Halloween is just under a month away, but there’s something far scarier which puts shivers into single men and women across the country. Ghosting.
As someone with an avoidant attachment style which I’ve spent the last six years working through in therapy, and someone who was so keen to forge a deeper romantic connection that I decided to go on a Netflix reality TV dating show, I can offer a personal perspective on this. And it isn’t pretty.
In my view, ghosting is symptomatic of modern dating culture.
Once upon a time, we existed in smaller communities, where dating meant finding someone in a local bar, or through a friend, and getting to know them. And that meant you had to be accountable for your behaviour, because if you weren’t, people in those communities would hold you accountable.
Then, the internet happened. Now, you can meet a complete stranger at a click of a button. And as paradoxical as it sounds, more choice doesn’t mean more successful relationships.
So why do men ghost?
When we’re flicking through the apps at the end of a long day, we forget the images we see are other human beings. Some men tend to look at women as commodities or assets (shout out to the finance bros), getting a dopamine hit with each match or deal.
And this means they behave, well, less like humans themselves.
The thrill of matching with someone who’s out of your league, who you take pure aesthetic value from, takes precedence over finding someone we’re actually compatible with, whose values echo ours, whose goals and ambitions we admire and share.
Then you finally meet up, and guess what? They’re nice. They’re hot. But not your cup of tea.
And this is where the ghosting bit comes in.
Rather than being honest about how we’re feeling, a lot of men want to people please. We want to make that person fall for us. Win their affection and validation. Even if we don’t feel the same way.
Before you know it, you have a couple of drinks, you’re getting on well, you lose track of time and end up in a warm, fuzzy embrace or in the back of a taxi. Fast forward to the next morning and we’re in a situation where we have to let the person down, and rather than be honest, we disappear.
We pretend it’s because we don’t want to hurt their feelings, but in reality, it’s about protecting ourselves. Remember that people pleasing point? We’d rather shut off all communication than risk a confrontation. Because that holds a mirror up to our own behaviour. When in fact, all my single female friends want is honesty and transparency.
And what if, God forbid, we actually like the person?
This is where the shit really hits the fan. We’ve presented a version of ourselves that we can’t live up to. The shop window dressing is taken down and you’re back in the warehouse, wearing a high-vis jacket saying ‘help me’.
And rather than being vulnerable and showing some of our flaws, which ironically is what I believe most women want from a relationship, we disappear in a puff of smoke.
How to avoid being ghosted?
It’s hard out there.
I don’t want to be a party pooper for the guys here, but my number one rule is – take things slow. Don’t jump into bed straight away. Take time to discover if you’re compatible on an emotional level and you’re not just getting lost in excitement and lust. Trust me, it’ll make the sex better when that time comes.
Date with intent. Ask questions around values, goals, ambitions. Make sure you’re on the same page with this stuff, even if you’re worried it’ll scare the guy off. Frankly, if it does, they weren’t the right guy for you anyway.
And for crying out loud, get out into the real world, and if you like the look of someone, tell them.
There are some amazing organisations like Bored of Dating Apps which offer the opportunity to meet in-person, without some of the stigma attached to singles events.
And apps like CLIQ, which is all about facilitating in-person connection around shared interests. What could be better than meeting someone at an event which you’re both passionate about?
There are good people out there
I get it. It’s easier said than done. And ghosting isn’t a solely male behaviour, I’ve been ghosted myself and it hurts.
But there are plenty of good men and women out there. I just believe we need to ask better questions when we date and, for men in particular, hold each other accountable for poor behaviour and encourage better communication.