Seven years ago, on my first day of a new job, (Website Editor of Grazia Daily, no less) there were several things going through my head. First off was‘How am I going to get my head around all this new technology?' Secondly: ‘Are these heels going to hurt?’. And, most importantly: ‘where's the nearest place to get a great coffee?’. One thing I was not thinking was ‘I hope they like me.’
I wasn’t thinking that on my first day, or after I'd been there a week, in fact not at any point during my two years in the job. Because I really don't care if people like me at work at all. Put it this way: I’m never going to be the girl bringing in cupcakes for her co-workers.
Of course, not caring about being liked at work is perfectly normal…assuming you’re a man. There’s a reason Adichie’s speech was directed specifically at female graduates; as she says ‘I think that what our society teaches young girls… that you’re supposed to hold back sometimes, pull back, don't quite say, don’t be too pushy because you have to be likable. And I say that’s bull***t.’ I like what she's saying.
Men don’t get distracted by whether colleagues like them or not. Men know they’re there to get the job done. And they’re focused enough on that, that they’re prepared to ruffle a few feathers if necessary, in order to perform better.
And so am I. This is a biggy: I can say No. Saying No is something women find very hard, especially at work, because we worry that it will make us less liked. As a result we take on extra work we don’t have time for, that interrupts our productivity, or take on extra responsibilities that really don’t suit our particular abilities.
This is why I have no qualms about saying No when necessary: because I know that five seconds of social discomfort can save me hours of regret or worse, resentfulness later. Once I’d worked out that calculation, saying No was a no-brainer. It also means I find it very easy to set boundaries at work. I’m not the girl who stays alone in the office til midnight every night.
And in saying No sometimes, it means that when I say Yes, you know I really mean it. I am IN, 100%, whether that’s taking on an extra project or being on the pub quiz team. (And if I want to do something, believe me, I’ll ask, because if I don’t, someone else will).
I’m also not afraid to speak up, even if that upsets the status quo. I’m quite comfortable being the first person to say ‘Actually I don’t think that works’ when other people are still pretending it does. Because let’s face it, most meetings are long enough, so let’s get on with things and not waste any more time. But more importantly, I know that speaking up is a powerful thing and women need to consciously push themselves to do more of it.
As another feminist writer, Jessica Valenti, states ‘Women adjust their behaviour to be likeable and as a result have less power in the world.’ Seriously, who wants less power, especially at work? So I don’t agonise over choosing the right words, or offending anyone - this is business, remember? We’re all here to achieve the best results, so I speak up, whenever I need to. Another friend, a self-confessed people-pleaser tells me; ‘Well, I’ve always been more of a honey than a stick person. I just don’t think there’s any harm in being nice at work.’
Let’s be clear: I’m not a ball-busting bitch at work. I even have friends! Saying what you need to say or doing what you need to do doesn’t make you a bitch. I can be absolutely lovely to my co-workers – I just don’t prioritise that over everything else.
And as Adichie says, trying to be likeable can be a form of dishonesty - and I’d take being respected over being liked, any day. Work emails are never signed off with kisses, and I don’t email my work over with people-pleasing intros like ‘I hope this works…’ ‘Is this okay?’
Wanting to be liked is somewhat exhausting. Wanting to be liked means constantly seeking everyone’s approval of your words and actions. And more importantly as Valenti says ‘wanting to be liked…means that your self-worth will always be tied to what someone else thinks about you, forever out of your control.’
Belief that your self-worth is decided by others’ opinions, rather than cold hard facts, is not only undesirable, it’s also dangerous - because how will you ask for a pay rise? And statistics show that while women earn far less than men they are more reluctant to ask for salary increases.
I like to ask for salary increases often. Often and often and often. I like to ask for a pay rise so often that it becomes a running gag. I ask for a pay rise after set periods of time in the job, I ask for a pay rise when an equivalent job comes up elsewhere or I get approached by other companies, I ask for a pay rise when I’ve completed a great project, and even when my job is annoying me. I ask a LOT! Because this is what men do. And because who doesn’t want more money? And because I’ve already taught myself to have embarrassing conversations at work and not worry about what people think of me. See? Not caring about being liked can actually pay more!
But the biggest reason to forget about likability is that it doesn’t work. It’s been proven in psychological research studiesthat wanting to be liked makes you less likely to feel liked. The more importance you place on pleasing others, the less likely you are to feel that you have their approval. In other words; it can never deliver. And what’s to like about that?