After weeks of weather so cold and rainy our vigilant nipples have been on permanent red alert, there is – finally – some sunshine, with temperatures in some parts of the country supposed to be getting as high as 25 fucking degrees.
We appreciate this is all rather exciting, but before you start downing shots of straight Pimm's and lathering on the homemade tanning oil (olive oil mixed with E45, we’ve all been there right?), take a deep breath and listen to us. Here’s how to ease into summer without looking like a prick.
**1. Don’t get totally naked
**
For the first time this year, it's going to be hot enough to get a 'bit of colour', as your mum likes to say. But that doesn't mean it's okay to be a sunstarved maniac and take that as an opportunity to strip down to your bikini and lay spread eagled in your local council estate playground or A-Road roundabout.
Lying in the park is fine, but a respectable vest-top and trendy shorts is as far as you should probably go. The Brits might adopt a devil-may-care attitude to sunbathing in public with a splodgy BCG on one arm and a Calippo in the other, but it’s just not time for that yet. Good things come to those who keep their clothes on.
2. Don’t start smoking
It’s funny how easy it is to give up smoking when it’s bloody freezing and the thought of leaving the pub to spend three minutes huffing on a Marlboro Light is more depressing than the thought of just not having a cigarette. As soon as the sun comes out and you’re drinking things with fresh lime in, though, it all goes to pot.
Instead of smoking, work out how much you’d spend on cigarettes if you smoked from now until October. Then write that number on your smoking fingers on both hands. At the very least, it will stop you buying your own.
**3. Observe proper park noise levels
**Sad, but true, the sonic ambience in your local park is set to go from lovely and naturistic to really fucking annoying this weekend. Ensure you're not park of the problem by cutting off all ties with that mate that still likes to bring his acoustic guitar out at every occasion possible, despite the fact he's still not learned any other songs that Don't Look Back In To The Sun (it's been seven years, buddy, get it together). Also, if you must bring speakers, then be kind to elder sun worshippers and appreciate the fact that what sounds to you like credible house music might sound more like one of those adverts for Now That's What I Call Happy Hardcore to them.
4. Don't give into the summer BBQ binge
If it were November, would it be acceptable to head to Byron Burger and shovel four burgers down your throat then follow it up with a hotdog on the way home? Nah, mate. That's called eating with a death wish that. For some reason, though, come BBQ time, it's wholly okay to munch your way through more meat than Gaga would use for a dress. Add to that the plasticy white buns they come in and you've got a perfect storm of heart attack materials just nestling away in your gut. Maybe a nice helping of tabouleh instead of the seventh hot dog son?
5. Make cocktails
We all long for the summers of our youth, when we could head to the park with a four pack of Red Stripe and a bottle of your cheapest vodka to wile away the days. That’s not an option anymore, guys. If you drink in the sun, you’re going to get sleepy by about 5pm. Go to have a quick nap at 6pm and wake up the next day, sweaty and still in your clothes, wondering why you missed out on the fun.
It’s time for classy summer cocktails. Something that feels a bit posh, tastes summery but will refresh you rather than destroy you. May we suggest The Grey Goose Le Fizz.
Ingredients
1 ½ Parts Grey Goose Vodka
1 Part ST GERMAIN elderflower liqueur
Quarter of a Lime
2 Parts Soda Water
Method
Build all the ingredients apart from soda water in a mixing glass
Top with cubed ice
Then shake hard for about 20 seconds to chill the liquid really well
Fine strain into a chilled flute
Top with chilled soda water
Enjoy!
Picture: Alex Coll
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.