I was 16 the first time I couldn’t get it up. It was the night I was meant to lose my virginity and I just couldn’t work it out. I wasn’t an old man. I wasn’t drunk. I was with a great girl and I’d even made a mixtape of ‘Boning Tunes’ to get the juices flowing.
The juices did not. Two attempted-thrusts in and my cock resembled a bungled burglar with a stocking pulled over his face. He looked guilty, pathetic and ashamed – pretty much the way I felt.
But when I heard sobs punctuating the silence and looked up to see my then girlfriend with her head in her hands I realised it was a pretty torrid experience for the both of us.
With the help of Psychosexual Therapist Joanna Benfield let’s ask an adult about impotence.
**Why is he freaking out so much? **
The cock is a pretty complicated thing. From ancient Egypt to modern day Japan, the phallus symbolises virility and fertility. Invert that idea and you can see why impotence makes men feel pretty shaky; it makes us feel we’ve failed at being a man.
'A man’s identity is intrinsically linked to his ability to go forth and multiply,’ says Benfield. ‘So when his erections are not as firm or as quick in arriving as they once were, a real dread can result, often accompanied by confusion, anger and a sense of insecurity.’
When you’re young and full of enthusiasm with hormones rushing through your blood the gamut of emotions are hard to deal with: the situation alone is a bewildering and unsettling one; sometimes being self-aware is asking too much.
Has he stopped fancying me?
In all the times I’ve never got it up – and there’s been a few – it’s never once been down to the girl I was with. However, Benfield says it’s important to remember that ‘erectile dysfunction is not only a difficult issue for men, it can also cause many concerns for their partners’.
She says women will often think, ‘He is no longer attracted to me,’ or, ‘I am not doing the right things in bed?’ But, she says, it’s important that ‘the female partner does not interpret erectile dysfunction as a personal rejection’, as, ‘This can lead to the couple finding themselves in a vicious cycle in which they both pull away from each other out of fear of failure and rejection.’
Is there any thing I can do? Should I go down on him until he gets aroused?
Making a beeline for his cock and prodding and pulling at it like a bomb disposal expert with ten seconds on the counter isn’t going to do any one any good.
The trick is to show that you’re cool with it and that you don’t see him as any less of a man (although I’d steer clear of those exact words). Whatever you do, don’t do that little finger wiggle thing no matter how tempting it is. You may well cause him a nervous breakdown.
In my experience, not being able to get it up has only been a big deal when I’ve made it a big deal. Sometimes my cock doesn’t want to come out and play, sometimes a girl just can’t get wet, it really doesn’t matter. And as one girl once said to me, ‘There’s always the morning, instead.’
It’s happened on three or four occasions now, what do you recommend?
In the long term, if the problem persists, then the issue could be psychological. If he isn’t experiencing any problems when he’s wanking, but only when he’s expected to perform, this is an indicator that his floppy disc is simply presenting the problem; the root of which is much deeper in the mainframe.
According to Benfield, ‘The penis is extremely sensitive to stress and anxiety,’ so difficulties in his work life or financial circumstance could be the root of the problem.
Alternatively, it could be the relationship. If the man feels too controlled by his partner or emasculated ‘this can manifest itself in erectile dysfunction – a kind of psychological castration’. In extreme cases, Benfield suggests booking an appointment with a couples’ therapist.
I don’t want to leap to conclusions, are there any things I can do to see how serious this is?
First up, Benfield says you should alter your sex routine – take penetrative sex off the table for a few weeks and focus on massage and non-sexual touch. Enjoy the broad spectrum sexual intimacy has to offer and rediscover ‘a sensual bond’. Once there’s no pressure to perform, men relax and ‘paradoxically, may often find that an erection occurs naturally’.
If the problem keeps occurring even after this, I would try and get your fella to engage with it first hand. Over the years, as I’ve come to understand my body better I’ve grown to accept the circumstances, both physiologically and psychologically, which will lead to me struggling to get an erection. For example, if I’m stressed I’ll find it harder to get aroused, and the same is true if I’ve had three or four pints.
Talk to him about his doubts, fears and worries. It may well be that something he sees as out of his control in his day-to-day life, no matter how small, is actually having much larger implications on his subconscious. A new boss he’s eager to please; his father knocking on a bit; maybe some friends have had a kid… All these things can trigger a sense of fear and doubt deep down in a man.
A cup of tea and a good chinwag goes a long way in these situations. You might not be shagging on the kitchen table before lunch time, but you may well uncover the reason behind the impotence and that’s the first step in finding a solution.
Follow Gareth on Twitter @garethmay
Picture: Beth Hoeckel
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.