I was 32 when I had sex for the first time. I had been dating my then-boyfriend for eight months, but I had been waiting to experience physical intimacy for what felt like forever. Recently, Rebel Wilson made the same admission in her new memoir, saying persistent body image issues put her off sex until she was 35. It was only after her mother’s cancer diagnosis that she decided to stop letting fear hold her back – after which she dated actor Mickey Gooch Jr. Now, she’s engaged to fashion designer Ramona Agruma, with whom she has a baby, and describes her sexuality as ‘fluid’.
Like Wilson, preserving my virginity was never a conscious decision. In my twenties, I wanted to embark on a ‘ho phase’ so badly, but just didn’t have it in me. I wasn’t waiting for true love, I just wanted to experience all those firsts with someone who mattered.
My virgin status never worried me as a teen. I was academic, went to college early and travelled. I put all my energy into things I knew had positive outcomes and dating always felt like the unknown. I was scared. I felt invisible to men. No one ever asked me out. I wondered, am I grotesque? What am I doing wrong? I know now, aged 33, that there was nothing wrong with me, that dating is a learned skill set and that it’s OK to wait for the experience you want to have.
I tried dating apps, but I’d get creeped out. When I revealed I was inexperienced, men on apps had one of three reactions: an overtly sexual, ‘I’ll show you a whole new world,’ a freaked out, ‘You’re weird,’ or they played therapist and expected me to dump some major trauma. But there was no trauma; I had a normal, loving family.
The longer I went without dating, the more I internalised shame. I was convinced I was the only one going through this, right up until I downloaded TikTok in 2020 and saw a video of a woman talking about being a ‘late bloomer’. I found a new community and decided to make my own video. All I wanted was to shed my shame, but I gained 40,000 followers in the process.
The reaction gave me the confidence to download dating apps again. And the first person to ask me out ended up being my first boyfriend. He introduced me, really beautifully, to so many firsts – including sex. I’ll admit, the first time wasn’t perfect. I was terrified, him doing everything possible to make me feel comfortable. But eventually, after I stopped letting the fear overwhelm me, it was incredible.
Now, I’m something of a spokesperson for ‘late bloomers’ and try to dispel the archetypal virgin image you see joked about on TV. Many wonderful, successful people put off dating to prioritise other pursuits. The one thing we all experienced was shame. So if one person sees my videos and realises there’s nothing wrong with them, I’ll be happy.