Meeting men a couple of years ago was a whole different ball game, says Grazia’s Lucy Vine, 31.
1. I used to be able to do five dates in a week, now I need a three month break after one. It is exhausting being my best self.
2. And I can’t drink more than two wines on the date because I’ll be useless tomorrow.
3. Because I care about my work now I’m in my thirties.
4. Haha, okay, I care about having a three-day hangover.
5. Men warn me constantly, that now I’m in my thirties, I’m about to become a baby maniac. Apparently it will happen ‘overnight’ and I will start to put pins through condoms.
6. Who even carries pins around with them?
7. Everyone else in the world is worried I won’t become a baby maniac.
8. Especially my mum.
9. ESPECIALLY MY MUM.
10. Seriously though, I’m worried she might be carrying pins around?
11. My sister – mother of three – has decided in the last year that it’s funny to send me texts during dates that read simply: ‘tick tock’.
12. I’ve decided I don’t think that’s funny.
13. Especially when my date sees it.
14. And accuses me of being a baby maniac.
15. I hear the words, ‘Don’t scare him off’. A lot.
16. Maybe I should stop carrying a knife around.
17. I don’t carry a knife around, that was a joke I now regret.
18. Every man I meet is a frustrated writer/actor/singer/musician. It was hot in my twenties. It’s no longer hot.
19. Youths hit on me.
20. They also refer to me as an ‘older woman’ which is gross.
21. Also, men in their fifties think I’m fair game.
22. And are incredibly dismissive of women their own age. Yeugh.
23. Friends who used to dismiss my dates on the basis of a neck spot, are now willing to overlook literally anything, as long as it means I can start double dating with them soon.
24. ‘He stole cutlery from the restaurant? He’d be a good provider!’
25. ‘He cried into your mouth? That is romantic.’
26. ‘He shouted, ‘YOUR TITS ARE MASSIVE’ across the bar? It’s good that he’s so honest about his feelings.’
27. Everyone is desperate on my behalf. I’m embarrassed for them for me.
28. I make way more plans with my few remaining single friends now, about the point in our lives that we’ll move in together to eat ourselves to death.
29. And that is actually a really exciting prospect.
30. Spinster House! It’s going to be the best!
31. Texting now is, ugh, such a hassle. I used to text boys all day, for weeks at a time, now I need them to stop, just go away, I need time away from my phone to focus on Parks and Recreation.
32. Sex is better.
33. I definitely know what makes me happy now, so man-bullshit is no longer welcome at this inn.
34. Games are boring. I did games in my twenties – I won all the games, the games bowed down to me as their one true leader. Games are now boring. Just text me if you want to text me.
35. Dating sometimes feels like a second job.
36. In my twenties, when I had a date, my family were like, ‘You just be YOU tonight kiddo.’ Now they’re like, ‘Maybe don’t be so YOU tonight. Try something else.’
37. I’m being more myself than ever. Sorry everyone.
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