The Killer Magic set up is, more or less, Derren Brown and Dynamo directing an episode of Come Dine With Me with an element of the News At Ten. Five magicians rate each other’s performance out of 10, and the magician with the lowest combined score has to take part in a trick that has killed other magicians in the past. The trouble is that the fun is taken out of the show, and the title, because you know that it’s enormously unlikely that any magicians are really going to die. Well, we’d have heard about it. To my knowledge, there have been no headlines announcing ‘REALITY SHOW KILLS MAGICIAN.’
The magicians have been given clever and inventive nicknames. Dee is ‘The Goth’ because he is dressed in clothes that he seemingly found in the boot of someone’s Mondeo in the carpark of a Sisters Of Mercy reunion show. Damien is ‘The Geezer’ because he’s got a hat on. Ben is ‘The Gent’ because his nan got him some Jack Wills underwear for Christmas. Chris is ‘The Geek’, because he is wearing spectacles. And Jaz is ‘The Girl’, because she is the only woman taking part. Seriously, BBC3? SERIOUSLY?
Each episode of Killer Magic has a theme, and this week, it’s food. This pleases Damien no end, because he ‘literally eats food every day.’ He takes a pack of cards, triggering a weepy Palovian response in every woman watching who has ever met a guy who has read The Game. He gets someone to choose and sign a card, and then magics it into his battered cod. The mark shrieks endearingly, and his pal is dazzled. ‘NO! SHIT! IT’S GOT MY NAME ON IT! DID HE CATCH THE FISH AND THEN BATTER IT!? IT’S INSIDE THE FISH! INNIT?! IN IT!’ Damien, can this fellow still eat his fish, or have you ruined it for him in the name of showing off? Still, his other magicians score him a respectable 31 in total.
Then Ben’s up. He takes his subjects into an ice cave, and takes all his clothes off. He asks the girls to choose their ‘favourite eggs’ from a box, and drops them down his pants after urging them to peer inside and check that he isn’t harbouring extra eggs. Readers, if any man ever says, ‘I am a magician, so you have to look at my willy,’ report them to the authorities. Ben, erm, magically boils the eggs down his pants. ‘You can eat them if you like!’ he beams at the women, who look like they would sooner just have a bit of museli. Then he toasts some bread through dinner plates. Not sure what to make of Ben. Obviously, he’s a perv and a half, but think how useful he would be in one’s tent at Bestival. Ben’s hot pants win him 33 points.
Next, Chris ‘The Geek’ takes a woman named Stacey on a dream date. We know something odd is up because she claims her dream meal is spag bol, and her perfect man is Simon Webbe from Blue. Nowt wrong with either, but one suspects Stacey has been told to temper her dreams to fit the Killer Magic budget. ‘So he needs to be UK based, available, bit homely… well, I quite like Jason Manford…’ The trick is a contrived disaster – the first thing geeky Chris produces are the words, ‘Your dream meal,’ spelled out in Alphabetti Spaghetti, under a chafing dish. Then Simon Webbe turns out to be a Bonfire Guy made from tights. Then Chris whips the tablecloth away and nearly blinds poor Stacey with forks. When it turns out that it’s all an elaborate bluff, and of course Simon and the spaghetti are on the menu, we’ve lost interest. Chris gets a low 27, and NO STARS from me.
Dee The Goth’s main trick is convincing Imogen Thomas to appear, and then there’s a game of Russian roulette with a toad in a blender. The whole thing is fairly weak, with the main point of interest being poor Imogen’s hysteria that the general public will add ‘toad murderer’ to their litany of accusations levelled at her lovely face. It’s all fine, natch, but the combination of emotional and threatened animal cruelty leave the other magicians cold, and Dee gets the lowest score yet. And Jaz The Girl also does a number on her subject, taking him on a dinner date and eating the table settings, then levitating, before he leaves, totally spooked. It’s odd, because you expect him to be brought back and told he’s just seen some magic, but he just disappears into the night, presumably about to flag up some serious concerns to the match.com administrators.
When the final scores are called, Ben has won with his eggs and Dee has lost with his toad! He has to catch a bullet with his teeth, an illegal feat which has bumped off 12 magicians before him. So he’s using a paintball pellet. Wuss. A team of medical experts are called to confirm that the trick is, indeed, very dangerous, and Dee might die. But he catches the neon yellow high vis pellet and everyone gets to go home. It’s a bit dreary – he should have been in slightly more danger than the tortured toad.
Ultimately* Killer Magic* wobbles because it’s dull and flashy in all the wrong places. The trouble with any TV magic show is that you’re watching through a screen of scepticism, and it’s hard to find any tricks simple and thrilling enough to make you think everyone is saying what they see, and nothing has been tempered with a veneer of post-production gloss. The magicians featured are hugely talented, but none of them got close to my favourite mind-reading trick, in which Dynamo asked antipodean singer Natalie Imbruglia to think of a secret place close to her heart. Natalie obligingly closed her eyes, and Dynamo concentrated hard before asking, ‘Is it in Australia?’ Magicians: the benchmark is high.
Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollerGirl
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.