With news that explicit music videos will finally carry age restriction ratings, we’re pretty happy. Because, as well as banning kids from seeing stuff they just shouldn’t, this will open up a space where we can talk about the grossness of explicit, sexist music videos and their effect on adult interactions without having to defer to the ‘what about the kids’ argument?
But we were wondering if there were some other ratings we could apply to music videos to make watching that much less distressing?
The ‘The Featured Act Won’t Actually Feature In The Video Alongside The Main Act’ Rating
Missy Elliott made a mini-comeback with Little Mix on Hey, How Ya Doin', but didn’t even turn up to the same video recording. If we’re going to get the joy of seeing musicians interact with their colleagues, let them at least be in the same room at some point.
The ‘This Song Won’t Actually Start Until The Video’s Almost A Minute In’ Rating
Just get on with it, please…this is the stuff of house party playlist nightmares.
The ‘This Video Features An Improbable Nerd Dancing All Cool Because The Power Of Music Has Taken Over Their Soul’ Rating
We’ve all seen Glee, we’ve all seen Fame, we've been to provincial nightclubs. We know that nerds/old people/fat people can dance.
The ‘This Video Brims With Ethnic Minorities Being The Props’ Rating
Seriously, featuring white people as the centre of the entertainment, while ethnic minorities make up the minstrels surrounding them, is something we could do with a content warning for. As opulent and visually stunning as this video is, it also might need a rating for Diplo being all smug in the video, no matter how banging the song is.
The ‘This Video Is Going To Age Pretty Quickly’ Rating
Ok, so Billie Piper’s video for Because We Want To was released in 1999, but it looks at least five years older, thanks to the lumbering proto-CGI of a silvery morph man dancing with her then a rhino, for some unfathomable reason, working as a bouncer.
The ‘This Video Is That Video Joss Stone Did’ Rating
We have no words.
The ‘This Music Cuts Out To Make Way For Some Rubbish/Angsty Dialogue’ Rating
Yeah Justin, we get that you like doing angry sex with Scarlett Johansson but seriously, this is a real boner-kill during our YouTube sex playlist. We make a lot of YouTube playlists.
The ‘This Artist Simply Filmed It Here Because They Wanted To Go On Holiday’ Rating
Sorry, Lily, maybe the South African government, or maybe, maybe, you had a really great holiday in Cape Town with this one. Either way, so much of it is CGI you could’ve just made it in Elstree Studios.
The ‘This Video Is On Tidal So You Definitely Won’t See It Without Breaking The Law Or Forking Out Loads Of Money’ Rating
We can’t legally show you anything from Tidal. Not even Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj flinging hamburgers around.
Like this? You might also be interested in:
Hilary Duff's New Music Video Is Basically An Advert For Tinder
FKA Twigs, Mother Of Ribbons, Gives Birth To Them In New Video
Follow Sophie on Twitter @sophwilkinson
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.