Statistically speaking, next week is going to be the most depressing week of the year. It’s when most couples break up, when we’re poorest - and when our mood its most severe turn for the worst. Janxiety is here - and it’s making you sleep in through your best intentions, it’s vomiting kale smoothies all over your dreams of ‘a better you’ and digging in the heels of its brand new running trainers (jokes, they’re still in the box).
Now, instead of a six pack and shinier hair, you’ve been left with newer, greyer bags from all the sleep you’re losing over that Terry’s Chocolate Orange you consumed in one sitting two days ago, and a very real sense of impending doom. It’s no longer OK to have gravy and wine with every morsel consumed - even your magic bank card which, just weeks ago, unquestioningly bought those rounds for school friends you haven’t seen in seven years won’t accept you anymore.
But, if you’re pitiful and penniless like the rest of us, we want to tell you it’s OK. It’s OK that the only motivation you have is for films starring Julie Walters and baked beans. Because on whoever coined the phrase ‘new year, new you, we’re calling bull. In fact, we’re changing the whole sentiment. From now on, we’re backing ‘new year, not you’. Because you are not usually this poor, this powerless to leftovers – you, dear reader, are not a slave to The Sound Of Music.
The brilliant news? It will pass. In a couple of weeks, it will be February - but more than that, we will have been paid. And until then, all we need to do in January, is get through January. Get up, work, sleep. And moan about it on Facebook, probably. Are you with us?