12 Comebacks For All Those Annoying Questions Every Woman Is Sick Of Hearing

Cash me outside how bout dat, says columnist Lucy Vine

kristen stewart rolling eyes

by Grazia |

They say: “Why don’t you givvus a smile?”

You say: Because the smile police – which you are not one of – told me it was fine for me to move the muscles of my own face however I so choose. They also told me to tell you to stop being a creep to women in public.

(Alternatively, I recommend drawing a smiley face on the nail of your middle finger and let that do the replying for you).

They say: “How do you do it??”

You say: I literally have no other choice but to do it, because this is my life and no one else wants to live it on my behalf. Unless you want to?

They say: “What's your bra size?”

You say: Honestly, I have no idea. I seem to be a different size in every shop. Sometimes I am a different size in the same shop. And that’s before you take into account how much my boobs change on a day-to-day basis, depending on my cycle. And I can’t even plan for that properly because Aunt Flow is so unpredictable. Where are you going why don’t you want to talk to me about my period please come back.

They say: “You look so tired, did you not sleep well?”

You say: That is such a pleasure to hear! There are days when I don’t want to look in the mirror because I feel so shit about my stupid face, and scream at my phone when the camera accidentally opens on selfie mode, but having you here as my cheerleader makes all the difference. Let’s talk about that really lovely hat you’re wearing today.

They say: “Ugh, you're not one of those feminists, are you?”

You say: Yes! I am! And so are you! The education system has clearly failed you somewhere along the line because you apparently think feminists are angry women who hate penises, and not, in fact, human beings who all want equality for both sexes. I’m a feminist and I love penises! How do you feel about penises?

They say: “Why are you single? High standards?”

You say: My standards are exactly the level they need to be. Unless you're here to tell me I'm uglier than I think I am? Is that what you’re saying?

They say: “When are you getting married?”

You say: Hopefully never! I just bought the BEST Miss Havisham wedding dress that I’m going to wear every day around my dusty mansion with my seventeen cats who will eventually feast on my remains when I eat myself to death. I’m pretty excited about the whole thing.

They say: “And WHEN ARE YOU HAVING KIDS TICK TOCK TICK TOCK?”

You say: Oh hey, stand still for a hot sec, while I draw a chalk circle around myself, so you can literally see my boundaries and how far over the line you just crossed.

They say: “That's not very lady-like is it?”

You say: The only Lady I know is the dog from the Disney film, and she ate dumpster spaghetti with a Tramp, and – presumably – regularly licked her own genitals.

(Then, ideally, burp in his face)

They say: “Chocolate?! What’s the special occasion?”

You say: The special occasion is that chocolate is my favourite thing in the world, and I would ideally eat it for every meal, so actually, this is me being really restrained. Also, do you understand that Creme Eggs are only available for about seven months of the year?

They say: “How can you walk in those shoes?”

You say: These are sexy AF, and I like the way I feel in them for the first ten minutes, so walking is not relevant. And since women are constantly scrutinised and expected to wear heels – even at work – despite the damage it does and the pain it causes, any kind of judgey comment about what society is making me do is unwelcome, ta.

They say: “Are you obsessed with vampires/Christian Grey/Love Actually/The Notebook?”

You say: I’m going to tell you a secret right now, that you are not allowed to share with anyone – you hear me? Ready? NOT EVERY WOMAN IS THE SAME. I know, I know, your mind is blown. I hear you, it’s hard to get your head round it, but it’s true. The world is full of people – men and women – and they each have varying tastes and interests. Also, Christian Grey was a sociopath fucking sadist.

Hot Mess by Lucy Vine is published by Orion and is available to pre-order now, out in eBook on 25th May £2.99 or in paperback on 13th July £7.99

Follow Lucy on Twitter at @lecv

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