As far as I know, I’ve never had an enemy, not once in my 35 years. Perhaps I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but for the most part, I can generally can get along with everyone I meet. But there is this mum in my son’s year three class, let’s call her Janet, who I’ve known since the kids were in nursery together. Despite my efforts, she doesn’t like me. As my son became friends with her daughter last year, I wanted to make an effort to speak with her more.
I tried positioning myself in places where we would be able to chit chat, standing near the mum group she’s a part of at the school gates. Rather than acknowledge my presence, she often pretended I wasn’t there. She’d make eye contact with every other person but not with me. She responded to questions from other mums at length, but gave short, succinct answers to mine.
A dinner was planned for some of the mums in the class. I sat close enough to be heard by Janet, but far enough away that I could talk to other people. She didn’t speak to me once that night. If I participated in the whole-table conversation, Janet looked elsewhere, careful not to give me any attention as I spoke. When another friend said she had to get home early for work the next day, I quickly used her exit as an excuse to leave. I was reeling. If Janet had a reputation for being this rude, I’d just write her off. But the thing is, people love her. They think she’s hilarious and kind, they plan play dates and coffees out with her, no one has a bad word to say about her.
So what does it say about me that I care as much as I do? When I spoke to Georgina Sturmer, an MBACP registered counsellor, she told me my response was normal. ‘We are hardwired to be social creatures, the sense that we need affection, attention, and security from the people around us,’ Sturmer told me. ‘There is a natural instinct in all of us to get a sense of whether or not people like and approve of us.’
When someone clearly doesn’t like us, or they treat us differently from other people, Sturmer says it can feel really painful. ‘We have this cultural expectation, particularly as women, that it is important to be likeable and loveable,’ she said. ‘If someone doesn’t reciprocate that affection, we internalise it and decide something is wrong with us. It can have a real impact on our self-esteem.’
Helen Snape, author of Drop The Fake Smile: The Recovering People-Pleaser’s Guide To Self-Love, Boundaries And Healthy Relationships, told me people like myself who have a ‘deep-rooted urge to please others’ might have had an upbringing where love and attention were conditional upon behaving a certain way, and so it can feel like a threat to our survival when someone disapproves of us. ‘I hear from lots of women who get incredibly upset by others’ disapproval,’ she told me.
One friend spent decades worrying she was ‘too much’ for people, which made them in turn not like her. Another friend told me her relationship with her sister-in- law is her ‘biggest source of anxiety – I feel like nothing I ever do will ever make her genuinely like me. It’s exhausting.’
So, I know, it’s not just me who hates feeling disliked. There have been nights I’ve dreamt about Janet hating me. I’ve considered confronting her, but I am petrified of her, a feeling I have never felt about any other person. The thought of bringing it up makes my stomach flip.
Sturmer said that the feeling of not being liked can impact our mental and physical health, and our behaviours, so it isn’t a feeling that should be ignored, but worked through. Her advice? Notice when you are thinking about it, what your physical reactions are, and then do or think the opposite. If your breath gets shallow when the person is around, focus on deep breathing. Speak words of affirmation to yourself when you notice your thoughts swirling: ‘I am likeable, I have plenty of friends, I don’t need this person in my life.’
Sturmer suggests muting or unfollowing them on social media too. ‘It’s an unhelpful backdrop to these feelings,’ she says. ‘Because we easily fall down a rabbit role looking at the person online. There’s no positive outcome in doing this.’ She also stresses it’s vital to remember that there is no way everyone in the world is going to like us. ‘That idea isn’t rational,’ Sturmer says. ‘The kindest thing we can do for ourselves is to worry less about whether or not people like us, and focus on whether we like ourselves, and to nurture friendships that are rewarding.’
Three months ago, I decided I simply couldn’t carry on contemplating Janet’s animosity towards me. I didn’t have the energy for it. So I made a decision. I would stop trying to get her to like me. Three months after my boundary-setting decision, she still doesn’t like me, and I don’t think she ever will. But it genuinely doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m done trying to be her friend. Because the thing is, I know and like myself, and know plenty of people who do want to be my friend. There’s no point wasting my time and mental energy on someone who, for a reason unbeknownst to me, seems to hate me. Life is just too short.