It does sound idyllic, doesn’t it? In these days when the rent on a London flat costs comparatively the same as the moon landings, three of you can squeeze into a two bedroom place, meaning the rent is slashed by a percentage I can't actually work out because I was sick from school on the day when we did percentages, but some kind of percentage nonetheless. But living with a couple, while financially beneficial, can be an emotional minefield (and, in some extreme cases, a physical one), full of spite, envy, longing and disrupted rotas. If you have never lived in a threesome and are thinking of taking the plunge, just remember these painful occurrences that are sure to arise.
Unusual Sexcapades
I was once sitting happily in my living room, entertaining a few friends, when the male end of the couple I lived with entered. ‘Does anyone need the bathroom?’ he asked the room full of strangers. ‘Because me and Loretta are planning to take a shower together.’ It was the middle of the day! We were eating sandwiches! Living with a couple will involve this sort of sexual exposure. Frenzied bouts of intimate noises, high-volume arguments about the lack of intimate noises and the sound of device application you never would have expected in a maisonette. And if they do have it off explosively, you will have to face them SECONDS later, usually while spreading something on toast.
Tangible Resentment
The friction isn’t only in the bedroom (or bathroom as we have discovered). Often couples will consider you, their rent-paying housemate, as the large fleshy obstacle to their happiness. They would love to gambol down the hallway tickling each other romantically and flicking their young hair about. But they can’t because you’re there, physically destroying their fun and consequent relationship by being constantly in your room with the door closed. The living room will be a complete no-go area, unless they have vacated the property for the evening. The second you stick your head around the door, expect to see the two of them curled up on the sofa together in front of Mr Selfridge glaring at you and praying you don’t cross the threshold. Get yourself a portable telly or some jigsaws for your room.
Passive Aggressive Ammunition
You will be dragged into fights between co-habiting partners and you will be used as a pawn in their demented logic, just like that kid in Kramer Vs Kramer. ‘Simon thinks you’re messy on the hob, don’t you Simon? Just like your mother is.’ If you have recently heard raised voices in the house accompanied by the sound of a lovingly purchased ornamental plate with an ironic decal of Princess Diana on it suddenly being smashed, then a light tap on your door isn’t too far away. Fear it. It will be one of them attempting to curry favour and use you as some form of human shield or sabre. ‘Come and tell that dickhead how much of a dickhead they are’. In these situations, best to fake a heart attack or run.
Restricted Decoration
For some reason, the two-person contingent of your home is more human than you. As they are greater in number, they are more valuable. So any thoughts you have in the way of personalising communal areas or having your own effects visible should be dynamited. You’ll probably hear a muffled argument along the lines of, ‘What the hell is this Loretta, why is this coaster here?’ ‘It’s not mine, I don’t like coasters.’ ‘Who the hell would leave a coaster, here, on the coffee table? Like an animal.’ You see, they are playing house. This is their home. You are their lodger. At best. Home invader at worst. Don’t sully their lovely walls with your foul personality.
Lack of Democracy
You will always be outvoted and unsuccessful in any decisions connected to your abode. There is a block vote in place and it can never be broken, no matter how ridiculous the proposal being put forward is. ‘But llamas are clean, easy to maintain and they pay for themselves in six years. And we have that garden out there doing nothing.’ ‘Yes, I’m all for it darling.’ If the block vote does disintegrate for any reason, and suddenly decisions start to swing your way, move out temporarily. The consequences of that are very bad indeed.
Picking up Pieces
Should you notice any cracks forming in your co-habiting pairing, start immediately looking for alternative accommodation or claim to need a sudden kidney transplant and escape through the bathroom window. When one member of the couple leaves, the consequences will be long and harrowing. For you. You’ll certainly be left alone with the partner you feel less comfortable with and you will have to hear their many tales of regret and provide them with many sheets of kitchen roll. And then they will lie on the sofa watching old episodes of As Times Goes By while allowing Kinder Egg wrappers to prosper around their inert body while not paying any bills. Because they are in pain.
Bitter Romance
If you yourself meet someone in a romantic fashion and decide to occasionally have them over, then awkwardness will be your constant companion. You will hear heavily handled crockery, door slams and the catching of the odd angry utterance featuring words such as ‘HER...CHEEK...FLOOZIE HOTEL’ and the like. The couple you live with will act as though you’re cheating on them with your new playmate. Or else your partner will be seen as some kind of ‘second spouse’, replacing the current incumbent, provoking bitter glances and snarky comments about the quality of their knitwear.
Lack of Bitter Romance
If you are spectacularly single and living with a happy pairing, prepare to have your pain and misery rubbed in your face continually. It’s a bit like having a beloved puppy suddenly expire, while living next to a puppy factory. Every moment of every day, their happiness will be on display. Tinkling laughter, sighs of joy, the ambience created when making a complicated risotto together. You will have none of that. Your pathetic life will be soundtracked by lonely coughing, sobs and the sound of cellophane being peeled back from a ready meal for one that hasn’t cooked properly and is still frozen in the middle. And those will be the good times. Embrace them.
For advice on renting, check out http://rentalraters.com, the site which aims to make the rental process fairer for the nine million renters in the UK.
Follow Dale on Twitter @MontyBodkin
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.