Dear Daisy is our online agony aunt, on-hand to answer your personal worries and troubles
Dear Daisy,
I'm 21 years old, and have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years. We met at university and he is my first serious relationship. For the past year, I have been living abroad as part of my degree studies. I feel like he doesn't put enough effort into the relationship and he feels like I am expecting too much.
I have tried to meet him in the middle and compromise. I try not to let little things annoy me, like the fact that it is normally always me that will message him first to see how he is, or ask to Skype, because I know that he is just more laid back than me and would do it eventually if I didn't. But he has forgotten about important events in my life, even when I remind him, and when we do see each and I am sometimes left feeling disappointed because he will spend his time doing other things by himself as opposed to talking to me or doing things together.
I am not expecting him to do everything with me all the time, I understand that everyone needs time to themselves and to do their own thing, but often when we go out for dinner, we will sit in silence because he gets distracted by other things and doesn’t feel like conversation should be forced if there is nothing to talk about.
When we discuss it he says that these things aren't a big deal to him, and so if it was the other way around and I acted as he did, he wouldn't mind. I don't think he understands that he should make an effort because it’s important to me, even if it isn’t to him.
We have been through a lot since we have been together (he suffered with severe depression last year) and so I really don't want to give up on our relationship when I think it is an issue we could overcome, especially as we are so close to no longer being long distance and we’re going to be living in the same place again soon. He has so many amazing qualities and we have no big problems apart from this one.
A part of me thinks that I should just accept him for who he is and stop letting it affect me so much. However, there is a part of me that doesn’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I’m putting more effort into a relationship than the other person and being let down when I feel like I deserve more.
I love him so much, I really, really don’t want to break up with him and I can’t imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else. But I also worry that maybe I am just too scared to lose him than to do what might be best for both of us in the long term and end it.
Long Distance Lady
Dear Long Distance Lady,
Firstly, I want to say well done for working so hard on maintaining your relationship when you’re in another country. You’re clearly loving and compassionate, and you’ve done everything you can to be there for your boyfriend, even when you’re not physically there. From your letter, it sounds as though you feel he’s not really doing the same for you.
It’s really hard to balance relationships. Sometimes being apart can make everything feel more intense and exciting when you’re together. However, it’s also possible to grow apart completely, and when you’re away from each other, the foundation of your relationship is much more exposed. You can see how strong your base is, and sometimes you discover that you’re not as strong as you hoped. When the relationship is built on shared experiences, and suddenly you’re not experiencing the same thing at the same time, it can be quite unsettling to discover that you’re struggling to find common ground. Especially when the relationship has been intimate, and you know stuff about your partner that no-one else does, and vice versa.
I think you’ve done all the right things so far. You’ve identified what your boyfriend isn’t doing, and what you need him to do. You’ve asked him to do it, as clearly and directly as you can. As far as I can tell, he isn’t even meeting you half way. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel loved, who is genuinely excited to be with you and who won’t shut up at dinner because they have so much to share with you. I think that person is out there, but sadly it might not be this boy. You’ve been through so much together, and you love each other deeply, but unfortunately, that isn’t enough.
Ending a long-term relationship is scary, and it might not be right for you right now. You might discover that when you’re in the same country, you’re on the same page again, and he’s more present and attentive because you’re there. But it worries me that he defends his behaviour by saying that he wouldn’t mind if you acted the same way. He’s simultaneously dismissing your feelings, excusing his bad behaviour and making your concerns all about him.
Long distance relationships require a lot of work on both sides, and I think he should think himself lucky that you want to keep him in the loop while you’re experiencing an exciting new life. You could be out flirting and having fun, and I think that he should recognise that you’re making a choice to be with him, and making a real effort to make it work. It’s a gamble, and he should be seeing you and raising you.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m a bit biased because I broke up with my long term boyfriend when I was 21. At the time, I felt like you do now - I was unhappy, I knew he loved me but I didn’t feel loved, but we’d been through so much serious stuff that I was worried I was throwing something wonderful away, and that the mature thing to do was to bite my lip and stick with it. After I broke up with him, my confidence soared because I wasn’t making compromises about what I wanted, and I was free to figure out who I was. I needed to make some serious relationship mistakes with different people in order to find happiness.
God might love a trier, but often boys really don’t (especially, in my experience, boys in their twenties). You don’t get Love Points for putting up with other people’s bullsh*t. You supported him during a mental health crisis, and it sounds as though he’s not fully supporting you when you need him. You are worth far more than what he is offering you, and I believe that if you continue the relationship as it is, you’ll be selling yourself short.
Breaking up with someone is a bit like getting out of bed when you have to change the sheets. Everything might be crumpled and coffee stained and a bit grim, but you’re cosy and comfortable. It’s so much easier to stay where you are, in the warm. Then you get out and see what you’ve been lying in with fresh eyes. I think you might need to leave the relationship in order to get a clearer perspective on it - even if you both just agree to a break, and review things after a couple of months. Remember that leaving is scary, but if you do decide to go, you’ll probably thrive. If you’ve managed to move to a brand new country, you could deal with this. You’ve spent years being a loving, compassionate partner. I think it’s time to turn that love inward, and make a decision to cherish yourself.
Lots of love and luck,
Daisy
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