Where Have All The Ambitious Men Gone?

Because there's nothing less sexy than a stoner-slacker man-child

Anna-Jay

by Rebecca Holman |
Published on

At the Golden Globes a few weeks ago, Nicholas Hoult (who’s a 5.6, maybe a six on the fame Richter scale) watched his girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence (who’s a Spinal Tap-style 11 on a fame scale that only goes up to 10) collect her second Golden Globe for her supporting role in American Hustle. Of J-Law’s fame, he later said ‘she deserves it all, it’s fun to watch.’

Once I finished musing on the fact that J-Law’s seemingly endless talents extend to picking the world’s most quietly perfect boyfriend, I realised that this entire exchange was almost identical to one I had with a friend’s boyfriend, a year or so after we graduated. When I say almost identical, we weren’t at the Golden Globes, he’s never once met Hugh Grant and we were talking about her burgeoning career in human resources rather than the fact that she was the highest grossing female action star of all time, but I digress.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: ‘Great news about Helen’s promotion.’

Helen’s boyfriend: ‘I know – I’m really pleased for her, she’s really put the hours in, she was working all weekend. But it’s definitely what she wants to do, so it’s great for her.’

Me: ‘How’s your job going?’

Helen’s boyfriend: ‘Ticking over, it’s a bit boring. I’m thinking of leaving, but I’m not really sure what I want to do instead. I was thinking about retraining as a carpenter… I know I’m not qualified yet, but I don’t know if accountancy’s really for me.’

Helen’s boyfriend was (is – he’s not dead, although he has since been upgraded for a newer model) a lovely bloke, and was incredibly supportive of her ambition. He just didn’t feel the need to match it with his own. From what I can gather, eight years on, he’s now a fully qualified accountant, still ticking over in a job that pays him enough money, without putting too much strain on his time or energy. In five or ten years time, untroubled by a couple of stints of maternity leave and ongoing childcare concerns, he’ll probably hold a more senior position, and earn more money than both Helen and his current girlfriend. But for now he’s happy to putter along, while the women in his life reach for the stars.

The ambition gap between young men and women is growing and, according to new stats released last week, it starts at university. UCAS said that this year, of the 580,000 people who applied for places at British higher education institutions, 58% of those were women (this is up 3% on the 2010/11 academic year). In at least 20 different institutions, there are twice as many female full-time undergraduates as men. ‘There remains a stubborn gap between male and female applicants which, on current trends, could eclipse the gap between the rich and poor within a decade,’ said Mary Curnock Cook, the Chief Executive of UCAS, who thinks the gender divide has become a pressing issue.

But are young men aiming lower, or are young women being encouraged to aim higher? The University of Chicago Population Centre paper Leaving Boys Behind, which looks at the increasing gender gap between men and women in education, and their divergent attitudes to education and employment, thinks it's the latter. ‘The proportion of girls anticipating working in a clerical job at age 30 plummeted from one in five in the 1980s to less than one in 40 in the 2000s.’ And while girls see education as a passport to a good job, some boys still tend to think they can wing it with minimal education.

Up to a certain point – who cares? Is it really a problem if your uni boyfriend is bringing home consistent 2:2s and has no idea what he's going to do after finals? If he’s got a mate who can get you into the student union club night for free and doesn't judge when you’ve had one too many Jägerbombs, then that’s the important thing.

But what about when you graduate and start going about business of being a grown-up? You might find that a boyfriend’s lack of interest in getting on the career ladder, or indeed getting a job that doesn’t involve wearing a name badge can get a bit… tiresome.

Hannah, 23, recently chucked her boyfriend of a year when she realised that what she mistook for boyish charm (my words, not hers) was actually a perpetual refusal to grow up. ‘First, he got done for drink driving and lost his driving licence so I found myself driving him everywhere. Then he decided he couldn’t be bothered to work full-time, so he supplemented his income by volunteering for medical trials and spent the rest of the time going on long holidays or surfing,' she says. ‘At the same time, I was doing unpaid internships and spent all my spare time working in a bar to try and pay my way. I was trying to become an adult, which was exhausting, and he had no desire to even try. He’s 25, but I don’t know how anyone over the age of 19 would put up with him.’

A recent study has shown that women aged 22-29 in full-time employment out-earned men by 3%. And while the recession saw a surge in the number of self-employed, just 2% of men set out on their own, compared with 16% of women. Meanwhile, across the pond, some studies have shown that American men aged between 25 and 34 are almost twice as likely to live with their parents than women of the same age.

Popular culture’s fetishised the perpetual man-child for years (see: Knocked Up, Swingers), but the stoner loser schtick is starting to grate. In her book I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters and Other Guys I've Dated, comedian Julie Klausnerreflects on ‘guys’ – as in no longer a boy, but not yet a man. 'Guys talk about Star Wars like it's not a movie made for people half their age; a guy's idea of a perfect night is a hang around the PlayStation with his bandmates, or a trip to Vegas with his college friends... They are more like the kids we babysat than the dads who drove us home.' Klausner may have written this three years ago, about American men, but does this sound terrifyingly similar to anyone else?

It’s complicated though, isn’t it? After all, we don’t want a man who smothers our ambition with our own – so why are we fixated on our boyfriends being hunter-gatherer enough? How often do you hear a bloke complain that his girlfriend isn’t ambitious enough? Occasionally, but probably not that often. Maybe a supportive, kind boyfriend who lets you take the lead and nurtures your dreams rather than worrying about his own is what we really want and need?

And to be honest, we’re better off making the most of the advantage while we can. With children and part-time work potentially looming in many women’s thirties, the ambition gap closes entirely, and goes the other way. On average men earn 2.9% more than women in their thirties, and in the 40-49 and 50-59 age range, the gender divide becomes huge, with men earning 24.9% more than women. So maybe what we really need to be asking is, why doesn't the ambition gap last?

Follow Rebecca on Twitter @rebecca_hol

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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