Is asking to be transferred for a £3 coffee cheeky? Is two months too long to bring up that cinema trip you paid for? And surely they’ll pay you back for that concert ticket eventually, right? No matter how much or how little you have, money is an awkward topic – and most uncomfortable of all is asking for it.
Research from PayPal recently found that thousands of requests to be paid back that were sent last year are still left on read, with music fans in particular over £360,000 out of pocket. Out of all the friendship hurdles life can throw our way, financial fights are some of the stickiest to navigate.
It's the reason why financial expert and author Alex Holder coined the term ‘Mate Wait’ – describing the undetermined amount of time a person spends waiting to be reimbursed by a friend or loved one. In fact, one 2023 survey uncovered that Brits are so afraid to ask for money back from friends and family that we’d rather be left out of pocket, hoping that one day, just maybe, that £25 will drop into our overdrawn current account.
If the thought of asking your best friend to pay you back leaves you feeling anxious, you’re not alone. Payton, 27, tells Grazia, ‘I think buying your friends things can be a love language, that friendships aren’t transactional and sometimes it’s grabbing a coffee and not asking for money back – because in balanced friendships, it usually evens itself out. I’ve never once thought, “Wow, that friend is so rude for asking me to pay my share,” but I always fear on some level others will think that of me. We know our friends are as financially stressed as we are, so asking feels like burdening.’
It's a feeling Lucy, 31, also recalls from university - a time during which many young people get their first taste of handling finances, some more successfully than others. ‘I felt more awkward when I was younger,’ she explains, ‘whereas I wouldn’t care now. At uni, you didn’t want to be known as the naggy friend. Everyone was tight on money, so it felt like you were being difficult or not a team player by bringing the fact people owed you money too much.’
For Sam, 34, her friends know there’s no tit for tat when it comes to lunch dates. She explains, ‘Maybe it makes me stingy, but I don’t really care whether it’s a £3.50 pastry or a £70 theatre ticket. I want to be paid back. I care about my friends, but I know that we’re all working and can afford these things. I always do the booking and arranging for group events, because everyone knows I’ll follow up straight away. If they want to join in on the activity, their space isn’t confirmed until they’ve paid.’
I think bluntness about money can be refreshing.
While her close friends adore her no nonsense approach – ‘I think the bluntness can be refreshing’ – Sam admits that it could be a turn-off. ‘I am a direct person, and that’s not always something people love, especially from women. I have been called rude in the past. Maybe there are people who chose not to socialise with me again based on the way I objected to paying the extra £1.50 when the bill came.’
But for Harriet, 26, she’s not the one requesting money. Instead, she’s the one being asked.
‘I hate it, but I am that friend that everyone has to chase up to pay them back,’ she tells Grazia. ‘Finances are something I cannot handle. I have ADHD, which maybe adds another layer. I can be impulsive and sometimes checking my bank balance is scary. I always forget to ask for money back - not because my friends don't reach out, but I never get around to sending them my bank details or tallying up the amount. I don’t even want to know how much I might still be owed.’
But just why are Brits – in particular, women – so anxious when it comes to talking money? Answer: The Patriarchy.
Financial expert Alex shares, ‘We tend to avoid being direct, and it feels rude to bring up being owed money, awkward to remind someone, and emotionally uncomfortable for everyone involved. Since money is such a private matter, lending and borrowing can feel especially exposing. Then of course, women have long been socialised to believe that money isn’t their domain. Decades of prejudice have reinforced this – it wasn’t so long ago that women needed a husband to access something as basic as a credit card or mortgage! Money has been a taboo topic for so long that many of us lack the right words to discuss it. It’s unfortunate that it carries so much emotional weight.'
It's a double-edged sword. As Brits, we’re awkward at the best of times. As women, we aren’t always given the language to know how to talk about money. Let’s not forget, the right to open a bank account in our own name and apply for credit and loans without needing a husband’s permission was only passed in 1975. That's less than 100 years ago.
'My brother was given a Nike stock. I was never given that'
It’s something that Payton has experienced firsthand. ‘Women are much more conditioned to be people pleasers,’ she reflects, ‘to not be engaged with things like money because it seems impolite and uncouth, as if we’re in the regency period. It’s also wild how, historically, women are still so new to having control over our finances. My brother was given a Nike stock for his 10th birthday by my grandparents and a lesson on what stocks were. I was never given a stock or a lesson. Talking about money is a muscle we’re still learning to flex as women. I’ve started following women who specialise in financial advice for other women that isn’t patronising. We’ve been given a system made by and for finance bros, and instead of accepting it, we’re figuring out how to make a system that works for us.’
So, with a cost of living crisis at a high and that extra couple of quid coming in more handy than ever, how do we talk about finances?
As Alex tells us, the conversation about money doesn’t have to be awkward. She says, 'The key is communication. Only through honest conversations can people truly understand each other’s financial situations. To some, discussing a £5 expense might seem trivial, while for others, that’s all their disposable money they have for that week.'
And while it’s brought us climate change, gender pay gaps, and an orange Donald Trump, living in the 21st century does have its perks. Alex says, ‘We have so many messaging tools you don’t even have to ask to be paid back face to face! Group activities often require upfront payments, which can make it tricky to split costs, but features like PayPal’s pool money feature are great options. You can easily collect contributions from everyone without the hassle of awkward reminders. Just set up a pool, share the link, and let the platform handle the rest.'
And asking your friends for money is only the beginning. Payton adds, ‘I try to be more mindful about discussing finances in all areas of my life, including work. Talking about your salary isn’t embarrassing! It’s not a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of the workplace – and if they don’t want you talking, they probably have something to hide. I’ve been incredibly open with my co-workers about what my starting salary was, and it’s created this network of women who are better able to advocate for themselves. I want to bring a kind of financial gossip to my life that people hate to see coming.’
Paypal’s new feature is available now to customers in the UK, US, Germany, Italy, and Spain. More information on how to use PayPal Pool can be found here.