You’d think that the most controversial act of parenting we could expect from Kylie Jenner recently would have been the moment when she decked out a party with multiple giant replicas of her daughter’s head. But no. The world moves on, and the new story comes from a video Kylie shared, which shows Stormi addressing her mother as ‘Kylie’ rather than mum or mummy. Stormi can be heard saying ‘hi Kylie’ to which Kylie laughs and responds, ‘that’s not my name, my name’s mommy!’
The online comments on the video have been predictably critical of Kylie, with various people suggesting that Kylie ‘doesn’t spend enough time’ with her daughter, that she ‘doesn’t want to be called mum because it’s not cool’, or that Kylie is ‘so absentee that Stormi doesn’t know her’ (which doesn’t make much sense when you think about it.) Kylie’s seemingly relaxed attitude to her daughter using her name, rather than calling her mummy, seems to have rankled.
I called my own mum by her first name (and my dad by his) from my teens. As a child I called them mummy and daddy, and I never managed to get into the habit of calling them mum and dad. So I just started using their names. Which isn’t exactly bonkers when you consider that that is what every single other person in the world calls them. It doesn’t make me any less their daughter; it just reflects the more egalitarian relationship we have had as I’ve got older.
When you first become a parent, even in pregnancy, there is a tendency to swap out your name for ‘mum’. Various women have spoken publicly about wishing that doctors and nurses would call them by their names, rather than ‘mum’ during medical appointments and it’s a hot topic on parenting forum, Mumsnet. Of course it’s quicker and easier for a medical practitioner to go for ‘mum’ rather than a name, but during a time of your life where your identity is changing a great deal, it’s understandable that women might want the person providing their care to use their name, not their new job title. Sophie, 34*, has one daughter who is four. She tells me, ‘I sometimes feel like hearing my name is a treat – I’m so used to ‘mumma mumma mumma’ all day long. My husband and I even call each other mummy and daddy during conversation. When I see my friends and they say my name it feels like a huge relief. I’d be sad if my daughter started calling me by my name, because being a mother is very special and important to me, but at the same time, I do associate “mummy” or “mumma” with being an unpaid slave to a tiny dictator.’
If you begin to Google, you find hundreds of requests for help about how to stop a child from using your first name, when a child should switch from ‘mummy’ to ‘mum’, what it means if a child calls you by your name and how to ‘stop’ them from doing so. Clearly there is a whole lot of parental anxiety about what your child calls you. And from the reaction Kylie Jenner has got, that’s understandable.
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Personally I could see an argument for keeping your name after you have children. It’s a huge aspect of your identity. There is no other life change you can go through which results in your name being temporarily removed from you. Upon getting married, you’re not known as ‘wife’. Having children is, of course, an enormous and important life change. For some women it does mean a change of identity. But for others, becoming ‘mum’ instead of your name is a difficult experience of erasure. Just as we assess whether or not we want to change our surnames when we get married, perhaps we should be giving more thought to what our children call us.