Seeking better sex? You’re definitely not the only one. Earlier this year, the lockdown of the UK saw sales of sex toys soar, while at Ferly we experienced a 65% increase in downloads. As a nation we may be busier than ever - more screens, more commitments, more interests - but it certainly says something that as soon we were forced to slow down, sex was the first thing on our minds.
For women especially, we know that sex happens between the ears, not the legs, and so naturally our pleasure is impacted if we are not present and focused in the moment. We are a generation of multitaskers, constantly thinking about numerous things at once, and of course this has had an affect on our sex lives. The best sex and pleasure happens when your thoughts, feelings and physical experience are all aligned. So if you’re thinking about deadlines at work, or who’s going to pick the kids up, you’re not going to have great sex.
So as the pace of life starts to speed up, how can we continue to prioritise our pleasure? At Ferly, we believe that practicing mindful sex is the answer.
Mindful sex is not about having slow, meditative, deeply romantic sex. It’s about being conscious and aware in the moment. There’s an awful phrase, ‘lie back and think of England’ which denotes sex as a role we play purely for someone else’s pleasure. Mindful sex is the antithesis to this, it’s about the experience being for you and allowing yourself to feel both the positive and, perhaps, negative thoughts that arise.
It can also be the key to overcoming one of the biggest barriers to good, enjoyable sex; anxiety. This could be anxiety around the act itself, communication with your partner, pain, inability to climax - societal pressures mean we have come to see sex as an act with an end goal, and this has affected our ability to let loose and enjoy the moment.
Mindfulness is a tool and skill we can learn that helps us become present in ourselves to silence the thoughts and feelings in our mind that are taking us out of the moment. As with any skill, practice makes perfect, and so mindfulness is a great way of prioritising your sexual wellbeing, as you would your physical and mental wellbeing, with a regular routine. Set time aside for your sexual self-care, anything from taking a long, relaxing bath to simply exploring your own body and thoughts - mindful sex is as much about pre-sex as it is the act itself, and often starts without physical touch.
The Best Solo Sex Toys For Women
1 of 15Womanizer Premium 2, WAS £169, NOW £139
Dubbed the 'Prada of sex toys', the Womanizer Premium 2 has more intensity levels than their other - already incredible - product line and an improved Autopilot function to take you on new, unpredictable adventures...
2 of 15We Vibe Melt, £119
A connected and contactless clitoral stimulator, this sex toy features patented Pleasure Air technology which stimulates the sensitive nerve endings of the clitoris with pulsating air waves and gentle suction. The slim and ergonomic design makes it easy to slip between two partners during sex, or to use by yourself - whatever makes you happiest!
3 of 15Liberty by Lily Allen, £89
The upgraded Womanizer vibrator, Lily Allen's 'Liberty' has received rave reviews. It's no surprise coming from the mother of all sex toy companies, and at just £89 it's one of their cheaper options. Don't be deterred by the price though, the orgasms you'll be having with this are more than worth it.
4 of 15Womanizer Duo, £179
The holy grail of vibrators, the Womanizer Duo has been remastered twice to create the ultimate solo sex toy. Combining the Pleasure Air technology of the Pro 40 - that stimulates your clitoris by mimicking oral sex (but better) - with a G-Spot massager intended to make you feel 'full', it's the definition of perfection. At £179 though, you're paying for it. But make no mistake, this is the best investment in yourself you'll ever make - you deserve it.
5 of 15Doxy Extra Powerful Massage Wand Vibrator, £89.99
With 4.5 star reviews across the board and tons of Google search around the Doxy wand, this vibrator is proving popular. It has incredibly strong vibrations operated via large buttons for easy operation during play and an ergonomic body for complete control over pressure levels and angles.
6 of 15LELO ORA 3 Oral Pleasure Massager Aqua, £130
On the even steeper side, the Lelo Ora 2 is the worlds only oral sex stimulator. For £130, you can only hope it fulfils expectations, but as the winner of the Cannes Lions award, we don't doubt it will.
7 of 15Lovehoney Magic Wand Vibrator, £49.99
With 4.5 stars and over 1300 reviews, you know this one has to be good. The mains powered wand means even stronger vibrations, which you can tailor yourself by increasing speed with the wheel function. For £49.99, it's a sex toy draw necessity (if you don't have a sex toy draw are you even human?)
8 of 15Womanizer Pro 40, WAS £119, NOW £59
When this product launched, it caused quite the stir in the sex toy community. Taking away fears of over-stimulation and sensitivity loss, this toy doesn't actually touch your clitoris. Don't be fooled though, the suction and pressure waves do enough to give you your best orgasm yet. At £89, we'd bloody hope so.
9 of 15Lovehoney Love Egg, £12.99
A personal favourite, this Love Egg is the cheapest vibrator of the bunch but by far the most recommended. It's speed wheel means you can go from mild to intense in seconds. While it may not be the prettiest vibrator in the world, it's one I will forever stand by. The reviews speak for themselves, and the power will be the best surprise of all. Currently out of stock
10 of 15Womanizer Classic 2, £119
A must-have in any sex toy draw, the Womanizer Classic 2 is discreet, simple and powerful. The new version comes with a unique and brand-new Afterglow feature which provides a relaxing end to an orgasm when the clitoris is the most sensitive. By short pressing the power button, the Afterglow feature allows the toy to quickly switch back to the lowest intensity level to finish your climax in a more comfortable way. Honestly, they think of EVERYTHING. Currently sold out
11 of 15Bondara Jessica Rabbit, £12.99
Luckily for you, Bondara's best-selling toy is also our cheapest rabbit on offer. At £12.99, you can't really go wrong with this one. Targeted towards beginners, it will ease you into vibrators if you're inexperienced. There's no time like the present to give it a try...
12 of 15Thanks For Cumming, Wally, £70
Wally is a clitoral vacuum stimulator who will keep you cumming back for more. With eight settings there is something for everyone, but don't be fooled by its size, this toy packs a punch. This innovative waterproof vibrator replicates the sensation of oral sex. It does this by using suction to stimulate the whole clitoris leading to enhanced pleasure. Wally recharges fast so it can go all night, which makes it the perfect toy for every situation.
13 of 15Aura Vibe, £67.99
This vibrating 'personal massager' is perfect if you're looking for a more discreet option. The noise out of it is kept to an absolute minimum, even on the highest intensity setting (for which there are three, and seven vibration patterns).
14 of 15Womanizer Scarlet 3, £69
The Scarlet 3 packs the same clitoral stimulating punch as other Womanzier products, but in a smaller package. It fits in your palm nicely for easy placement, a perfect addition to solo or partner play for beginners... but make no mistake, the orgasm is expert level.Currently sold out
15 of 1512 Nights of Pleasure Advent Calendar, £171 (worth £310)
Ann Summers are ahead of the curve this Christmas, releasing their sex toy advent calendar 12 Days Of Self Love with over £300 worth of products. From accessories to spice up your sex life to their most-beloved vibrators (we can confirm the mini rampant rabbit is just as effective as the large version, oh yes), this is a gift your friends will be thanking you for for years...
Knowing where to start depends on where you are with your relationship with sex right now. For those overcoming trauma or negative experiences, or just feeling very disconnected to sex, the starting point is actually nowhere near the physical act itself. Instead, start with your mind, thoughts and feelings - sex is as much how you feel about it as how you have it - by unpacking and exploring your emotions and fears. It could be as simple as writing down a list of feelings that arise when you think about sex so that you can begin to understand where these feelings are coming from and why they are there.
Those who are seeking better sex and more pleasure, could begin with a more exploratory masturbation practice - what we call self pleasure - which helps you reconnect with your whole body. Something like a self-imposed orgasm ban, to remove the ‘end goal’ so often associated with masturbation, can help you (re)discover your pleasure hotspots and get to grips with what feels good for you. Ferly provides a great framework for mindful exploration which will help you unlock different experiences for yourself.
For some, the work on yourself may already be done and the issues are arising with a partner, be that mismatched libidos or inability to orgasm with someone else. If you sit in this camp then you need to start with communication, the mindfulness component of this is being conscious and deliberate with your communication and supporting your sexual partner in understanding your needs. It can be better to start outside of the bedroom in a less tense setting, and be playful with it - hopefully this is someone you have mutual respect for and intimacy with - you could write up lists of turn ons and turn offs or your favourite parts of sex and compare. It’s important to have an open dialogue with whoever you are having sexual experiences with, and Ferly’s partnered play features can help with this, too.
Ultimately, mindfulness is a framework that helps us to become conscious and aware, to implement the tools required to be more confident in our relationship with sex. It allows us to become both the teacher and student of our own pleasure, with a clear practice cultivated through regular use, bringing together the body and mind in harmony to have better, more enjoyable sex.
Billie Quinlan is the co-founder of sexual wellness app Ferly****.