Before the very serious politics of who were to be my other half on Bebo or what song I should next illegally download on Limewire (shh) one of my very first dealings with the beloved internet was through the medium of ‘Ask Jeeves.’
For the confused percent (oh, you adorable lil Gen Z-er!!) take a seat in my office and I’ll give you the cold, hard facts*.
*Though for the love of god, don’t Ask Jeeves unless you like a screen that reads ’No results available for you, young Sir!’
Ask Jeeves was a search engine which encouraged users to type your full questions and Jeeves would scour the entire internet to find the answer for you. Who said chivalry was dead? This was before SEO was a thing and when there were only five web pages on the internet. One was a Justin Timberlake fan page. Jeeves never knew the answer. Jeeves didn’t give a shiny shit. Jeeves was apparently a butler. Jeeves' couldn't even tell if an avocado was ripe. Jeeves was embarrassed, sacked and then changed his name to Siri. I think he works for Apple now. Don’t quote me on that I’m lying.
Here are six real questions I have for Ask Jeeves. LET’S LAUGH TOGETHER.
1. Why are you so bloody smug?
Sorry, but I have no time for bullshit. I am a busy lady with emails to send and a cacti to water. Jeeves mate, your face is exactly like the one my mum would pull if, at 8pm on my birthday, I demanded to know where my present was (WHERE IS IT MUM) and poor mother was actually hiding an entire party in the kitchen complete with pugs/chocolate cake/my cousin I haven’t seen since she emigrated to Dubai. A type of smugness that would derive from a coincidental ‘‘I could really do with a chocolate digestive’ and you have a pristine packet of the bastarding things in your desk drawer waiting for me to inhale at 4pm. Oh Jeeves, What. Are. You. Like.
2. Why are your jacket and trousers mismatched?
I don’t wanna go all ‘noughties Trinny and Susannah’ on you, dear reader, but I have a point right? I mean, come on Jeeves make a bloody effort! This is your big moment. The pinnicle of your career. You’re having your campaign picture done and it’s a really big deal. You were in every ICT lesson during 2005? The fountain of knowledge and understanding yet you can’t co ordinate a simple suit? I’ve seen better dressed football hooligans on their way home from court. Either go matchy match or don’t bother? Gahd.
3. Do you actually work as a butler as a side hustle?
Or is it like our auntie Joan who is definitely not a real auntie? Or a party which you get roped into going but it’s just you and your friends sat on a sofa listening to R.Kelly’s Ignition drinking a tin of Carlsberg Whatsapping your entire contact list ‘you coming?’ Or like everyone on Instagram who is now a 'social influencer 'because their sister took a photo of them wearing a Missguided jumpsuit whilst on a summer holiday in Malaga? Once.
A butler is what Jeeves claimed to be, yeah sure, but one thing he definitely did not serve was search results. BURN.
4. Are you the original ‘Salt Bae’?
No, but honestly babe, I’d be filing a lawsuit if I were you.
5. Why did you not know ANYTHING?
I am not in Little Mix because I can’t sing nor can I twerk unless I’ve had three vodka cokes. I am not an accountant because I still can’t do percentage increase (soz to my manager for that one!) so why go for a job, that you honestly had no clue about? What's a girl got to do to get some search results around here?
6. Is it affect or effect?
BECAUSE YOU NEVER GAVE ME AN ANSWER DID YOU JEEVES? NUH HUH HONEY. NOW I AM EMBARRASSED IN 87% OF MY EMAILS AND WILL NEVER GET PROMOTED OR GET A SINGLE SLITHER OF TOE ON THE HOUSING MARKET AND WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING MUCH. THIS IS PROBABLY WHY I WAS GHOSTED ON TINDER. THANKS A LOT JEEVES. CHAMP.
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Follow Aimee on Instagram @a1meejakes
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.