**Dear Daisy
I'm getting married this summer and my only sister is being completely selfish and unhelpful. She is used to being the centre of attention in my family and can't stand the fact that for once the spotlight is on her. It’s hurtful and difficult, especially since I have so many other things to worry about in the months before the big day.
I don't know what to do.
Yours,
Upset Bride To Be**
Dear BTB,
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS! Life as a wife, and as a bride to be, ought to be lovely. You’ve met the love of your life, and you’re going to have a lovely big party - hooray! You’ll get to attend a gathering of all the people you adore the most - and some might even bring you gifts! Wahoo! For the only time in your life, you’re allowed to consider spending a hundred pounds on a Kate Spade cotton tote emblazoned with the word ‘Mrs’ and a sequined bottle of champagne on the front, and sigh ‘Oh, you know, I do crazy things under pressure!’ Essentially, everyone has to be nice to you.
But your sister isn’t. And you know why she isn’t - because attention is a toy she doesn’t want to share. Because no one is hugging her and tipping gallons of prosecco down her throat. Because you’re about to undergo a major life change, and she’s not sure what that means for your relationship, or her own goals, or the future, and so she’s acting out.
When you’re happy, you want to share your wealth, but when you’re sad and someone close to you is very happy, even the sanest, smartest people in the world can start behaving in a way best described by the phrase ‘going fully Gollum’.
You could confront her. Appeal to her better nature, and say that it’s really important to have her by your side on the day, but you need to feel supported. You can’t include her in the celebrations unless she shows you that she’s on side, and you can’t imagine the day without her. She might listen, absorb your words and get it together. Or she might shout, scream, deny everything and be even worse than before.
Morally, what I’m about to suggest might not be the wisest or most compassionate course of action, but I suspect it’s the most effective. Ignore her, in a contained way. When she makes demands, say ‘Yes, of course, anything you like!’ and then carry on regardless. If she’s insisting on wearing a green dress when the other bridesmaids are in blue, say it’s fine - and then, when her blue frock arrives claim that there was a last minute change and you’re so sorry, you must have missed her off the email.
Promise to invite her twenty awful friends, and then say that the RSVPs came in and they’re all at other weddings, or they got food poisoning at other weddings and can’t make it. If you’ve got the energy and patience, invent one mad, pointless chore that she can rage-fully ruin (you want her to source sparkly tulips, or small Lindt truffles in the shape of snails). If she does it, you can make a big fuss and give her the attention she craves. If she fails deliberately or accidentally, make a big deal about not really minding, and it how it was terribly sweet for her to try. Of course, you shouldn’t have to go to these lengths when you’re in the middle of planning your wedding, but if the event is turning her into a baby the only way to deal with her is to channel your inner babysitter. If you start now, she will hopefully become bored, and tired, and start behaving like an adult human in time for the big day.
Any married person will tell you that wedding planning never goes to plan. There’s always an awkward sister, an awful aunt, that guy your partner went to uni with who demands an invitation even though he’s started fires at three other weddings and, aged 32, demands to be addressed as ‘Shotz’. I spent a lot of my prep time down the K-hole - the Kate Spade hole - because I wanted to live in fantasy land, pretending I was having a perfect Nantucket wedding where everyone got a decorative rose gold frog prince placeholder, instead of one where it felt like all 130 guests emailed me every day to ask where the nearest car park was.
So I promise your sister isn’t robbing you of a perfect pre-marital experience, because there is no such thing. Sisters, love them or hate them, are around for life - and probably a bit easier to bring to heel than a make up artist who makes you look like Gene Simmons, or a cake maker who sees baking powder as an optional extra. It’s definitely worth enlisting trusted friends or family members to help with sister management. You need one confidant for serious bitching, because if you slag her off to everyone you’re giving her too much oxygen, and power. Then you need a team of people who will manage her like a child, or puppy, and can keep an eye on her outbursts and distract her with a walk, a ball or a chocolate biscuit.
Ultimately, your wedding is going to be filled with love - the love of your partner, your friends and all the people in the world who care about you the most. I think there’s every chance that, as the date draws nearer, your sister will realise that she’s in that category, she’ll work out that she’s genuinely happy for you and she’ll start behaving herself. But you’ll be so full of love that you’ll feel invincible, and no-one will be able to take their eyes of you, for all the right reasons, no matter how loudly she screams ‘Look at me!’
Lots of love,
Daisy x
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