So Chris Noth (aka *Sex And The City’*s Big) jokingly called Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker’s character, in case you need reminding) ‘such a whore’ in a recent interview.
‘The relationship just didn’t work, and he [Mr Big] went on to get married while she went on to — how many boyfriends did she have? She was such a whore!’ he told an Australian news site and, as we all know, that’s just not really an OK thing to say regardless of the fact that they’re both fictional characters.
You can’t call someone a whore. It’s rude and, above all, it doesn’t make any sense – it’s not possible to quantify how many guys a girl has to sleep with to be deemed a whore. A whore technically refers to prostitutes, and Carrie wasn’t a prostitute – apart from that time the guy in Season 1 thought she was a prostitute and left her $1,000 but that was totally a misunderstanding on his part. Anyway, the word is an outdated and bizarre way to refer to a woman who sleeps with people – and the world has moved on since Chris Noth could get away with making jokes like that.
To prove the point, we’ve put together the definitive list of every guy Carrie shags by way of celebration of her ‘whoring’, and the life lessons that can be learnt from shagging an array of men (don’t say you can’t relate to any of them...). Plus, it’s worth pointing out that Carrie only has sex with 21 guys over the course of the three seasons, which actually isn’t that many. Not that, if she’d slept with more, she’d be a whore OBVIOUSLY. But it’s worth pointing out.
Kurt Harrington AKA The Prick (Bill Sage)
She thinks it’s the best sex of her life, but every time she goes back to this douchecanoe, her best mate Stanford has to clean up the mess. We’ve all been through this – or know someone who has – and it teaches us our most important life lessons: if, after having sex with someone, you feel like you could cry for 73 years, break it off. Having great sex then wanting to fall down a hole and die isn’t the grounds for a sustainable relationship.
Big AKA The One
We have a problem with ‘The One’ complex because it’s totally unrealistic and damaging. There are hundreds of The Ones for everyone, but this is a TV show after all. So yeah, Carrie sleeps with him right at the beginning, he plays games with her all the way through until right at the end when she ends up with him. We don’t want to eke out a lesson here because, as everyone knows, she should have gone with Aidan. Nice wood-making Aidan (see below). Not John Big or whatever his last name is.
Sam AKA The Child (Timothy Olyphant)
He’s the cool, reckless man-child who seems exciting and hot when you’re in some underground club snogging like teenagers but then, come the morning, you wake up in his gross flatshare and realise he has no job, no maturity, and his life is a mess. And there are rats in his kitchen. There’s quite a lot to be said for someone who has at least some of their shit together.
READ MORE: 13 Things Sex And The City Couldn’t Get Away With Today
Gilles AKA The Pimp (Ed Fry)
Er, if your mate is a prostitute and you sleep with a guy she’s also sleeping with, he might think you’re a prostitute too. We’ve all been there.
Ben AKA The Vanilla One (Ian Kahn)
Don’t try and force people to be freaky in bed if they’re not. People like different things. Poor journalist Ben isn’t into sado-masochism and THAT’S FINE, EVERYONE. We can’t all enjoy sex lives ripped straight from the terribly-written pages of Fifty Shades Of Grey.
**Seth AKA Bon Jovi (BON JOVI!) **
She rebounds with Jon Bon Jovi, sorry, Seth after another painful break-up with Big and finds out that actually, even if you rebound with someone, they’re still a person with all their own baggage. You'’e not the only one with heart-related wounds and weird shit in the closet. Be careful when you rebound because it can go horribly, horribly wrong.
John MacFadden AKA The Fuck Buddy (Dean Winters)
Fuck buddies! Everyone talks about them and claims to have one but, as Carrie discovers, it’s often probably best to leave it to bedroom-only antics because that’s the only reason you’re together. That’s the point of fuck buddying. If you want conversation, deep intellectual connections and anything emotional, probably try and get a boyfriend or talk to your nan or something.
**Vaughn Wysel AKA The One Who Isn’t As Cool As His Family (Justin Theroux) **
It’s awful if you don’t get on with your boyfriend’s family, but when you get on with them better than you get on with your boyfriend, it’s not worth continuing the relayshe.
Patrick Casey AKA The Alcoholic (Richard Joseph Paul)
Recovering alcoholics fit the whole ‘bad man turned good’ narrative a lot of us find totally irresistable but, at the end of the day (and like Carrie finds), you’re going to have to deal with a hell of a lot of shit. From relapsing to, well, actually, relapsing is pretty bad. If you can’t cope with it, that doesn’t make you a bad person because in order to be good in a relationship you have to be good to yourself, blah blah etc.
Bill Kelley AKA The Politician (John Slattery)
Politicians. Ugh.
**Sean AKA The Bi Guy (Eddie Cahill) **
Can you deal if he’s bisexual? Cool. You can’t? That’s also cool.
Aidan Shaw AKA The Sensitive, Loyal One (John Corbett)
OH GOD SOMETIMES, CARRIE, SOMETIMES YOU’VE GOT TO GO WITH THE CARPENTER AND IGNORE YOUR STUPID BIG INSTINCTS OH AIDAN WHY WHY WHY. If you can’t tell, we’re Aidan fans. He makes things out of wood, and he doesn’t play games and he’s dependable and he has a cute dog. There is no life lesson here, except that you should marry Aidan if you ever date Aidan.
Keith Travers AKA The Big Shot Bullshitter (Vince Vaughn)
Hollywood agents are usually lying arseholes, but sex with them is at least an experience, and you might get some good gossip, too.
Wade Adams AKA The Mummy’s Boy (Cane Peterson)
Beware the mummy’s boy. If a guy loves his mum, that’s cute. If you and your guy get busted smoking pot by his mum and she scolds you and you feel 15 years old again, then that’s a bit weird. We’ve all dated a mummy’s boy, and we’ve all had that moment (although maybe not quite as obvious as Carrie’s experience), but it doesn’t make it any less creepy.
The Photographer (Jeff Forney)
If someone asks to take your picture, that doesn’t automatically mean they’re really sensitive and deep.
**Ray King AKA The Musician (Daniel Sunjata) **
If someone is a musician, that doesn’t automatically mean they’re really sensitive and deep.
Jack Berger AKA The Tortured One (Ron Livingston)
Oh, Berger. Charismatic, funny, cool but a bit way too tortured and haunted to be able to do a proper relationship. Most of us have had experience of this and, even if they’re not authors, can relate to the man-child-in-disguise. Loads of chemistry can also, annoyingly, lead to loads of arguing, and it’s usually not worth the hassle. Especially not if you keep having crap dates that end in screaming matches and storming off.
Howie Halberstein AKA The Misguided Rebound (Bryan Callen)
A rebound that looks like a rabbit. Probably not a recipe for eternal love.
Jeremy AKA The High School Boyf (David Duchovny)
Just because you got on well at school doesn’t mean to say nothing’s changed. For example, Carrie’s ex has been committed to a mental institution – but even if the changes aren’t quite that severe, hooking up with a guy from years gone by can hold a few surprises. Maybe they’ve become a banker, or have suddenly developed a really weird passion for elephant ornaments. Old exes will probably need a totally fresh screening, as if you would with someone you just met, especially if it’s been over a decade since you last got it on/had a conversation.
Aleksandr Petrowsky (Mikhail Baryshnikov)
Don’t be bowled over by money, talent, romance and words. Actually, being able to laugh and joke and be mates and not get left alone at huge press events while your famous artist boyfriend talks to his fans for hours is pretty important. We’re ignoring the fact that the whole point of Aleksandr was so Carrie could be rescued in Paris by Big, and we’re not happy about that plotline.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.