Have you ever Wikipedia’d flirting? It’s defined as ‘a social and sometimes sexual activity involving verbal or written communication as well as body language by one person to another, either to suggest interest in a deeper relationship with the other person or, if done playfully, for amusement’. It’s basically banter. Joyful coexistence with another human being. Because you can flirt with a member of your own sex – hell, you can flirt with a chair leg if it gives you good repartee.
It’s about finding a way to get through yet another slate-grey day and eight-hour stretch in an airless office with nothing but the humming of strip lights to break the monotony. Because a short burst of playful, innocuous, back-and-forth with a colleague can give you the same hit of motivation as a double Nespresso or blast of fresh air.
It’s not ‘I’m an object/victim and you’re a crazed sexual beast who belongs in a Malibu clinic chanting “I must not wank into plant pots” alongside Harvey,’ but ‘I’m alive, so are you, and isn’t it funny that we’re different?’ Not inferior or superior, just different.
I was 13 when I first discovered the peculiar biochemical change that happens when two humans flirt, and ever since then I’ve scoured almost every occasion, social and professional, for the green light that allows me to celebrate life in one of the most honest ways I can think of. 99.9% of the time it’s not about seduction, and there does have to be that green light on both sides: that subtle, sophisticated and mute understanding that both parties want to play.
Are you going to get people who don’t follow the code? ‘Clumsy’ flirters of the kind those 100 French women referenced in their provocative open letter to Le Monde? Of course. But as they said, ‘Rape is a crime. Trying to pick up someone... is not.’
Flirting’s inappropriate, though, isn’t it? (Well, only if you do it right – ba-boom.) Improper and not suitable whatever the circumstances, according to the new code of conduct we’re all being forced to sign up to in these #MeToo times. A code of conduct that, by the way, is all about women’s rights, unless those rights include expressing an opinion that diverges from the accepted, liberal feminist view, whereupon, in a reversion to medieval mentalities, you’ll be effectively be stoned out of town. Just ask feminist author Margaret Atwood, who faced a vicious backlash for daring to suggest that men accused of sexual misconduct should be put through due process, rather than trial by social media.
#MeToo has done a lot of good, but much of that will be undone if – in this feverish post-Weinstein climate – we conflate flirting with harassment or assault. Predators deliberately conflate things to suit their own crude agendas too. When working at a bar in my early twenties, my boss once put his hand between my legs and casually said, ‘I could make you come.’ After I’d flung back, in Pathé News posh tones, ‘I doubt that,’ he sighed, ‘Jeez, you can’t even flirt with a girl nowadays.’
That wasn’t flirting, that was assault. I knew it and he knew it. But they teach them that bemused head shake at Predator School in a class called ‘How to Make Your Prey Feel Foolish For Overreacting.’ And although I was repulsed by the actions of this middle-aged man who felt entitled to manhandle his employee and annoyed that I’d have to find another job through no fault of my own, the overriding emotion was anger that he was trying to pass off an act of intimidation as something fun and benign.
Flirting – real flirting – is fun and benign. I’ve enjoyed Benny Hill-esque behaviour and Carry On innuendo in the office and that has never come close to affecting my professionalism or making me feel uncomfortable. And maybe that's down to my sense of humour. If you prefer to keep banter to a minimum in the office, that’s up to you.
But the idea that #MeToo means expunging all flirtation not just from the workplace but every area of life isn’t just sad but ‘an affront to sexual freedom’ – just as those French women stated in a letter that condemned ‘a feminism that, beyond the denunciation of abuses of power, takes the face of a hatred of men and sexuality’
Do we really believe that every colleague who compliments us on a dress is a potential Weinstein? That every boss who says ‘you look nice’ should be reported to HR? Give these guys an inch and they’ll take a mile? No. Because the vast majority of men are not sleazeballs and perfectly able to tell the difference between banter and harassment. Not that there’s likely to be much banter in 2018. Never mind that one in five of us still dates our boss, that 38% of us date co-workers and 31% of those romances will lead us to the altar- there must be no flirtation in the build-up to those romances, got it?
In the future, I suspect they just won’t happen at all. Why would you take the risk, as a man? (Although, of course, women can be as predatory as they like, having been granted immunity in an attempt to make up for past victimizations). And, on reflection, maybe it's no bad thing for us to draw a line not simply under flirting, but any kind of human warmth or spontaneous, joyful interaction. What with social media having stripped away life's fine distinctions and every discussion now reduced to the black-and-white thinking of a child, maybe we're just no longer equipped to deal with nuance. And nuance is the only thing that makes flirting worthwhile.
Check out all the people who wore black to the Golden Globes...
Golden Globes 2018 - Grazia
1 of 60Angelina Jolie
Attending with her son Maddox, Angelina Jolie chose a floaty sheer dress with voluminous feather-trimmed sleeves.
2 of 60Alicia Vikander
Alicia Vikander showed off her innate style in a high neck dress with keyhole cut-out back and embellishment detail.
3 of 60Michelle Williams and MeToo founder Tarana Burke
A Louis Vuitton clad-Michelle Williams was noticeably moved to be with #MeToo founder Tarana, saying: 'We're here because of Tarana, she started a movement, and it caught fire.' 'It's deeply humbling,' Tarana added, 'This is something I started out of necessity… this moment is so powerful.'
4 of 60Emma Stone and Billie Jean King
Emma Stone decided to invite Billie Jean King as her date to the Globes, the tennis pro and pioneer who she played in Battle of the Sexes. Stone looked typically fashion-forward in a lace, one-shouldered dress.
5 of 60Dakota Johnson
Dakota Johnson, who is a presenter at tonight's awards, wore a Gucci gown (what else!) with a stunning train featuring a silver sequin motif at the back.
6 of 60Dakota Johnson
Dakota Johnson's looked even more stunning from the back.
7 of 60Jessica Chastain
The always superbly dressed Jessica Chastain aced the dress code in an Armani Prive velvet halterneck gown with silver crystal embroidery on the sides.
8 of 60Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake
Jessica Biel channelled Hollywood glamour in a nude gown with sheer black overlay and black sash detail, keeping things classy with a low chignon and diamond accessories. Husband Justin Timberlake opted for an all black suit.
9 of 60Kendall Jenner
Kendall Jenner had her Angelina Jolie moment posing in an asymmetrical dress with tiered skirts by Giambattista Valli.
10 of 60Salma Hayek and Ashley Judd
Salma Hayek and Ashley Judd posed together on the carpet, with the former in a high-necked, long-sleeved dress and the latter in a low-cut layered lace gown. Their appearance was poignant, as the two starred together in Frida, the film Hayek accused Harvey Weinstein of harassing her on.
11 of 60Claire Foy and Matt Smith
The Crown's stars posed together on the red carpet, with Claire Foy looking sensational in a low-cut tuxedo look teamed with slicked back hair and a bold red lip.
12 of 60Catherine Zeta-Jones
Catherine Zeta-Jones looked incredible in a daringly low-cut illusion dress with sheer skirt by who else than Zuhair Murad.
13 of 60Alexis Bledel
Alexis Bledel wore a black and white one-shouldered jumpsuit by Oscar de la Renta to celebrate her show The Handmaid's Tale's nomination.
14 of 60Allison Williams
Former Girls star Allison Williams brightened up her all-black ensemble with a pop of tangerine in this beaded strapless dress by Armani Prive.
15 of 60Sadie Sink
Stranger Things star Sadie Sink wore a Miu Miu prom dress with full skirt and sweetheart neckline for her first ever Golden Globes.
16 of 60Debra Messing
Will and Grace's Debra Messing wore a black embellished tunic-style dress with trousers.
17 of 60Catriona Balfe
Outlander's Catriona Balfe oozed glamour in a black dress with off-the-shoulder sheer detail by Chanel.
18 of 60Margot Robbie
Margot Robbie chose an oriental-inspired dress with beautifully intricate silver embroidery.
19 of 60Emma Watson and Marai Larasi
Emma Watson brought Marai Larasi as her date, the founder of Imkaan, a black feminist organisation in London.
20 of 60Meryl Streep and Ai-Jen Poo
Meryl Streep brought Director of Domestic Workers Alliance, Ai-Jen Poo, as her date to the Golden Globes.
21 of 60Mandy Moore
Mandy Moore opted for a sleek, column dress with halterneck detail, adding a pop of colour with a scarlet sash belt.
22 of 60Amy Poehler and Saru Jayaraman
Amy Poehler chose ROC co-founder Saru Jayaraman as her date for the Golden Globes.
23 of 60Alison Brie
Glow star and nominee Alison Brie wore an old Hollywood-esque strapless dress with full skirt and sweetheart neckline, choosing a beautiful diamond choker to complete the look.
24 of 60Heidi Klum
Heidi Klum chose a gown with an asymmetrical hemline and ostrich feather detail.
25 of 60Ewan McGregor
Fargo's Ewan McGregor stuck to the dress code in an all black tux - including his shirt - looking very dapper indeed.
26 of 60Christina Hendricks
Christina Hendricks, star of 2018's answer to Big Little Lies, Good Girls, chose a simple off-the-shoulder black gown.
27 of 60Kit Harington
Kit Harington aka Jon Snow aka King in the North looked very dapper in an all black tuxedo.
28 of 60Chris Hemsworth
Chris Hemsworth looked very un-Thor-like in his tux.
29 of 60Sarah Paulson
Sarah Paulson chose a highneck gown with pleated skirt.
30 of 60Jude Law
Jude Law joked on the red carpet in sunglasses.
31 of 60Zoe Kravitz
Zoe Kravitz looked typically cool in a simple but chic column dress teamed with sapphire earrings.
32 of 60Isabelle Huppert
Isabelle Huppert looked very on-trend in an embellished metallic dress with sculptural shoulder detail.
33 of 60Gwendoline Christie
Game of Thrones and Star Wars actress Gwendoline Christie wore a ruffled black dress with sheer high neck.
34 of 60James and Dave Franco
The Disaster Artists' stars James and Dave Franco posed together in their tuxedos.
35 of 60Diane Kruger
Perennial best-dressed list member Diane Kruger looked like she'd stepped off the runway in a halterneck tulle gown with cape-like detail by Prada.
36 of 60Millie Bobby Brown
Millie Bobby Brown chose an 80s-esque backless dress with voluminous sleeves.
37 of 60Kerry Washington
Kerry Washington sparkled in an embellished strapless gown with thigh-high split.
38 of 60Maggie Gyllenhaal
Maggie Gyllenhaal was one of several stars who opted for strapless sequins.
39 of 60Michelle Pfeiffer
Comeback queen Michelle Pfeiffer chose a layered tulle dress which she wore with a short tuxedo jacket over the top.
40 of 60Lily James
Lily James went for full-on glamour in a black satin gown with ruffle details.
41 of 60Elisabeth Moss
The Handmaid's Tale's leading lady Elisabeth Moss wore a long-sleeved dress with Peter Pan collar.
42 of 60Kate Hudson
Kate Hudson played up her pixie crop with an ultra-feminine sheer, low-cut dress with strategically placed necklace.
43 of 60Mariah Carey
Mariah Carey lived up to her diva reputation in a fishtail gown with slashed neckline.
44 of 60Saoirse Ronan
Style maven Saoirse Ronan went for a futuristic black one-sleeved gown with silver accents.
45 of 60Natalie Portman and America Ferrera
Natalie Portman and America Ferrera attended the Golden Globes together, with Natalie choosing an elegant dress with boxy-neckline and sweetheart cut, while newly pregnant America chose a simple black dress worn with a blazer over it.
46 of 60Nicole Kidman
Nicole Kidman always rules the red carpet and tonight was no different in a floor-length lace gown with high neck.
47 of 60Greta Gerwig
Ladybird director Greta Gerwig chose a one-shouldered dress teamed with a gold choker.
48 of 60Halle Berry
Age-defying Halle Berry looked incredible in a sheer lace mini-dress.
49 of 60Emilia Clarke
Game of Thrones' Emilia Clarke was miles away from her on-screen persona in a very modern strapless dress, which she wore with her trademark peroxide blonde locks and bold red lips.
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50 of 60Gal Gadot
Wonder Woman's Gal Gadot kept it simple in a black ruched column dress with an accompanying bolero by Tom Ford.
51 of 60Mary J. Blige
Mary J. Blige injected some fun into her LBD with one shimmering silver sleeve and panel in her skirt.
52 of 60Reese Witherspoon
Times Up kickstarter Reese Witherspoon opted for a simple yet chic one-shouldered gown with mermaid-skirt.
53 of 60Sally Hawkins
Nominee Sally Hawkins chose a full black skirt with asymmetrical velvet top.
54 of 60Penelope Cruz
Penelope Cruz - soon to be on our TV screen as Donatella Versace in American Crime Story - looked beautiful in an off-the-shoulder lace dress with a train by Ralph and Russo.
55 of 60Naomi Campbell
Naomi Campbell was a model red carpet attendee in floor-skimming black.
56 of 60Sarah Jessica Parker
Sarah Jessica Parker borrowed a dress from her Sex and the City alter-ego Carrie Bradshaw's wardrobe.
57 of 60Eva Longoria
A low-cut, thigh-high black dress for Eva Longoria.
58 of 60Gillian Anderson
Gillian Anderson was another adherent to the asymmetrical dress theme, showing off a new peroxide crop.
59 of 60Laura Dern
Laura Dern chose an Armani Prive gown completely embroidered in crystals and featuring a sheer bodice and tulle train.
60 of 60Ava DuVernay
Director Ava DuVernay stuck to the dress code in a crystal-embroidered long-sleeved top and draped skirt both by Armani Prive.