Virtually every mental health campaign out there emphasises the virtues of talking. Whether it’s anti-stigma organisation Time to Change with their annual #TimetoTalk day or ITV’s Get Britain Talking campaign, it’s a truth apparently universally acknowledged that the simple act of transforming our distress or confusion into words is helpful.
While I understand the sentiment and have huge admiration for the organisations championing it, the idea that just talking has automatic value is fraught with potential pitfalls and caveats. Some people, for example, can’t articulate how they feel: whether it’s because of neurodiversity, substance addiction or cultural or religious obstacles. There’s also the potential for the ‘just talk’ message to be interpreted as victim-blaming. It places an obligation on a person who is suffering to be proactive in potentially difficult circumstances in order that they might receive the help, which should be a basic right.
And while conversations around mental health can have inherent therapeutic value (a great chat stabilises levels of dopamine in the brain, optimising thought clarity), the extent to which they are effective all depends on the degree of connection between the people talking. It is, in fact, the sense of being heard, understood and accepted without judgment that has a positive impact on mental health. If talking results in responses that are unhelpful, it might actually do more harm the good.
It’s a subtle distinction, but the responsibility for facilitating the mental health conversation actually lies not with people experiencing mental health issues, but on the people they choose to confide in. It is their reactions that have the power to nurture or kill all-important connection.
With this in mind, below are seven tips I have learned in my capacity as a mental health campaigner for anyone wishing to effectively support a friend, colleague, partner or family member during a conversation about mental health:
One
It’s not your job to fix it: Straightforward advice, however well-meaning, can sound like judgment. I’ve lost count of the number of times someone living with depression has told me a friend has said ‘you should exercise!’. While exercise has been shown to be a great tool for preventing and managing ongoing depression, telling a person who might have used up all their emotional and physical strength just getting out of bed that morning to go for a run is far from helpful.
In the words of Research Professor Brené Brown ‘rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.’
Two
Ask open questions: The most effective way to show genuine interest in a person and to reassure them you aren’t there to judge them is to ask questions that don’t have a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. For example: ‘How long have you felt this way?’, ‘What were you doing when you first noticed you were feeling like this?’, ‘How is this affecting you?’ or ‘What would you like to happen now?’.
Three
Ask Twice: Time to Change launched a brilliant campaign last year called Ask Twice. Often, when we are asked how we are, we assume the person asking is just being polite and has no real interest in the answer. We’ve also been conditioned to say ‘I’m fine, thanks’ even if that’s very far from a reflection of reality. By asking again, you show you are genuinely invested in the conversation.
Four
Use a scale of 1-13: Sometimes, open questions result in shrugs. In that instance, numbers can be useful. I ask people to rate their mood from 1-13 (ask anyone to rate anything from 1-10 and their default response is ‘7’). When they give a number, ask when was the last time they can remember the number being higher than that. Ask what has happened between then and now and what would need to happen to make the number higher tomorrow. Numbers represent a different way into the conversation when words are proving to be an inadequate tool.
Five
Go shoulder-to-shoulder: You’ve probably had a great conversation with someone in a car. There’s a very good reason for this: evidence shows shoulder-to-shoulder communication can take away the intensity and awkwardness that present barriers to honest discussion. If you go for a walk, you also introduce a shared activity that can paper over any awkward silences and give you both time to think about what you want to say.
Six
Talk in the third person: If you’re concerned about someone but don’t know exactly why, or are frightened of sounding accusatory, try using a hypothetical example. Use a character from a book you know they have read, or a series you know they have watched who is going through mental health difficulties. Ask them what they think the person is feeling and what options they have available to them. This allows them to explore their own situation at a safe emotional distance.
Seven
Use silence: Any journalist will tell you the quickest way to get another person to open up is to sit in silence with them. Most of us aren’t used to silence, even if we’re on our own. We’re so used to filling each moment of potential boredom with stimulus, we forget how to just ‘exist’. If you want to develop your listening skills, try spending a minute in silence with yourself at some point today. See if, over time, you can extend this to five minutes. The more comfortable you are doing this, the easier it will be to bring this skill into a conversation.
And finally – these moments of connection not only improve brain chemistry, they’re an opportunity to provide a path to any further support needed. Whilst NHS waiting lists can be lengthy, numerous charities offer helplines and web forums that can provide immediate support in the meantime. The Hub of Hope is a great app, which is essentially Tinder for your mental health: type in your postcode and it generates a list of mental health support available in your area and tells you how far you are away from it.
For a list of organisations that provide safe information and advice, as well as a link to the Hub of Hope, visit www.natashadevon.com/advice-support
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