Before we go too far with this piece, let’s just openly acknowledge that I’m writing a piece for a website – which, from what I’ve been told, appears on the internet – about giving up the internet. Let’s all do a quick side eye at the editor who commissioned it, and move on without too much more fuss.
Last week, a survey claimed that a third of Brits say they would be unable to go 24 hours without going online. Boredom being the main reason, and 87% declaring in a voice that for some reason I imagine to be like my stern Grandpa Tom’s, ‘It’s just the way things are nowadays.’
Is it though? Is it? ENTER ME AND MY BIG STUBBORN FACE.
This weekend I spent 24 hours offline and kept a diary of how it went. That meant no GraziaDaily, no emails, no WhatsApp, no Tinder, no Spotify, no Netflix. I even turned off iMessage because that is technically using the internet and I’m really pedantic.
Here’s how it went...
Midnight to 8am:
I’ll be honest, these first eight hours are a breeze. I have no problem at all ignoring the internet. Because I am asleep. It is surprisingly easy to be offline when you’re asleep. Feeling pretty smug when I wake up.
8am-10am:
MY SKIN IS ITCHING YOU GUYS, IT’S ITCHING. What if important people were emailing me in the night? What if a Nigerian prince needed urgent funds while I slept? I’ve had to turn my phone off because I keep picking it up to check my inbox. Usually checking my emails is the first thing I do when I wake up and I feel certain things of enormous import are happening this very second and I am missing them. I prowl my flat, with the TV on, ticking things off in my head that I’m not allowed to do and wondering if the microwave uses the internet. It doesn’t, right?
10am-12pm:
I’ve been cleaning. It’s a good distraction, but I get irritated when I can’t Google, ‘How to get rid of middle of the night curry stains.’ YouTube would have a video for this.
12pm-2pm:
I was going to go to a yoga class to stop me going insane, but I can’t use their app to check times and book a class, and I can’t Google their phone number to call. I’m completely stymied. So instead I just watch more Big Bang Theory which, luckily, appears to be on 24 hours a day. But even that’s frustrating because I want to check IMDb to see how old Penny is and use Wikipedia to see if her and Leonard are still dating in real life.
2pm-4pm:
I meet my friend for a late lunch, which is such a relief. Except that she keeps getting her phone out to check her emails/WhatsApp/Facebook. It’s a reminder how much I usually do that around other people. It suddenly seems a bit rude (more on phubbing here...).
4pm:
I was going to add my lunch to MyFitnessPal and lie about the calories but I can’t even do that. Where’s the joy?
5pm:
I go for a walk, because what else is there in life. I want to listen to a podcast but haven’t downloaded any new ones. I don’t even have any music on my phone, because of Spotify. So now I’m walking around in silence in London where everything is grey and there isn’t even any bird song because nature is dead.
I spent about 40 minutes wandering around my local Londis. Pretty sure they think I was shoplifting.
6.30pm-8pm:
I ring my sister to break up the monotony. She’s horribly suspicious. ‘Why are you ringing me?’ she wants to know. It’s a fair question. The only person I actually call these days is my mum and I’m pretty sure even she hates it. I explain my situation and wonder if it would be breaking the rules to ask her to tweet for me. She won’t do it because she’s selfish, and also because she disagrees that the opera singer in the GoCompare advert has actually got a lovely voice. We talk for a long time and it’s surprisingly lovely. Until she suggests we Skype later. ALL THE UGHS.
This was the period of time I forgot what the difference between the internet and electricity was.
**9pm: **I read newspapers and make a list of everything I would watch on 4OD and Netflix if I were allowed. Then go to bed early because what is the point of being alive.
I SURVIVED. Technically I was able to go 24 hours without the internet, even though I complained the whole time. If I desperately need to have learned something from it, I suppose it’s made me realise I am too reliant on my technology and how too often I find myself watching TV, as I check my phone, while my computer also sits in front of me. Maybe that’s depressing. I also learned I have no friends because the next day I’d missed absolutely nothing except some emails from Amazon.