It’s 10.23pm on Sunday night, I’m still hungover, bored and all Netflixed out. My fingers are idly scrolling through various social media apps and web pages. Before I know it, I arrive at a familiar location: my exes gmail account..
Apparently, I’m not alone – according to a study by cyber security company SpecopsSoft.com, 27% of people log into their exes social media accounts. A massive 69% of people confessed to logging into their exes Instagram. Of those who do it, 62% say they’re obsessed - and they're just the ones who admit to it.
The study, which spoke to 2,568 people, suggests that we're no longer just watching our exes on social media, but logging into their accounts to find out personal information they would never share with the public.
And even if people aren't actually logging in, they're wondering how they can. Another recent study by Case24.com found that 12,410 Brits google how to hack someone's Instagram account every month. While that may not always be an ex, likelihood is they're high up on the list of potential targets.
According to SpecopsSoft's resarch, most people who hack their exes reduce how often they log in around six months post-breakup, stopping altogether at 10 months. But, 16% of still log in more than two years later.
Guilty.
My ex and I broke up two years ago, and while we’re not friends, we’re on decent terms.
But good terms or otherwise, I spent the weeks after we broke up, attempting to hack anything I could that would give me some clue as to what he was up to. I knew it was a horrible invasion of his privacy, a pointless exercise and ultimately self-destructive, but regardless of how unhealthy I knew this was for both of us, I still did it.
Eventually, I started to put my own health first and stopped trying to hack or search all his social media accounts. I unfollowed him to prevent unwanted reminders (and still don't), but there was one exception I couldn’t stop myself going back to: his emails.
His email account is the easiest thing for me to access, because I know the password. It's also where I get the most information about his life.
I hate to admit to it, but concern for his privacy doesn't bother me. After two years living in each-others pockets, I felt (unfairly) entitled to know about his life post-break-up. And two years on, when he pops into my mind, I still find myself sneaking into his inbox to check what he’s up to.
It’s like a story that’s been stopped mid-way through, everybody wants to know what happens next
‘People are very curious after a break-up,’ says Lucy Fuller, psychotherapist and Counselling Directory member. ‘I don’t think it matters who broke up with who. It’s like a story that’s been stopped mid-way through, everybody wants to know what happens next, what does their life look like without me?’
In my mind, I don’t particularly care what I find. He could have moved on with someone new, be getting married, or have moved to a new country – in fact, over the last two years he has done two out of three of these things. My response was little more than intrigue, but I’d be remiss to think there isn’t more to the story.
‘There’s a number of reasons why you would keep doing it,’ Fuller continues. ‘Some of it is to check they’re not having a better life than you – in the hope they’re miserable as a result of the break-up. For social media, it can be difficult because some people are very good at making their lives look amazing and then it’s just going to make you feel terrible trying to live up to someone’s image.’
Checking someone’s emails though, Fuller says, is different – because that is the information they won’t share with the world. That she says, is more likely to indicate you’re looking for validation that your life is better than theirs.
It would make sense, after all we live in a culture where winning a break-up is seen as sign of success. Whether it’s the problematic notion of a revenge body, or just the way we paint our lives to look fabulous online – it wouldn’t be a far stretch of the imagination to assume the true target audience of that is someone that once hurt you. After all, showing someone they no longer have power over your emotions seems to be the true motivation of the façade we often put up post break-up.
Looking inward, I have always struggled with the idea that someone could control my happiness so easily. And so, if checking my exes emails is an attempt to prove to myself that I am ‘winning’ this break-up, it would make sense.
I know that I shouldn't be reading my ex-boyfriend's emails. Hacking someone completely disrespects their boundaries. And while I know all this is true, I can’t say that logic helps when I’m bored at night and opening his emails comes as naturally as opening Instagram.
Perhaps one day I’ll grow a conscience and actually stop myself. But until then, there is one lesson we can all take from this: after a break-up, make sure you change your passwords.
Read More:
Ask An Adult: What's The Best Way To Deal With An Ex On Social Media?
Following Your Ex On Social Media Is Bad For Your Mental Health