‘OK so I, Julie, am going to vent for a min. I have had it...the minister that was going to marry us just backed out cuz he can't/won't do marriage counseling cuz Clifford is in prison...Then he reminded me that "bad company corrupts good company" ... WTF? really considering just doing it while he is locked up!’
Ignoring the terrible spelling and grammar for one minute, let me welcome you to the - very prolific - world of dating an inmate. Strong Prison Wives is a growing US-based website where those with incarcerated partners can chat, share stories, and ask advice from each other. It’s a weird place, but pretty popular nonetheless and part of a growing number of US websites dedicated to pairing up women with men behind bars for romance. At the time of writing, one of the newest the Strong Prison Wives’ Instagram account has just over 1,500 followers, their Facebook page has 5,736 ‘likes’ and they have an extensive website, complete with forums, an events page and photo gallery where members can share pictures of them and their locked up love ones.
He made me feel so special and like I was the most important person in the world, so a few more months passed and we ended up becoming a couple
Dating a criminal is a topic that's received a fair amount of attention in the past week thanks to the mugshot of the so-called world's hottest criminal Jeremy Meeks going viral- and his wife not being happy. But what's it like in reality? ‘I actually met this guy while he was locked up,’ I read on one site in a message from the user ‘blaquesmagic’ on Strong Prison Wives. ‘At first I just reached out to him, attempting to make a friend… But after a month or so into it, he revealed he was into me and was hoping for more. He made me feel so special and like I was the most important person in the world, so a few more months passed and we ended up becoming a couple.’ Below this post are numerous responses from women keen to share their own story too. ‘OMG my story is so similar!’ writes one member, another adding: ‘I’m experiencing the same thing… It’s hard. Hang in there.’
There have been multiple studies and papers published that investigate what you might call the ‘phenomenon’ of being attracted to prisoners. Reasons vary from women feeling the need to nurture these men, to having low self-esteem, to hybristophilia – which is when a person gets sexually excited by people who are violent (yes, really). In her book ‘Women Who Love Men Who Kill’, the American author Sheila Isenberg interviewed hundreds of people who were in relationships with prisoners but ultimately concluded: ‘They absolutely don't love too much. They don't really love at all,’ suggesting that it was more lust and base attraction that led these women becoming involved with inmates. Indeed, it is hard to imagine how you could fall deeply in love with someone if you’ve only every communicated through letters – after all, conjugal programs are on the decline in America, with only six states offering them, and they are strictly kept for medium or lesser security prisons. One American woman married to a man who has been sentenced to life without parole told CNN that: ‘I have to be physically detached, and I'm emotionally attached.’
A quick Google search of ‘dating an inmate’ reveals hundreds of American websites, with names ranging from the rather bland ‘Meet-an-inmate’, to ‘Love a prisoner’, to ‘Inmate Passions’
So with sex pretty much out of the question you’ve got to ask, why do these women do it? Whilst it is perhaps understandable for a person to stand by their partner if they are imprisoned, what is more puzzling is the women who actively seek out those already incarcerated. A quick Google search of ‘dating an inmate’ reveals hundreds of American websites that could help you do just that, with names ranging from the rather bland ‘Meet-an-inmate’, to ‘Love a prisoner’, to ‘Inmate Passions’. It would seem that for many young women their story is similar to our aforementioned friend, ‘blaquesmagic’: initially they reach out to form a friendship with these men, and then it ends up turning into something more.
I speak to Cassandra, a 24-year-old from San Diego who met Justin, a man convicted of murder with a confederate flag tattooed on his neck, on an inmate dating website. Although she admits ‘the bad attitude attracted me’, she has other reasons why she reached out to a prisoner too. ‘I have had several family members that have gone through the system, including myself and siblings, and we’re still good people, so I don’t pass judgement.’ When I ask about whether his crime affected how she feels she was clear in her answer: ‘I do not pay attention to what his crimes were. I saw his picture and bio and decided to write. He owned up to his charges straight away and didn’t pussyfoot or deny them. He owned it!’
The sites begin to feel like an amalgamation of a teenagers Tumblr page and an *Orange is the New Black*spoof site.
In many ways these US social networks and dating sites are places where women can find comfort and support. But I can’t help but find them slightly depressing too – these girls posting links to websites where you can find ‘cute visiting clothes’, or sharing pictures of their ‘prison wedding dress’ – completely normal past times for a 20-something women if it weren’t for the fact they’ll be showing them off under the cold, bright lights of a prison visiting room. Combined with the stories of their ‘guy getting another lockdown for 30 days’ or memes declaring that ‘If I’m down with you, your struggle is my struggle,’ the sites begin to feel like an amalgamation of a teenagers Tumblr page and an Orange is the New Black spoof site.
America has a notoriously high prison population. With approximately 2.4 million people behind bars, and 2.1 million of these being male, it’s unsurprising that people are keen to tap into this group by establishing dating sites. And as social media tools like Facebook and Instagram become increasingly popular, it’s easy for women to connect and share their stories too. In a country where Hollywood is king and where there are tens of thousands of towns that have a population of 5,000 or less, it is understandable that some women choose to seek romance and drama by connecting with men who are imprisoned.
And what of these young women who are forgoing ‘normal’ relationships and often having to deal with the judgement and condemnation of others as they patiently waiting for the release of their incarcerated boyfriend? ‘Justin has parole in little over two and half years,’ Cassandra tells me. ‘I deal with the fact that he’ll be gone so long by just writing as much as possible and so does he. I believe we’ll just go stronger and stronger in that time.’
Follow Lucy on Twitter @DraperLucy
Picture: @strongprisonwives
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.