Last night Siannise Fudge surprised viewers by asking Connagh Howard whether he wants to get married and have children. Given the reaction on social media, you’d be forgiven for thinking she was actually proposing rather than just asking whether marriage and babies is a concept that he’s open to in the future.
We talk about our goals for the future when they pertain to buying a house, running a marathon or being promoted. In every aspect of life other than romance, we’re actively encouraged to try. It’s regarded as impressive to strive for a promotion, save for a deposit and reach peak physical fitness.
So why, when the goal involves marriage or children, do we feel obliged to be secretive and act as if we’re not worried about it? What is wrong with actively seeking out someone who wants to marry you and have children? It’s not as if you’re asking for a sperm sample and an engagement ring; instead, just some guidance on whether you’ve got the same rough goals for where your relationship might end up.
The traditional advice on ‘hooking’ a man hinges on playing hard to get, seeming cool and appearing unconcerned about anything long-term. But asking whether the person you’re dating wants marriage and babies is a practical way to ensure that you don’t waste your time. You wouldn’t take a job without considering the potential for promotion, or buy a house without thinking about the resale value. Why would you then commit a large portion of your life to another person without finding out whether you’ve got the same values and goals?
On my first date with my now husband, I told him that I wanted to get married and have children. I was 23, so not in any desperate rush to do either of those things, but I also wasn’t willing to waste months of my life and then eventually discover that I had formed an emotional attachment to someone who was unable - or unwilling - to make a significant commitment.
He took the announcement that I wanted to get married and have kids in his stride. Other men I’d talked to about wanting to have kids and get married had been horrified, seeing their entire twenties vanish into a Volvo and a sensible new build in the suburbs. My husband, on the other hand, merely asked how many I wanted, and what I’d name them.
A man who runs away when you mention the concept of commitment is probably not in a position to provide any. If you’re looking for casual fun, that’s no big deal. But if your five-year plan involves a big white wedding and two children, then you can save a lot of time by cutting loose anyone who regards marriage as being synonymous with castration.
Wanting to know whether a potential partner is open to marriage and children doesn’t make you a psycho, a bunny boiler, or any of the other deeply sexist expressions that are used as lexical punishments for women who transgress. It’s a practical, pragmatic way to approach getting what you want out of life.
Between Rebecca Gormley smashing contraceptive stigma with her contraceptive patch, and Siannise’s rejection of outdated dating tropes, winter Love Island is getting dangerously close to setting a good example for women all over the UK.
READ MORE: Rebecca Gormley was shamed for wearing a contraceptive patch