To paraphrase Katy Perry, I kissed a Mormon once, and it was alright. I don’t remember his name, but we were in Disneyworld’s Pleasure Island, knocking back epilepsy inducing rum and cokes (the ice cubes flashed), and I learned that he’d run away from his wives four days ago, he was on his second DUI of the week and he’d never been to a club before. What was a girl to do but pucker up?!
The Mormons of Centennial Park, Utah, do not look like they’re about to make a break for Disneyworld. We meet Isiah, a sixth generation polygamist, and his wives Marlene and Rebecca, who have five kids between them. 'I have 46... no, 47 brothers and sisters,' explains Rebecca, but to her credit, she does seem able to name them all. I wonder if they’re all Facebook friends.
Not knowing an awful lot about the Church Of The Latter Day Saints, I feared that Mormon husbands selected their wives using the League Of Gentlemen Papa Lazarou method, but it turns out that the power lies in the ladies’ hands. Women pray until they divine some guidance from God, then they tell the community leaders, who tell their new husband that he has been chosen. It’s probably no less effective than going on Take Me Out. Sparky Rebecca admits that she barely knew Isiah or Marlene when she decided she was marrying them, and acknowledges that the situation must have been tough on Marlene. 'I was your worst nightmare! I still am!' she teases, over date night Chinese food. 'Who’s up for babies?' says Isiah, and Rebecca waves her hand in the air, as if he’s just suggested getting another plate of Dim Sum.
I kissed a Mormon once, and it was alright
Isiah’s family might seem relatively carefree, but it’s not easy being a Mormon. And it’s definitely not supposed to be fun. Mormon patriarch Arthur is having a hard time keeping his son Ezra in check. Ezra isn’t into religion, but he does like big trucks and his non-religious girlfriend Tiffany, who is, as Ezra says 'freaking pretty'. Tiffany isn’t keen on multiple marriage, but Ezra is keen on getting hitched to her, even though, the first few times he mentions it, Tiffany looks visibly panicked. She’s about 17, bro! Cool your jets! Arthur isn’t keen on Tiffany either – Ezra tells his estranged sister that Arthur spied on his date and caught him in the middle of an 'illegal hug'. That either sounds very sexy, or very, very sad.
However, becoming a Mormon looks much more appealing when we meet Hyrum, to be pronounced to rhyme with 'Dayum, someone appears to have cast Bradley Cooper in the polygamy documentary!' Twitter was suddenly be rammed with people who were praying very hard to be matched with Hyrum, even they hadn’t set foot in a church since their niece’s Christening four years ago. Hyrum has been on his mission for almost four years, which means he can’t date, has a 10PM curfew and spends 15 minutes a day scripture reading. When Hyrum is told that a girl has finally chosen him (seriously, lady Mormons, where are your eyes?) the elders tell him off for being a bit stubbly. If he has to be in bed with the Bible at nightfall, when will he find the time to shave?
We’re brought back to reality by Michael and his three wives. 'I believe I can really, truly love more than one woman all at once,' he beams. Of course you can, Michael – look at their amazing plaits! Michael has too many kids to count, and feeding them costs almost a thousand dollars a week. So he takes one of the wives, Connie, out for a birthday meal, and tells her she needs to get back to work and leave Rose, another wife, to do all the childcare. And this is in a restaurant where the highlight of the menu is a chicken wrap. Connie passively aggressively hints that Rose is not capable of looking after the kids on her own. 'Here’s to you going back to work!' toasts Michael, firmly. Happy birthday, Connie.
Ultimately, the Mormons we meet seem like decent people who respect each other and value hard work. However, although the programme makers are reeling in the viewers with the sexy multiple wife scenario, living as a Mormon seems to be light on the shagging, heavy on the endless chores. All things considered, the community seems kind to women – even non Mormon Tiffany is eventually greeted with enthusiasm, despite having the sort of fringe that might make the most liberal Christian a bit nervous. Still, many of the Mormons fear fun as much as I fear Michael’s supermarket trip spreadsheet. Hyrum, if you ever decide this way of life is not for you, I’ll be in Disneyworld.
Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollergirl
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.