A few years ago, an older colleague said to me, ‘Never love a job, because it will never love you back.’ It startled me. I was 33 and had spent the past decade devoted to pursuing a career in journalism. I was proud of what I’d achieved, having risen up the ranks to become showbusiness correspondent for a national newspaper and then news editor of Grazia. Now I’m 38 and I’ve climbed yet further up the ladder, but I am still single. And when I look back at the past 15 years, that cautionary advice now feels deafening.
‘I regret prioritising my career’ sounds so shockingly unfeminist. But over the past couple of years, something has shifted inside me. Now that I am staring down the barrel of 40, single, with no children and not yet on the property ladder, I can’t help but wonder what would have happened had I not spent so much time investing in my own ambition and instead tried harder to find and nurture a relationship. Someone with whom to share a mortgage, and most pertinently, some children: things that really matter to me that I’ve always wanted. My mid-twenties were swallowed up working on a Sunday newspaper, travelling the country and spending weekend nights in the office. In the early years at Grazia, my evenings were spent attending red-carpet events. Every time a relationship went sour, I would pour more time and energy into work to distract myself.
And it was fun! I was living the dream, I loved my job and my independence. Mr Right would turn up eventually, and I could think about settling down and starting a family then, I’d rationalise. I now wish I had spent more time going on dates or analysing why relationships ended. I think my ambition intimidated men and I came off as too focused on work to have room for anything else in my life.
This week, Love Island presenter Caroline Flack, who is 39, said that she is 'scared' that she isn't going to prioritise having children soon enough. Speaking on Kathy Burke's All Woman podcast, she said 'I’m scared it’s going to get too late where I’ve wanted to go, ‘Right, maybe slow down, think about having kids and maybe think about settling down,’ but I’ve never had that.
'I feel guilty for it sometimes, I feel like maybe I’m being selfish.'
Many of my single friends feel the same. ‘I had blind ambition,’ says Amy, a 38-year- old bigwig in tech. ‘For years, all I could focus on was achieving my next career goal. I thought it was what was expected of me; I felt validated and I was earning great money. But once I hit 35, I started to think, there must be more to this?’ Rachel, 41, with a top job in publishing says, ‘Sometimes I get so angry, because I know I created this situation. Ten years ago, I never imagined what being single at my age would look like. I didn’t think that there wouldn’t be as many available men now. Sex And The City was wrong.’
It sounds like a cliché, but all the women I speak to bring up the same TV show - one to which I, too, was devoted. That trailblazing work of televisual brilliance sold us the idea that we were the first generation of career women for whom living a cosmopolitan-swigging life, clacking about in Manolos chasing men, unencumbered by a husband and children, was a desirable and real alternative. (Of course, though, by the end, three out of the four had settled down with Mr Right.) And now, guess what? The original Carrie Bradshaw, Candace Bushnell - whose newspaper columns the hit show was based on – recently revealed at the age of 60 that her perspective on her lifestyle has shifted. ‘When I was in my thirties and forties, I didn’t think about it. Then when I got divorced and I was in my fifties, I started to see the impact of not having children and of truly being alone,’ she told The Sunday Times last month. ‘I don’t want to be shot down, but now I do see that people with children have an anchor in a way that people who have no kids don’t.’
She’s right. And I am lucky, I still have time. But if it doesn’t happen, I don’t want ‘career girl’ to be the label society pushes on me to explain my status – for no matter how far we think we’ve come, single prejudice is still rife, from daily headlines to loved ones’ conversational slip-ups. In fact, I’d argue our role models for single women haven’t moved on either – in fact, they’ve regressed.
For as much as I herald the genius of Phoebe Waller- Bridge, I felt that Fleabag was far more unhinged than Bridget or Samantha Jones. She doesn’t even have a name, for goodness sake! She’s an embodiment of society’s fears of the single woman, all wrapped up in a revealing jumpsuit, some red lippy and a waft of Marlboro Lights (because only single, childless women would be so irresponsible as to smoke in 2019). Yes, she eventually comes to terms with being on her own, but what about her previous impassioned – and devastating – confessional about desperately desiring someone to share her life with?
Of course, I’m aware that both these shows are fictional. And I also appreciate that many women feel quite differently – Candace herself says she is ‘very fulfilled without children’. Equally, no life choice can guarantee a happy ever after (something Candace’s new book acknowledges with typical pragmatism, as she notes that she and her single friends are more financially secure than peers who gave up careers for marriages that later failed). I realise there is a downside to prioritising any aspect of your life to the exclusion of the rest. And, thanks to a brilliant therapist, I’m now more at peace with my single status than I was at 35.
But if I had one piece of advice for my 25-year-old self, it would be to find some balance – pursue the career, but not at the cost of all else. And don’t spend so much time watching Sex And The City.
What’s your perspective? Email feedback@ graziamagazine.co.uk to let us know
32 Things You Didn't Know About Sex And The City - Grazia (Slider)
1 of 321.
The tutu that Carrie wears in the opening credits cost $5 from a showroom bargain bin. It's now framed and hangs in Michael Patrick King's office.
2 of 322.
Even if she was filmed from the waist up, Kim Cattrall – who played Samantha – insisted she wore heels as she said it made her feel more like her character.
3 of 323.
MISTAKE ALERT! In the opening credits, the bus that goes past Carrie with her picture on it is full of people in the first shot, then totally empty once it splashes her.
4 of 324.
Sarah Jessica Parker was the only one of the four ladies to have a nudity clause in her contract stating she would never appear naked.
5 of 325.
Mr Big's second wife, Natasha, always wore white because her character was meant to be 'vanilla'.
6 of 326.
Remember that politician Carrie dates in Season 3? He only went on to play ROGER STERLING in Mad Men.
7 of 327.
Carrie's 'Newspaper Dress' was designed by John Galliano for Christian Dior and would have set her back $1,500.
8 of 328.
Cynthia Nixon, who played Miranda, didn't have pierced ears. All her earrings were clip-ons.
9 of 329.
When Trey (Kyle MacLachlan) proposed to Charlotte (Kristen Davis) outside Tiffanys, it wasn't the real Tiffanys. The store wouldn't let them film for security reasons, so the set designers had to design a fake Tiffanys window. A Tiffanys employer still okayed it though.
10 of 3210.
No outfit was ever repeated twice – except Carrie's fur coat in the final scene of the last series where she's on the phone to 'John' (you know who that is!).
11 of 3211.
When Miranda's cat steals Brady's umbilical chord (hard to forget that bit) the 'umbilical chord' was actually some beef jerky tied to a piece of string.
12 of 3212.
The scene where Carrie and Miranda ate a cupcake outside Magnolia bakery was credited for the global boom in cupcakes sales which followed. Yes, GLOBAL. The shop also later had to hire bouncers to control the crowds.
13 of 3213.
Why was Mr Big called Mr Big? Sex and the City author Candice Bushnell told New York Magazine in 2004, 'He was one of those New York guys with a big personality — you just notice him as soon as he walks in the room.' She also said, 'I called him Mr. Big because he was like a big man on campus.'
14 of 3214.
Carrie's 'Carrie Necklace' came from costume designer, Patricia Field's, East Village shop – often frequented by students. 'That name necklace was something that black kids, Puerto Rican kids, borough kids, ethnic kids had been wearing forever, that was just a statement,' she said. She had one made up especially for Carrie.
15 of 3215.
Jennifer Aniston's hubby, Justin Theroux, appeared twice in SATC. First as Stanford's pal in Season One's The Monogamists, Jared, who Carrie flirts with at New York Magazine's '30 coolest people under 30' party. Second, as writer Vaughn Wysel in Shortcomings, who has a very close and open family, the mother of which Carrie felt was the person she ultimately had to break up with when the relationship with Vaughn collapsed.
16 of 3216.
Who was Mr Big based on? Publishing executive Ron Galotti, former publisher of GQ and Talk. Wanna see a pic of him? Ok...
17 of 3217.
Mr Big was originally described by Carrie as 'the next Donald Trump'... WHAT A RELIEF she was wrong.
18 of 3218.
The first dog to play Aidan's pooch, Pete, was afraid of actor John Corbett. It loved SJP though. In the end, they had to find another dog for the role.
19 of 3219.
When Carrie falls into the Central Park pond to avoid a kiss from Big, Sarah Jessica Parker cut her foot on the bottom and had to have a tetanus shot straight after, even though the pool was dredged prior to filming. Luckily the scene was filmed in one take – but still... WHAT a palaver!
20 of 3220.
Sarah Jessica Parker was once set-up on a date with Willie Garson. Who was he, you might ask? Only Stanford Blatch!
21 of 3221.
Season 5 was created to be shorter than the other series' because Sarah Jessica Parker was pregnant.
22 of 3222.
Carrie never calls Mr Big 'Big' to his face – only behind his back. In fact, she doesn't call him anything at all in the ENTIRE series. It's only in Sex and the City: The Movie that she refers to him by his real name, 'John'... and that's just the once when she gets home and asks where he is.
23 of 3223.
The four girls' family are rarely mentioned because the show's creators didn't want family issues to detract from the friendships and characters.
24 of 3224.
When Carrie goes to LA to talk about a film version of her book and ends up having that #awkward chat with Matthew McConaughey about his take on the 'Mr Big character', Matthew wasn't the first actor approached for the cameo. Originally it was Alec Baldwin, who turned it down. As did George Clooney. And also Warren Beatty.
25 of 3225.
Candice Bushnell only made $60,000 from selling the film rights to her bestselling book Sex and the City.
26 of 3226.
The most expensive dress Carrie wore was the Atelier Versace Couture 'Mille Feuille' gown in the penultimate SATC episode, when she was in Paris awaiting her date with Aleksandr Petrovsky. It cost $80,000.
27 of 3227.
Carrie's apartment – 245 E 73rd Street, between Park and Madison – doesn't exist. It's actual location was 66 Perry Street, between Bleeker and 4th East 73rd street.
28 of 3228.
All the ladies 'lobbied' for more diversity on the show, 'no one more than Sarah Jessica', Cynthia Nixon once revealed.
29 of 3229.
Kim Cattrall only decided to play Samantha after a friend convinced her. She turned down the role twice.
30 of 3230.
Carrie Bradshaw's apartment was sold in 2012 for $9.65million. In the series she said she paid just $750 per month in rent for it. OH THE DAYS.
31 of 3231.
The book Love Letters Of Great Men from SATC
32 of 3232.
When Carrie bumps into Aidan carrying his baby in Season 6, the child was actually Sarah Jessica Parker's. That's why the baby looks so pleased to see her – CUTE!