How Not To Be A Dick At The First Wedding You Go To That Isn’t Your Cousin’s

It's your first 'friend' wedding. Behave will you?

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by Jess Commons |
Published on

FFS the first of your mates have done it. They’ve gone and taken the plunge and decided to get married. Even though you still think they’re crazy young, you’ve got to admit that you’re more than a little bit excited about going to the first wedding of a real life friend.

But it does mean you're going to have to learn how to survive your first wedding as a grown up.

BALANCE YOUR DRINKING (This is in capitals mainly because it’s the most important thing to learn)

It’s been a while since you did a full day of drinking, and last time (graduation; you started on the champers and ended up face down in a half-consumed pint of vodka 13 hours later with vomit in your mortarboard) didn’t end up well. The first bit of booze you’ll get at a wedding will probably be after the ceremony but before you eat any food. If this is the case, stick to one glass for now. It sounds very boring but there’ll be more than enough booze throughout the rest of the day and six pints down at the free bar later you’ll be thanking your lucky stars you’re not your mate Sarah who powered through and is now snogging the face off DJ Dizzy Feet in between him pressing ‘play’ on the various hits of One Direction.

Don’t give money

Money’s awkward. Maybe when you get older and actually earn some there’s some sort of rule as to how much you’re meant to give but while you’re all still kids struggling to pay rent there’ll be much discussion about how much is too much, or worse, too little. Steer clear of this convo but getting in on the wedding list at John Lewis early. £20 on a pair of ‘art deco’ candlesticks later and you’ll be able to sit back and smugly watch as your mates awkwardly debate whether sticking a crumpled tenner in their wedding card could be classed as ‘cheap’.

Don’t hang out with the black sheep

That guy who turned out to be your mate’s uncle seemed like a laugh at first, and a good pal to nod sagely at when the bride’s dad did his emotional speech which basically makes you part of the family. Six hours on though and you’ll realise the reason why he was sat on his own in the church which mainly revolves around him being a terrible alcoholic and a bit handsy at that. Since you made friends with him though, you’re now implicated in whatever rotten crimes against social acceptability he’s bound to commit and be immoratalised in their family history as ‘that idiot friend who stood by and did nothing when Uncle Charlie groped a waitress and took a piss in the middle of the dancefloor’. Nice one.

Don’t cop off with your mate

You’ve never fancied him before but now you see two of your mates getting married you’re starting to think there might be something in this whole ‘friends first’ thing. Cue one awkward night of drunken sex which is about as comfortable as shagging your brother, an unforgiving ridiculomg from the rest of the gang at breakfast followed by one very awkward train journey back home from whatever provincial town your mates got married in. PS, that’s the end of that friendship forever more.

Don’t revert back to your uni/school ways

You might not have seen this set of friends in a while but you’re all grown up now with (sort of) proper jobs. Just because you're all in one place again, this wedding doesn’t give you an excuse to revert back to being as lairy as you were at uni. This means no centurions with prosecco during the father of the bride speech and definitely no reenacting the time your mate Jamie pissed on a pile of clothes in a mistaken case of toilet identity on the ski trip for the wedding video. You’ve come so far, don’t let it all slip away now.

Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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