My dad won’t eat octopus because he thinks they’re smarter than humans, but he’ll happily eat sausages. One of my environmentally friendly friends uses beeswax wrap instead of clingfilm, but will think nothing of taking an 11-hour flight to LA. Another friend boycotts Amazon – until he really needs something quickly. My own inconsistent moral rule? I love bitching but I loathe gossip.
How can I have such opposing views on the same thing? After all, aren’t bitching and gossiping essentially the same? I won’t bring the dictionary into it, so I’ll just explain how I differentiate them in my head. Bitching is reflecting on something one or both parties have witnessed or experienced: ‘Can you believe Sally arrived at my birthday party at 8pm and left by 9?’ Gossiping is sharing information neither party should be privy to: ‘Mike saw Sally in The Red Lion, cheating on her husband with their neighbour.’
When it comes down to it, are either of those conversations morally distinguishable? Not really, because they’re both judgemental. I’m not claiming moral superiority here, it’s just that I want to judge them as fairly as pos- sible and in context. It may sound nonsensical to claim that I’d prefer to condemn someone for, say, their rude email tone rather than whether they broke their marriage vows. But only one of those things really affects me.
I’d venture that gossiping ruins more relationships than bitching. We saw this play out in the most recent series of The White Lotus. Over the course of eight episodes, a trio of lifelong friends take turns to bitch about each other in pairs when the third one isn’t around. ‘Have you noticed how much she drinks?’ ‘I can’t believe she voted for Trump.’ ‘She’s married to her job.’ Mostly, this doesn’t cause problems, until one woman tells another who the third slept with. Gossip, not bitching, is what tips the group over the edge into chaos and fighting.
Whatever the difference between bitching and gossiping, scientists have found that both can be beneficial. In 2019, researchers from the University of California attached audio recorders to almost 500 people and discovered that, on average, we talk about people who aren’t present for 52 minutes each day. They also discovered that men and women gossip equally, although younger people and extroverts gossip more. They found gossip helps us bond with others, validates our emotions and fosters group cooperation. Meanwhile, scientists have also found that ‘social venting’ (surely just a fancy word for bitching) can make the friend you’re venting with like you more.
I’ve found bitching helps me bond with others in a way that gossiping doesn’t. I clearly remember the relief I felt after I texted, ‘Was it just me or was Becky being a bit clingy tonight?’ after a party, and my recipient replied, ‘OMG YES!!’ On that day, a regular friend became a good friend. Bitching helps me confirm that my friends and I see things the same way – my view of the world is their view too. It wasn’t OK what she said to me. She should not have brought her boyfriend along on a girls’ night.
Conversely, gossip makes me distrust people I otherwise love. If you tell me about somebody’s secret, why shouldn’t I assume you’ll do the same to me? If I see the little grey arrow on the bottom left of a WhatsApp message, how do I know that you haven’t forwarded my message to others?
When I was 19 and at university, I went on a bitching break. Back then, I didn’t like who I was and decided that quitting bitching would turn me into a ‘good person’. For three months, I didn’t say a single negative word about anyone. By the end of it, I wasn’t magically a better person – you have to actively do good to achieve that – I just felt frustrated and isolated. I hadn’t given myself the opportunity to (socially) vent.
However, I can happily go for years without sharing secrets or rumours. In fact, spread- ing information about other people makes me feel nauseous, and I really mean it when I say ‘Of course’ when people tell me something and ask me to keep it between us. But a gentle bitch about someone? No problem.