If you’re not at quarter life yet, then it’s coming for you. If you're very reasonably facing the big TWO-FIVE by drinking cider in the park and panicking, then let Kieran aid you through your personal crisis – if only just to let you know that she totally gets why you would be freaking.
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You’re too old to be in the Spice Girls
All the Spices were under 25, which means that you’re now too dried up for platforms and pigtails (but not for girl power, so don’t have a total breakdown).
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Your box has changed
Welcome to the 25-34 box. The end of early-twenties angst, the beginning of a midlife crisis.
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You’re too old to qualify for a National Railcard discount
No savings for you!
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You’re not making the same amount as your age
Can you believe that at one point people actually used this as a real measure of income? Like, was EVERYONE on opium before we were born, or…?
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You probably won’t own a house before you're 30
Oh hai housing crisis! Though, at least that’s not just you. It’s all of us. While I'm on this, can I do a quick plea to stop a generation watching Grand Designs? Too depressing.
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If you come up with a great business idea, it’s not that impressive
You’re not really a young entrepreneur, are you? Society kinda expects you to come up with a good idea by now, so jeez, what do you want – a medal?
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You’re probably interning with people younger than you
Ugh.
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Quarter-life crisis
LOL. See above.
9.** You have enough money to eat out about three times a week**
Let’s say, on average. In which case, you have to start picking your best friends.
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You can’t really have a Tumblr anymore
I still have one and I look creepy scrolling up my teen-dominated dashboard.
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People start buying you shit for your house
WHY have I just received plates for my birthday?
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You think you’ll be able to stop doing that weekend job to subsidise the money you make as a ‘creative’
That probably won’t happen this year, though.
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Old student syndrome
If you took a few years out to have fun/screw the system and decided to defer studying for a few years, you are now an old, creepy student and everyone in halls will make you feel like it.
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Make-up counter girls tell you you’re old
Seriously, stop trying to sell me anti-ageing cream, woman. I don’t need reminding that my face is slowly collapsing. PLUS I know they don’t work.
Stop trying to sell me anti-ageing cream. I don’t need reminding that my face is slowly collapsing
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People get a bit judgy when you turn up to work in trackie bottoms/on a comedown/with last night’s kebab on your shoe
Fuck you, haters, you don't know my life – what do you expect me to wear? PEPLUM?!
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People writing articles about your eggs drying up
Is this something else I have to think about while I walk the streets eating packets of ketchup and looking for an income? Cool.
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The grey hairs are coming for you
This is different for everyone, but on average, 25 is the age when you have to start plucking silvery strands from your head.
On average, 25 is the age when you have to start plucking silvery strands from your head
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Hangovers are a bit harder
You’re not at the point when you’re 40 and you think you’re going to die, but you’re past the bit where you can jump up in the morning, eat eggs, listen to the Prodigy and have another drink.
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You can’t ask Mum to buy you a winter coat
Well, my personal opinion is that anyone over 18 shouldn’t really be asking for money from their parents, so if you’ve got to this age and still are, just stop. FFS.
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Café/papers identity crisis
You start getting all like, ‘Oh God, should I like, buy The Observer and eat croissants in bed?’ when you roll in at 11am on a binge.
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Settling down
Ugh. Casual sex is harder because everyone is panicking about settling down and marriage and how time is running out and it makes you reflect about what kind of father the boys you don’t even like will make.
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People start getting really pushy about smear tests
Christ, I’ll get my uterus swabbed in MY OWN TIME, OK?
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People notice your basic alcohol choices
Can I still buy Sainsbury’s Basics wine? Can I bring a £3 bottle of vodka to a house party? Which leads us on to…
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FUCKING DINNER PARTIES
Don’t get me wrong, I do like eating and not having to leave my house, but Christ – what is it with people who feel the need to throw unnecessarily ostentatious dinner parties all the time? I can’t cook, can’t afford to cook, and when you ask me to ‘throw a dinner party’ it makes me hate you.
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Everyone tells you you should be freaking out
Kinda screwing myself over here, but really, it’s all fine. Because if nothing else, at least you’re entitled to whine about how shit quarter life is – and if you can afford to buy meat/orange-juice-not-from-concentrate once in a while, then just shut up and check your privilege.
Picture: Carey Fagan
Follow Kieran on Twitter @kieran_yates
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.