Last week Princess Beatrice – famous for a) being the queen’s granddaughter and b) allegedly slicing Ed Sheeran’s face open while pretending to knight James Blunt – got engaged. And so next year, she'll have a wedding, a husband and, because her fiancé is already a father, like 1 in 3 people in the UK, she'll have a stepchild.
Getting married is enough of an adjustment when you’re taking on the other person’s emotional baggage and taste in bed linen. But when the person you love is first and foremost a parent, it makes things a little more complex.
We spoke to various different step-parents about their experience, and about what advice they would give to Princess Beatrice as she steps up to become a stepmother to two-year-old Christopher.
Kate* is 29 and stepmother to a six-year-old boy. She has been with his father for four years.
Becoming a stepmother is a big deal, and I’m not sure I realised quite how different my life would be. At the start it didn’t have much of an impact on my life as it was all date nights and mini-breaks. But once I met Kit, my stepson, everything changed. My mates spend their weekends sleeping off hangovers, but every second weekend we’re at London Zoo or the Science Museum.
For Beatrice it won’t be so much of a problem, but it’s really important to think about how marrying a step-parent will affect your finances. When my partner and I got married we decided to have joint finances, which means that I pay for Kit’s clothes and food. I’m comfortable with that, but it does mean I have less to spend on myself.
It can be an amazing role, but you must be sure that you can be unselfish. You will come second to their child, and that can hurt.
Rose*, 37, is stepmother to a 19-year-old son, and has been with his father for seven years.
I would tell Beatrice to not try and be her stepson’s mum. Step-parents should let their dad take the lead on discipline. If you’re unhappy about something talk to the dad and agree on how you’ll handle it. Always be respectful of their mum, even when you don’t agree. Most of all, think of the importance for their relationship with your kids – as and when you have them. Never used the term ‘step-brother’ or ‘half-brother’, jut brother or sister. Being a step-parent does mean making compromises, but then family life is full of them anyway.
Libby* is stepmother to three girls between nine and 15. She has been with their father for three years.
I’ll be totally honest. If I were a friend of Princess Beatrice’s I’d be telling her to think twice about whether she wants to become a step-parent. It’s really, really hard. At the moment my step-daughters have decided that I’m the reason that their parents split up, and very often won’t speak to me.
I tried all the bonding activities, I’ve spent hours thinking of things that they might enjoy and I’ve never tried to be their mum. But no matter what I do, they refuse to like me. Lately I’ve just started doing my own thing when they’re around and letting them have alone time with their dad, and they seem a lot happier.
Also, I would tell Beatrice, or anyone else who is going to become a step-parent, that you need to be clear about your limits and expectations before you get involved. Are you willing to have them live with you? Or can you only handle every other weekend? Don’t offer more than you’re able to give, or you’ll regret it.
Carrie*, 35, is stepmother to a 13-year-old and has been with her father for nine years.
It’s important to find your niche for things that you can do to bond with your step-child, things that are different from what they do with their mother. My step-daughter and I have always enjoyed shopping, cooking and camping together, which are things her mother doesn’t especially enjoy. It means that we’ve carved out our own space to bond.
Miriam* is stepmother to a boy and a girl aged four and seven. She has been with her husband for three and a half years.
Like Princess Beatrice, I got involved with my husband when his child was still very young. Neither of the children remember a time before I was with their dad, which means they don’t resent me and see me as a part of their life.
The hard part of our situation was that when I first got involved, I felt like there were still many kinks to be worked out in their arrangement. Their marriage fell apart during his first wife’s pregnancy so it was an extremely complicated time. Also, people often assumed their divorce was because of me, which was not the case.
I would tell Princess Beatrice to make sure that the arrangements between her new husband and his ex are extremely clear and written down on paper. It is much better to go through the legal process of arranging custody when you are still friends, not when you have no choice but to use a lawyer.