Chris Brown, ex-boyfriend of Queen Rihanna, cannot call it quits. Since their (second) split in 2013, he has reliably creeped her Instagram page to deliver suggestive little gross-nuggets that no one asked for – hey, turns out being famous doesn’t make your behaviour better than that of the Average Letch Who Cannot Let it Go, Man, You Have Got To Give It A Break.
Friday saw the whole sorry scenario repeat itself, this time with added weird – Rihanna posted a pic of herself debuting lingerie from her new Fenty collection, and Brown wasted little time in letting the world know that he wished he was ‘the lamp’(?!) pictured in the shot’s top left. Not quite satisfied with that image, he thought best to add a sleazy-face emoji and a shocked blushing one for good measure. Deadbeat ex-boyfriend, and thriving superwoman – tale as old as time, and maybe the most satisfying moral configuration of 2019’s tropes.
You know how, after a break up, it can be hard to tell who came out top? Like, who was the idiot? Who was the villain, and who was the victim? Most relationship ruptures are far from clear cut – human beings tend to be a little deficient all-round, and the end of coupledom (if we’re being honest with ourselves) can largely apportion blame on both sides. Nonetheless, we all love a good fairytale – and human beings tell their own stories, cobbled together in retrospect and starring themselves.
Then, there’s the question of ‘winning’ in the aftermath – does the break up propel you to new heights, or down a slippery slope? Again, the diagnosis of this second phase in post-relationship analysis tends to fall into the ‘grey’ category – which is why it’s such fun to watch Rihanna and convicted abuser Chris Brown, a duo for whom such ambiguity does not even rear its head. Rihanna’s more successful than almost anyone on the planet, so that does give her rather a leg up. Then again, it’s not hard to claim moral superiority over someone who beats up their girlfriend – I’m sure you don’t need reminding that Brown plead guilty to assaulting Rihanna back in 2009. In his own words, from 2017’s The Official Chris Brown Documentary, ‘I went from being on top of the world, No. 1 songs, being kind of like America's sweetheart to being Public Enemy No. 1.’
When Rihanna and Brown were first together in the 2000s, they were both megastars – on an equalish footing of celebrity and success. Fast forward to 2019, and Chris Brown’s been in and out of trouble (and prison) for almost a decade. Meanwhile, RiRi’s running an empire, so. Maybe best to keep ambitions on a realistic keel – in 2018, Brown commented on another of Rihanna’s posts to suggest a joint tour with her, himself, Beyoncé and Bruno Mars. Aspiring to lamp-hood is maybe more fitting.
READ MORE: Rihanna Speaks Out About Chris Brown And Domestic Violence In Vanity Fair Interview