When I was a young teenager, back in 200COUGH, all of my friends were obsessed with Justin Timberlake. While I could appreciate his poppin’, lockin’ and chic taste in trilbys, I secretly thought he looked like a weird Meerkat. That, however, didn’t stop me crying a river into my Nike drawstring bag, proclaiming, ‘I actually think my personality really complements his!’ with a menthol cigarette pressed to my lips (no inhaling).
Fast forward a decade and not much has changed (so much has changed, it’s mostly wide brims now), because I’m now sat at countless tables, devouring what seems like an endless production line of avocado-based meals, proclaiming, ‘I actually think this avocado really complements the harissa chicken!’ while glowering at the plate and flaring my nostrils with dread. Justin Timberlake. Avocados. It’s all the same thing.
In the last couple of years, the humble avocado has had its status raised to something of a dietary deity. Apparently, if you only eat one thing for the rest of your life it should be an avocado. Due to popular demand, the Unicode Consortium has announced that it will even be adding an avocado emoticon. And I seriously don’t think any of us are going to argue with the Unicode Consortium, are we? ARE WE? We’re all head over heels for avocados.
It’s been 10 years since I abandoned wearing combat trousers with kitten heels, so I can confirm that I’m officially mature, and it’s time to start telling the truth. Mainly about (you guessed it) avocados. Hey everyone, they’re fucking shit.
Before you try and destone me, let me give you a few reasons.
They’re bland
It’s not even that I hate the taste, I think avocados taste absolutely fine. I just can’t understand why people are losing their minds over a fairly bland, inanimate piece of fruit. Sure, I’ll eat it, but only if it’s heavily doused in salt and, thinking about it, I would eat a brick if it were heavily doused in salt (please don’t quote me on that).
They’re full of cals
Let me preface this with the fact that I know avocados contain good fats, and I know they’re high in potassium and fibre and low in blahblahblah, but let me very gently add that some foods have less calories per 100g. A Twirl, for example. A bag of mini Cheddars. Four apples. I’m aware it’s a health felony to count calories, but when I want to replace the avocado on my plate with a cheese sandwich – what choice do I have?
They make you feel bad, emotionally
For me the avocado encompasses my bleakest moments of hangover guilt. There I’ll be, flicking through Instagram on a Saturday morning in an attempt to distract myself from the previous night’s memory of harassing that friend of a friend I barely know, and I’m bombarded with hundreds (OK, maybe eight) smug breakfast photos of dry toast covered in near-fluorescent cherry tomatoes, a perfectly poached egg and soft, jeering hunks of avocado.
All uploaded four hours before I woke up. Pass me your knife and fork so I can perform harakiri on myself.
They’re bastards
As 100 different ‘hilarious’ memes have indicated, the life of an avocado goes like this: ‘Unripe, unripe, unripe, unripe, ripe, bad.’ At least when you eat a Snickers you know she’s gonna be ready for you. (Like ships and countries, snickers are female).
They attract arseholes
People who like avocados seem to also really like talking about avocados, and since everyone seems to like avocados I have been privy to a whole host of conversations about the various sizes, shapes, brands and recipes of the ‘Green Warrior’.
It’s my belief that avocados can go in the list of subjects that only the ‘individual’ cares about and therefore should just, please, keep to themselves – along with talking about your dreams from the night before, your nephews’ and nieces’ school reports, and your morning workout routine.
It leads to upsetting new words
One of the most popular things to do with an avocado is make guacamole. Which again, tastes absolutely fine. What is not fine however, is people casually dropping the second half of the word so it becomes (the phonetically gross) GUAC.
‘Can I order some extra guac with my burger?’
Like trilbys and fingerless gloves in the early 2000s, Americans can just about get away with it, but if you’re from Penge, then you’ve got no chance.
So let’s just give it a rest, eh?
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Follow Phoebe on Twitter: @phoebewalsh17
Picture: ivivalamolly
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.