Today we all have one more reason to be thrilled and thankful that we are not Hollywood A Listers. Not only will we never have to suffer the indignity of a vampire facial, or be the subject of a 28-picture photo gallery for driving a car while also wearing a hat – chances are that we will never, ever have to attend an event wearing what manufacturers Shibue have named a ‘Strapless Panty’ and what we’re calling ‘a frightening flesh coloured Elastoplast for your fanny’.
SEE ALSO: More Life stories
The instructional diagram makes us nostalgic for the days we spent struggling to figure out the pictures on the back of a box of Tampax. You peel back a strip and stick the ‘panty’ (EUGHHHH! EUGHHHHHH! Just typing that word makes a journo want to chop off her own hands) to the area below your navel, then you pull the string under and stick the smaller end to your bottom.
According to sources, they’re beloved by stylists, and could be seen – well, sort of – all over the catwalks at recent shows. But it’s pretty telling that we live in a world in which women are encouraged to display their bits while covering them up with a giant bandage, transforming them into a sort of sexless human Barbie, rather than say, ‘You know what? If you’re going to persuade me that a slit-beyond-the-crotch frock counts as fashion, you’re going to have to just deal and look at my actual fanny.’
Ultimately, as long as we have bodies, people will be figuring out ways to make us fear them, and make money from them. But it’s a dark day when a company comes up with a bit of kit that makes the Hollywood wax look progressive. Still, here are some alternative uses for your strapless panty (ARGHHH! ARGHHHHHH!).
Pre-jazzle your panty, by adorning it with decorative crystals before you stick it on. See if you can spell out ‘TOOL OF THE PATRIARCHY’.
Use the adhesive feature to stick it to a branch, fill it with bird seed and watch the wildlife flock. Invite your mates round and make tenuous jokes about how you don’t care about having a bird in hand, because there are two in your fake bush.
Wear it to a party, detach the strips on arrival, walk into the middle of the room and loudly announce, ‘I am shedding my skin, like a snake! See!’ while letting it fall to the floor.
Force your boyfriend to strap his penis into one and wear it for 24 hours if he ever complains that ‘women have it too easy’.
Stick it to a wall and use it as a little pouch to collect your pen lids and old holiday Euros.
** Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollerGirl**
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.