Hearing about the Glastonbury line-up is always a bittersweet affair. Well, sweet if you’ve clambered aboard the Ed Sheeran band waggon of late, or really fucking bitter if the mate you’d assigned to get you a ticket low-key left you in the lurch to go with his brother like an hour before booking closed.
But alas, the time is once again upon us. The big ol’ release of who will (and won’t) be gracing the Worthy Farm site in the summer of 2017. After a couple of weeks of pretending to be surprised by the news that Radiohead, Foo Fighters and dear old Ed would be headlining, Team Glaso have finally revealed the full line-up poster which is very exciting. Let’s unpick it, shall we?
Primetime grime time
I think it’s fair to say that grime is all up in Glastonbury's grill this year. And it’s probably not all that much of a surprise really, especially after that huge grime take-over on the Sonic Stage last year. People have re-realised thatgrimeexists outside of south-east London and that kidz all over the place are really into it. Round of applause for all the big wigs paying attention to what the yoots are into…
Grimestonbury 2017 is going to be headed up my main man Stormzy, obvs. He’s having a hugely successful year already what with the album and everything. Then there’s Boy Better Know, Kano, Wiley and Dizzee Rascal (lol, welcome back, mate) in the mix too. But I have a feeling that by the time we get to June there’ll be a whole lot more of south east London prepping to skanking their way through the mud.
The nostalgia factor always wins
Let’s just take a minute to revisit the song of Shaggy the year 2000. Have a sit-down, and give Shaggy’s ‘It Wasn’t Me’ a moment of your attention.
Okay. So, now take what you just saw and mentally put it in a field in Somerset. Never have I ever conceived a reality in which Shaggy, as in, the purple satin blazer wearing man also known as Mr Bombastic would be playing Glastonbury. Questionable move, yes. But I’m a huge fan of rogue performances from the ghosts of school discos past.
Speaking of which, oh hey there Jacksons. Sorry, that’s The Jacksons to you and I. As in THE Jacksons are making their Glastonbury debut too. Didn’t see that one coming did ya? And I bet you had to take your eyes back to that top left-hand corner of the poster just to make sure you read it right. It’s true. They’ll be there. Are we into it? I mean, yes. But legendary as they are, apparently, they’re not there to fill the ‘legend’ spot like Dolly Parton and Lionel Richie did before them. No, that Sunday slot seems to have been taken by Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees.
Also, shout out to Haim, guys. Haim. I’m sure they’ll be playing stuff from their new album but we all know everyone will be waiting for those Days Are Gone bangers and get a bit too emotional when The Wire eventually comes on.
The generation game
Is it just me or does this year's line-up feel very 'get down with the millennials'? And by no means is that a bad thing. But as you scan through the list of names the big hitters (of the charts and social media) just keep on coming. You've got Katy Perry which, again, I can't say I'm all that surprised by. ICYMI she's a huge fan of the UK and has spent a lot of time over on this side of the pond recently. After that long old break she had, there are very few places I haven't seen her name pop up in recent months. Might have been nice to have a female headliner, but equally, I'm not sure if this year is her year to do it.
Then you've got amazing people like Lorde, The XX, Solange, Clean Bandit and Tove Lo. And these guys aren't just great musicians, they're cool. Like, that type of effortless, unattainable cool that earns you a very specific type of respect from your fans. And then, of course, we've got dear old Craig David who's still riding the wave of his 2016 comeback. Kids still think he's still cool, right?
Oh, didn't see you there
And then we've got the people who are a bit buried by the line-up. George Ezra, why are you so far down on the list pal? It's not like we'd hedged our bets on George being the surprise headliner of the Pyramid Stage on Saturday night, but if I'm honest it took me a few reads to spot the 'Budapest' singer's name, and sadly I'm not sure that's a good thing, friends. Oh, and the Kaiser Chiefs. Remember them? Haven't they performed at Glastonbury like, a gazillion times? Okay, well a few? They're going to be knocking about too, apparently.
What of the people who didn't make the cut, you ask? Well, you might have heard whispers of Lady Gaga possibly making her way to the UK to make her mark on the festival scene. It was an educated guess, I guess. Her Superbowl performance probably put her as a contender and there's no doubt it would have been quite a show. But evidently, it wasn't meant to be. There was also a Green Day rumour floating around which was erm, interesting. As great as it would've been to relive the emotional rollercoaster of your confused high school punk meets emo days for which Green Day was the soundtrack, I honestly can't say whose loss is bigger.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.