What do you imagine when you think of a midlife crisis? Perhaps men buying new sports cars or bored housewives having affairs with their tennis coach. Basically, anything to prove you’re still young and not destined to spend the rest of your life in suburbia, mowing the lawn, with 2.4 children. Right? Except, while those clichés might have had a ring of truth for our parents’ generation, if you’re a Millennial, middle-age looks quite different.
The oldest Millennials are now 43 and verging on ‘midlife’ as it’s been rebranded. There’s plenty to make us feel old: the resurgence of noughties fashion, a Mean Girls remake and being told our trainer socks are tragic by Gen Z. I turned 40 this year and, despite emerging grey hairs and fine lines, feel like I haven’t grown up enough to have earned them. I still can’t drive, treat my cat as though she were my child and earn a precarious living as a freelancer; the idea of a ‘job for life’, with a pension, having been consigned to the past.
As Alicia, 40, from London puts it, ‘I look at my finances and think, “This isn’t how I imagined middle-age.” I still feel like a student, in survival mode.’
It’s not surprising, when you consider the Millennial story. Midlife crisis? Our entire adult lives have been in crisis since graduating into an economic crash: squeezed by unstable jobs, mediocre salaries, expensive housing and eye-watering childcare costs. We’re known for staying at home with our parents, living in flatshares for longer, selling our clothes online as a ‘side hustle’ and burning out, all against a backdrop of political and economic uncertainty. In fact, recent studies have found, overall, Millennials earn 20% less than Baby Boomers did at the same life stage.
We’re also the generation that delayed its milestones – marrying and having children later (if at all) and struggling to buy our own homes. According to a survey by Gallup, Millennials also change jobs more than any other cohort. But time rudely hasn’t paid attention to our slower schedule, meaning that we’re starting to feel the pressures associated with middle-age – demanding children, ageing parents with health problems, career disillusionment – when we’ve barely sorted all that other stuff. (Who has the money or time to go for PT sessions, let alone shag the trainer?)
‘There’s a belief that we should have achieved certain things by a certain age, influenced by what we saw our parents doing – but that hasn’t been relevant for our lives,’ says therapist Meryn Addison. ‘Not having reached those big milestones is leading to low self-esteem, depression and unhappiness, especially if we see others doing it “better” on social media. Our parents didn’t have the opportunities we’ve had, but there was a sense of security there. Millennials have been winging it, which is exhausting and leaves us feeling like kids.’
Little wonder a recent survey found that 81% of us think a midlife crisis is an affordable luxury. Plus, how can we rebel against a secure lifestyle we’ve never known? For most geriatric Millennials I know, myself included, what’s going down is more akin to a midlife panic.
And it’s taken a lot of people by surprise. Seeing as we’re hitting milestones later, midlife crises should, by that reasoning, be some way off... we’re unprepared, basically.
Could part of it also be that we’ve been infantilised as a generation, with our extended adolescence highlighted over and over (think ‘adulting’) and a narrative that ‘30 is the new 20’ meaning that we have no idea how to cope now?
Addison’s clients ask her, ‘Is this as good as it gets?’ ‘They’ve either worked hard, but feel “what was it all for?” because they haven’t achieved the things they were promised. Or they’ve got a good career, but because they’ve been constantly rewarded for hard work, they can’t stop and feel burnt out,’ she explains. ‘I see so many Millennials having a crisis of identity and asking, “Is this what I really want?” They feel lost.’
‘I’ve been slogging away for almost 20 years but I’m not where I thought I’d be,’ says Grace, 40, from Manchester. ‘So many friends are pivoting careers, but I’m not sure I can afford to retrain. As for having a family? I’ve no idea how to make that work and am wondering whether to not bother. My parents bought a second home at around this age – that’s laughable to me.’
Frankie, 42, from Kent, is dealing with small children and ageing parents. ‘We delayed getting married and having a family, but now we have all the responsibilities and stress at the same time. It feels like too much, but it’s impossible to slow down.’
It means that, instead of a midlife crisis based on splashing out materially, the Millennial experience is one of internal questioning: do I want a family? To move away? Go travelling? ‘We’re rethinking everything we’ve internalised about what’s important and asking whether it’s right for us,’ says Addison. ‘It’s about working out your values and what’s meaningful to you – less about holding on to youth.’
The good news is that we might be uniquely prepared to cope, as Millennials are resilient. We’re also used to sharing more openly, so we can talk and support each other. Addison encourages her clients to slow down. ‘We really need to think, “What am I enjoying in my life?” and carve out time for that,’ she says.
As for an affair with the PT? ‘I haven’t seen that coming up yet,’ Addison laughs, ‘but maybe that will happen in our fifties.’