The last 18 months have made us really question the relationships that are serving us and what we will and won’t tolerate anymore. But sometimes we stop short of challenging people because we worry about being unkind. The ‘be kind’ rhetoric has turned into a means of not holding people to account. Instead, we swallow intolerable behaviour, especially when it comes to our friends.
We set boundaries with children, but when it comes to adults we really struggle to set and communicate them. Then we end up causing harm to ourselves, building up resentment, because we're not really being honest about how their behaviour has impacted on us.
Lots of people are waking up to the fact that they play a part in tackling the racism they see in society.
Lots of people are waking up to the fact that they play a part in tackling the racism they see in society, around the dinner table or on friendly WhatsApp groups. The first step is by being honest with yourself about whether your words and values align with your behaviour. If they don't, then changes need to be made. Then think whether you're doing enough to challenge those around you.
If a friend has said something problematic or something that’s made you feel uncomfortable, you could say: ‘I have a really strong boundary around racism ( or other forms of discrimination). It causes people a lot of harm. I know that you care about people, so I'm curious as to why you keep saying this, or why you find this funny. This makes me feel X.’ Sometimes it's as simple as holding a firm boundary: ‘Don't do this in front of me. It's not okay.’
If it’s time to walk away from a friendship, you'll know instinctively.
If it’s time to walk away from a friendship, you'll know instinctively. If you've repeatedly held boundaries and there's no attempt to change behaviour, then it's about drawing a line. We won’t tackle racism if we can't name it or address it, and addressing it means being able to have difficult conversations, where both people withstand the discomfort instead of shutting down. Likewise, if, in a cross racial relationship specifically, a person who is black or brown is saying that your words or behaviour is harmful, regardless of intent, it's about acknowledging the harm caused, apologising and changing behaviour, not getting caught up in defensiveness.
There's no magic formula and the more we start stretching ourselves with these conversations, the more intuitive it will feel. It can be hard with old friendships because there's a loyalty, familiarity and often love there. But if they're repeatedly causing you pain, then you have to put your well-being first. We can't tackle every single incident of racism, but we can certainly be doing a lot more than we are now. Because racism will continue to reproduce itself and stay alive until we finally have the courage to address it.
The Good Ally is out now, published by HarperCollins.
READ MORE: Why Are People Still Denying The Endemic Racism In The UK?