My demons aren't complicated. They are ruthlessly single-minded. As I stand on a stage or face a TV camera, something in my head screams 'FAT YOU ARE SO FAT AND DISGUSTING WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS PEOPLE WILL SEE HOW FAT AND DISGUSTING YOU ARE'. As the recording ends, I get the second wave, the same weird feeling of dread that accompanied walking into the sports changing rooms at school. I know that people are going to see. I have the wrong body shape and there is nothing I can do to hide it. People are going to see.
I am not ashamed of having experienced depression throughout my life - to be honest I think that's pretty normal. What I am embarrassed to admit is the self-disgust of my body that has plagued me since primary school. If ever I lack fluidity in speaking, or concentration fades, it is because - in that moment - the demons are winning.
Somehow I hoped for a long time it would just go away. In politics, being on telly is just part of the job. I thought I would get used to it, but I never have. Admitting to mental health challenges is one thing. Recognising that your job can trigger them is another.
I told her that I didn't have the right body for television and as such that I would be somewhat hampered in politics
Being a politician has been a journey of acknowledgement for me. My brilliant friend Jess Phillips included my story in her book Everywoman. I told her that I didn't have the right body for television and as such that I would be somewhat hampered in politics. Her point - well made - is that in life it probably takes all sorts and that most people feel that way.
I was amazed when Jess chose to put my feelings in her book. I thought that I was very much alone in feeling this way, and to be honest it was liberating that someone else thought that other people might be in the same boat.
It's why I am writing this. Maybe I am not on my own. And for a while, I thought that if I shared it honestly I could overcome my fear. Now I think that this is a chronic condition, rather than an acute one. It will be with me always.
For the record, I am about a size 14. I don't know if it makes me fat or not and I anyway, am not ashamed of that. It is not my actual body that is the cause of all this. It is the complex mix at the heart of all mental health issues: genetics, society, the stuff that happens in life which therapists label trauma, particularly to women whose bodies are too easily touched without consent.
That challenge is bigger than me. It needs a bigger approach.
So what is the answer to all this? Since 2015 I have been proud to support Sport England's This Girl Can campaign that sets out to inclusively promote women's participation in sport and physical activity. It does so by understanding two simple facts about women's bodies: you more likely to care for your body if you love it rather than hate it, and that shaming people into exercise is counterproductive. What works is celebrating the magic of sport: the unbeatable combination of anxiety-battering physical activity and the company of other people. For me sport is the perfect distraction for my head, whilst my body gets what it needs to function properly.
How people talk about bodies matters. No amount of fat-shaming will ever make our society healthier.
The This Girl Can principles could be made to work for everyone. We need every child to enjoy sport and school, and for our growing older community to feel welcome and included in the nation's sporting life.
There is a central truth in all this. How people talk about bodies matters. No amount of fat-shaming will ever make our society healthier. What will work is proper investment in local sports facilities, and continuing work from all our governing bodies - supported by governments local and national - to get the sporting environment right. I have come to the conclusion that my body hating demons will never really go away. It is not in my control.
But where we can all help is campaign for participation and inclusion in sport that will make sure future generations don't hide their bodies in secret for fear of ridicule and shame.
Instead we need those future generations to find magic in their bodies; joy from a goal scored or a forehand hit or a couch to 5k completed. The best way to show that is that we all start to do that ourselves.