobic, or supportive. So I chose supportive. But really I wanted to block her and not see any pictures of them together, and pretend none of it was happening.'

Ryan's experience is quite a common one. Lily, 30, told Grazia: 'My boyfriend broke up with me and then started dating a guy. Because it was a big step for him to be open about his bisexuality, I had to be nice. But if he'd been posting happy loved up pics of him with another girl I'd have been sticking pins in a voodoo doll. I didn't feel like I was allowed to be angry with him, but I was angry. He broke my heart.'

If Miley had been all over another man so close to her break up with Liam (it's worth nothing, there's no reason to believe Cyrus was cheating), the reaction would, most likely have been different.

Why do we treat her same-sex relationship differently? And isn't there an element of benevolent biphobia?

Benevolent biphobia is a bit like benevolent sexism - the intent isn't bad. Just like a man offering to do something for you because he assumes that you're not able to do it yourself, benevolent biphobia is when people are hyper supportive of your relationship in an attempt to prove that they're not biphobic.

These behaviours are termed benevolent because there is no conscious choice to be abusive, but they are still problematic and damaging.

The tendency to treat same sex relationships as 'just a friendship' or a 'phase' is particularly pronounced in female/female liaisons. Traditionally, being bisexual as a woman comes with a hefty pinch of salt. People assume that you're having some performative sex and will eventually settle down with a man.

Again, the reaction to Miley and Kaitlyn smacks of this disbelief in same sex female relationships.

Initially it was reported that Miley and Kaitlyn were having 'girlfriend time' on a yacht, despite the fact that they were practically licking each other. If Miley had so much as shared a plate of pasta with a man on a yacht, social media would have been mocking up their wedding invitations.

Sadly in 2019, column inches and outrage are the measure of taking something serious.

It's not that Miley and Kaitlyn should have been dragged or cancelled for having a super quick bounce back. But way the way their relationship has been treated reminds me of personal experience of being with women - namely having the relationship treated with a kind of gentled condescension, because it wasn't 'just a girl on girl' thing.

Watching the person you love move on with someone is agony - no matter what gender they are.

While Miley Cyrus and Kaitlyn Carter deserve all the happiness in the world, they're both coming out of long term relationships, and could probably have considered allowed their other halves to mourn for a while before making headline news with their sparkling new love.

The acceptance of Kaitlyn of Miley seems to be more about the refusal to see two women as a genuine and legitimate couple, rather than an acceptance of their love.

We should treat all romantic relationships identically, regardless of whether or not they are with people of the same sex or the opposite sex - for better or worse.

That means supporting same-sex liasons and cheering them on. But it also means holding people accountable for their behaviour when it's less than perfect.

READ MORE: Let's talk about Miley's reinvention