The word ‘no’ is a recent friend. One I thought was a bad influence on me in my early twenties, until we finally became better acquainted later in life.
For a while, I’d convinced myself that ‘yes’ was synonymous with prosperity. That making yourself available meant keeping the door open in case fortuity came knocking. I, like many young people trying to break into the entertainment business, assumed that success meant never turning down an opportunity. That ‘no’ was for the lazy, the work-shy or the ungrateful.
I told myself I’d be a social butterfly – accessible, amenable, available. No chance would pass me by because I, a networker, an extrovert, a pursuer-of-chances, would be on-hand to say ‘absolutely’ to all things. But then I got tired. Knackered. And realised that the social butterfly analogy is a bloody fitting one, since butterflies have a lifespan of six sodding weeks.
So, when tennis supernova Naomi Osaka harnessed her autonomy and said no to doing press at the French Open, I was in awe. Here was a woman with the sporting world at her feet, publicly denouncing the toll that work-related requests can place on our mental health. ‘I’ve often felt that people have no regard for athletes’ mental health and this rings very true whenever I ee a press conference or partake in one,’ she wrote online. ‘We’re often sat there and asked questions that bring doubt into our minds and I’m just not going to subject myself to people that doubt me.’
Now while this is perhaps more graceful than anything I would have said to an organisation that appears to make no concessions for social anxiety, Osaka was alluding to her right to say no. Her prerogative to free herself from obligation. To live by her own rules.
When tennis supernova Naomi Osaka harnessed her autonomy and said no to doing press at the French Open, I was in awe. Here was a woman with the sporting world at her feet, publicly denouncing the toll that work-related requests can place on our mental health.
As a result, she was fined $15,000 for her failure to participate in the initial press conference and eventually withdrew from the competition after an ongoing power struggle with officials, who had warned of suspension for failure to comply with future media commitments.
She has since withdrawn from this year's Wimbledon also, but is planning on returning at the Tokyo Olympics, according to her agent. "She is taking some personal time with friends and family," he said in a statement on Thursday. "She will be ready for the Olympics and is excited to play in front of her home fans."
What this all means for mental health, race and the workplace will no doubt reverberate far longer than any two-week tournament in Paris ever could.
You see the issue at play here was control, the kind of control that can feel autocratic when Black bodies are at stake. And Osaka’s refusal to submit to the threat of punishment was a direct affront to that generational and systemic superiority complex – a near-tyrannical world view that teaches those ‘in charge’ that public figures from the Black community are simply there to entertain, to toil, to speak on cue. And that we should be grateful for the privilege.
But the lesson in this is one that should speak to anyone with a desire to protect their peace. ‘We become full-time people- pleasers and ignore the little voice inside that isn’t feeling happy and wants us to stop,’ said clinical psychologist and therapist-to- the-stars Dr Charlie Howard, when I asked her about what can happen if we don’t set boundaries. ‘By learning to say no, we are starting to value ourselves and to tell ourselves that we are important, too.’
A fear of missing out that persuades us that the life-changing-million-dollar-promotion- and-Beyoncé-meet-and-greet might exist on the other side of every obligation.
I used to convince myself that if I turned down a hosting invitation it would inevitably be the one that Beyoncé showed up to. So, for a while, I agreed to compère every product launch, ribbon cutting and niche awards ceremony going, certain that saying yes was best. And while my career has been aided by some of these bookings, I have now discovered the joy in indulging the overworked voice in my head that would much rather stay home.
You see, many of us are convinced that saying no will be to our detriment. A fear of missing out that persuades us that the life-changing-million-dollar-promotion- and-Beyoncé-meet-and-greet might exist on the other side of every obligation.
But by freeing ourselves of this crippling fear, with the same poise and self-awareness shown by Naomi Osaka, we empower ourselves to be the gatekeepers of our own happiness – allowing our plans to change as our moods do and never allowing perception or guilt to set the agenda.
‘Think about what you are gaining from saying no rather than what you are losing,’ says Dr Howard. ‘Learning to say no and helping our teams to see the value of this too is absolutely crucial to [your] wellbeing and long-term career. Ultimately, nobody can perform if they’re burnt out.’
So, let’s say yes to less. Because ‘no’ is not occupational or social suicide. And refusing to stay late at the office (real or WFH), attend work drinks or schmooze clients does not make you less of a team player. It simply makes you an advocate for your own mental health, one that recognises the importance of boundaries and choice. ‘No’ is not an excuse, it’s a legitimate decision. Shorthand for ‘I don’t have the capacity for this,’ ‘I’d rather not commit to that,’ or ‘I just don’t feel up to it.’ Rest, recovery and reflection are all essential parts of human survival. And it isn’t your job to sacrifice those things for an idea as elusive as ‘success’.
Ashley ‘Dotty’ Charles is the author of ‘Outraged: Why Everyone Is Shouting And No One Is Talking’ (Bloomsbury UK)