Just wanted to check you’re doing OK?’ It was a seemingly innocuous text, except I didn’t send it to a friend I’m concerned about, but to an ex I haven’t spoken to for months. My initial excuse is that he is immunocompromised, so I wanted to make sure he was staying inside. But I’d be lying if I said that was the only reason. Our conversation quickly escalated: we laughed about everything, from how our families are coping to how sappy we were in our twenties.
The last time we dated – yes, it was one of those on/off relationships – was in 2018. I now live on my own. While I usually love it, the last couple of weeks have made me miss the company of the people who know me best. I tried talking to people on dating apps but I don’t have energy for the emotional turmoil of someone I don’t know right now. But with my ex, it felt comforting to talk to someone familiar who knew me: I’ve had anxiety in the past and he knew I’d be concerned about it returning.
Do we want to get back together? No. But in a world that feels so uncertain, he offered a slice of familiarity. For me, it isn’t a sexual or flirtatious thing, but for others it will be – I can see how it would be easier to reach out to a former flame for phone sex than do it with a new match on Tinder.
Therapist Lohani Noor says our desire to reach out to exes at the moment stems, in part, from all the time we have on our hands. ‘Here we are with more time than ever before. You might find yourself unpicking what did actually happen in a previous relationship. What part did you play in it? Were you unreasonable? With these thoughts in mind, it is possible that many people will be considering contacting an ex with the wistful idea that all the wrongs can be put right,’ she says. ‘But unless your ex is in the same place in their thinking, this could prove to be painful.’
A week into lockdown, Natalie*, 29, a designer from London, says she knew a message from her ex was imminent. ‘He pops up every now and then,’ she says. ‘The last couple of times I shut him down but, this time, I replied. It was nice to have someone different to chat to – he even wants to set up a Houseparty call. It feels like a nice safety blanket for now.’
Meanwhile, 35-year-old producer Grace* has found social distancing is making her think about past relationships. ‘I’ve been toying with messaging someone I dated last summer. We really liked each other but I was away a lot so it fizzled out,’ she says. ‘I can’t help but wonder if, now we do have time to chat, we could pick it back up again – but I’m also asking myself if being lonely makes you look through rose-tinted glasses.’
Lohani suggests that people should question why they want to make contact before hitting the send button. ‘While it is often useful to go back and resolve old hurts, it is also useful to leave old, hurtful relationships in the past,’ she adds. I’m on good terms with my ex, so was confident we could comfort one another without it becoming messy. We can provide support and familiarity without worrying that someone’s feelings will get hurt. But, if you feel the need to try and fix a broken relationship in the middle of a pandemic, maybe – as Lohani says – it’s time step away from the phone.
READ MORE: 14.Ways To Get Over A Break-Up