It started as a thoughtful touch from a flower company. In 2019 Bloom and Wild offered customers the choice to say no to emails about Mother’s Day and hundreds of customers praised this innovative way of tailoring messages that might upset their recipients. So far, so sensitive. Flowers are uniquely associated with gifting and indeed motherhood and thrice weekly suggestions of pink bouquets when you’ve recently lost your mum or are struggling with your own journey to motherhood would be at best pretty annoying, at worst utterly devastating.
Fast forward five years and we’ve reached peak opt-out. In the time I’ve written this introduction, a week and a half before Father’s Day, I’ve received three emails, all essentially a variation on ‘Is your dad dead or a deadbeat and thus you’d really rather we didn’t offer you ten percent off a new window blind right now?’ One from a posh ready meal brand, one from a laundry delivery company and one from an e-learning course. Now I might not have had a dad for a couple of decades but even I’m pretty sure that frozen lasagne, a duvet deep clean and six weeks to master SEO isn’t what most men are hoping to open come June the 16th.
As someone who hasn’t had anyone to send a Father’s Day card to for most of my adult life (and considering today’s cards mostly seem to say something like ‘you look like a poo, you old useless idiot’ maybe that’s not a bad thing) I’m mostly over finding Father’s Day tough. There was the time where I’d have to dash through Marks & Spencers with imaginary blinkers lest the sports-themed socks display had me weeping, and I’d deliberately not go to a pub on the day itself for the fear that I’d be overcome with jealousy that everyone else still had theirs to celebrate with. Nowadays I hardly notice it happening, or at least I would if I didn’t have a reminder in my inbox every five minutes demanding information about my fatherless state. The regular marketing communications about the day stung a lot less than the ones asking me to go in and tick a big NO DAD HERE box.
Everyone does it now, even companies that have nothing to do with Father’s Day, it just feels really exploitative.
When I posted on Instagram one that had been the final straw that day, from a pizza restaurant chain who understood it was a ‘sensitive time’ and so I might want a break from discounted dough balls, I was inundated by people who felt the same. ‘I hate this, these do you want not to hear emails start so early it really draws Father’s Day out and makes me feel sad for ages’, said one. ‘Everyone does it now even companies that have nothing to do with Father’s Day, it just feels really exploitative,’ said another. One message that really struck me said: ‘It’s so much harder than just getting the original piece of marketing, I don’t want to take time out of my day to actively have to tell a company I don’t have a dad anymore’.
The word ‘actively’ made me realise exactly why, even I as a veteran member of the dead parent club, find these emails so upsetting. These emails demand a small but powerful piece of action and acknowledgment on our parts. For me it reminds me of every awkward conversation I had in my 20’s when meeting new people who asked if your parents were still together or what your dad did, and I’d have to mumble ‘ummm he died.’ Twenty odd years later and the digital version of that mumble can cut just as deep.
Dr Liz White, Consultant Clinical Psychologist and Director of Harley Clinical Psychology explains why: ‘Often people experience what feels like a mismatch and confusion between the head: what I know to be true (my dad died) and the heart: what I feel (it doesn’t make sense my dad isn’t here anymore). These emails jolt you into that truth and by actively unsubscribing, it is as though you are admitting this truth to yourself: the head and the heart have to align, and this is deeply painful and brings to the fore the sadness of the loss no matter when it was.’
With opt out emails showing no signs of disappearing, what can those of us that find them difficult do (short of unsubscribing from every company ever because actually I might want that 10% off a window blind, dad or no dad)?
Psychotherapist Kamalyn Kaur has this advice, 'acknowledge your emotions and allow yourself to feel what you are feeling without judgement. Recognise that it’s ok to feel upset, sad, or angry. If you can, limit your exposure to triggering content by unsubscribing from emails, unfollowing accounts, or using tools to filter out certain topics from your digital space. Be kind to yourself and engage in activities that make you feel better such as exercise, meditation, mindfulness, self-care, catching up with loved one etc.
'Prioritise your wellbeing,' Kaur continues. 'If those particular times of the year are triggering and upsetting then create your own rituals that will help you honour your feelings, experiences, and how you are feeling in a way that feels right to you. Finally, seek support by talking to family, friends, or even a professional about how you are feeling. It helps to share how you are feeling and if speaking to a professional then can give you a safe space to process your emotions and build some coping strategies.’