Alright you guys, it’s time to come down off your high horses and accept that X Factor’s back and that you’re going to watch every darn minute of it. I live under the belief that no-one out there is too good for X Factor, not one person. It’s basically the genesis behind our generation’s version of the whole tree falling in the forest question; is X Factor the thing you love to hate? Or the thing you hate to love? We’ll never know.
This year, we’re very, very interested to see what role Rita Ora’s going to play. Can she play the villain we all wanted Mel B to be? Unlikely. Also; Grimmy! We love you, but we held a special place in our hearts for Louis. Good luck trying to top the mad warblings of that chap.
And don’t even get us started on how excited we are for Simon Cowell and his epic selection of jeans and sheux to be back on our screens.
With all of this in mind we’ve put together a lovely drinking game to help you get through tonight’s viewing (and tomorrow’s if you’re feeling it). The concept is simple; have a booze of your choice each time any of the following inevitable things happen….
Every time you hear the heartbreaking strains of Adele’s Hometown Glory, Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars or, true X Factor style; Leona Lewis Keep Bleeding. Cowell loves a good plinky plonk on the piano.
The cynical eyebrow raise and sceptical ‘Brave choice’ Cowell will respond with when any female vocalist says she’s going to sing Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You.
Any time anyone does the splits.
Any time an adorable pensioner comes on and sings a warbly version of Vera Lynn to be met by a patronising ‘It’s a no from me.... but thank you!’ from each of the judges. Bonus points if there’s shot of said pensioner getting the bus home afterwards.
In fact, any time any of the contestants are filmed getting on a bus on the way there. Seeing as the film crew were heading to the auditions anyways, they probably could have given them a lift and saved them £2.30 right?
Whenever a fully formed boy or girl group is ripped apart at their very seams after Simon or Cheryl suggests the lead singer might be better as a solo artist and asks them to come back later in the day and tearfully choke their way through the most ironic version of Pharrell’s Happy that ever existed.
Any time anyone male, female old or young sings Thinking Out Loud. We’re getting in there early and touting it as this year’s answer to Titanium as an audition song.
Any time anything as amazing as the joy that was Ablisa happens. Although this will never happen so good luck with this one.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.