Online spats are par for the course but why are we so unwilling to vent face-to-face with our BFFs in real life, asks Kate Wills.
I'm no stranger to the benefits of a good old-fashioned fight. In the last week alone I’ve had a scream-fest in the street with my boyfriend, a ‘heated debate’ with a colleague and almost thrown a salad server at my sister’s head. I said almost. But when it comes to friends, the last fight I had was over who got to be Baby in our Year Six Spice Girls dance routine (not me, and it still burns).
On social media, however, defriending or ‘muting’ someone who annoys you seems to be far preferable to having it out in person.
A recent survey found that 40% of people have reduced their contact with a friend after a virtual falling out. And yet, most of us would baulk at the idea of rowing with our friends in real life. Like many women I know, if a friend upsets me, the last thing I do is actually tell her. Or, if things start getting heated, I’ll just slink away and stop calling her instead of confronting it.
In fact, according to a study by sociologists at Manchester University, women find breaking up with a friend harder than dumping a lover. ‘Compared to family, colleagues or partners, friendship is the relationship that is most freely formed,’ says Mark Vernon, author of The Meaning Of Friendship. ‘It has no structure or socially supported pattern, and rules and rituals have to be made up.’ Which is why we’re so scared to rock the boat. ‘There’s nothing much to fall back on – no living together or having children, which provides support or encouragement to get over arguments. Friendship’s freedom is also its vulnerability.’
If one of my friends does something to upset me, I’m more likely to make a joke of how angry I am, or handle it passive- aggressively (the worst, I know), than confront the issue head-on. And, even though I try to stop myself, repressing that anger usually results in me moaning to a mutual friend. Surely it would be healthier to have a 20-minute row about what’s happened than to write bitchy WhatsApps about them? I also have friends I no longer talk to because they annoyed me so much that I phased them out – like self-obsessed Imogen*. One night we went for drinks at a posh members’ club. She spent the whole night talking about the new guy she’d just met, and didn’t once ask about my life.
I WhatsApped our mutual friend in the toilets to complain about her just to keep myself sane. If she’d been a boyfriend, I would’ve called her on it straight away, but it was way too awkward to broach with a friend. I went home and cried because I was so frustrated – by her behaviour and mine!
After that, I just stopped replying to her messages. Childish? Yes, but preferable to sitting through any more monologues. Although I defriended her on Facebook, she pops up on my feed through other mutual friends and I do wonder if it was harsh to cut her out of my life without having it out with her in person. There were good things about her that I miss, and maybe if I’d been more upfront we could still be mates. I guess I’ll never know.
Rhona Eksander, 29, a cosmetic dentist from London, used to do everything possible to avoid confrontation. ‘If a girlfriend said something I really disagreed with – about politics, my relationship, anything – I’d change the subject rather than start a fight.’ But when this endless argument-dodging started giving her anxiety, she took action.
‘I have a friend who’s always late. I used to say, “Don’t worry, it’s fine,” but I wasn’t expressing how I felt. The next time it happened I said, “Can we have a chat? It’s important that I say this.” I was so nervous that I wrote down what I wanted to say so it wouldn’t get heated in the moment. But it turned out she had issues with things I was doing and it opened up a two-way dialogue. Now if something’s niggling me, I’ll try to talk to a friend rather than gloss over it. Yes, sometimes it leads to raised voices and occasionally tears, but it makes your friendship more real.’
Careful, constructive criticism is one thing, but is brutal honesty always the best policy? Sarah Chadfield, 30, a teacher from Derby, believes it’s the only way. ‘It’s really important to me to be able to talk openly about things that are happening in my life and if a friend has upset me. When it comes to my friends’ lives, I’ll only offer honest advice if asked. I once told a friend not to marry her boyfriend. We had a huge row, but they got married anyway and split up less than a year later.’ Sarah thinks the more you can say to a friend’s face, the less you’ll say behind their back. ‘If you can’t say what you truly think, then you’re just pretending, and that can be exhausting and bad for everyone. I want and expect my friends to be honest with me, too.’
It might not come naturally to most of us, but maybe it’s time we started trying to be more honest with our friends. I’ll probably keep the salad servers out of reach, though – just in case.
How to fight the good fight
1. Remind yourself why you’re friends
‘Identify what it is in the friendship that you want to hold on to, in spite of any difficulties,’ says Mark Vernon. ‘Keep your eye on this when the fights erupt, so there is a resilient connection to fall back on.’
2. Create boundaries
‘Before you start a discussion, be aware of things you don’t want to mention or areas you won’t overstep,’ he says. ‘Stick to this, no matter how angry you feel. That way, hard truths can be said without crossing the line.’
3. Don’t seek back-up
‘However tempting it is, keep this between the two of you,’ says Mark. ‘If someone feels ganged up on, rows can quickly escalate.’