It’s the final episode of That Show Where We Learn What Happens When Brits Are Allowed To Go To A Foreign Country Where Pints Are 45p. At the start, we are huskily promised 'Sun, sea... and A&E!' so it’s safe to assume that we’re not going to see the sort of hangovers that can be fixed with a carton of Vita Coco and a Pret Love Bar.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I went to Sunny Beach in September and did not trouble any of their medics, despite getting through a sizeable quantity of dubious tasting caviar at the hotel buffet. I probably should have seen someone about my sunburn (Kids, cover up! There is nothing good about exposing the backs of your thighs to the light until they match the Pantone shade ‘Humiliated lobster’) but I self medicated with Hawaiian Tropic.
Anyway, we meet three lads from Chorley, who need special attention from the 'Sunny Med' hospital – and one of them is so committed to the carnival spirit that he’s brought his giant cocktail in with him while he waits for his mate to be patched up. That, or he misread the sign on the door as 'Bar Med'. Sunny Med does not look like the best place in the world to go for all your medical needs – I’d sooner be operated on in the Wetherspoons they just opened on the M40 – but the doctor is professional enough to advise the gang to give the alcohol a swerve. And this is a doctor who refers to the skull as the 'head bone'. But never mind that – the boys are more focused on their boners. 'I’ve spent the best part of a thousand English pounds, and the only girl I’ve slept with is from Chorley' laments the ginger one. Our hearts bleed. Maybe if you developed your seduction technique, because, weirdly, getting your penis out on the street and seeing if any passing women are interested doesn’t seem to be working for you.
Leona gets what’s coming to her when she is struck down with suspected appendicitis (which looks suspiciously like trapped wind.)
We meet three charming young women from Yorkshire, who are speaking out against the patriarchy through the art of chant. Apparently 'girls aren’t supposed to chant' but they don’t care. They bomb through Sunny Beach with the battle cry 'We’re from ******* Yorksire.' It’s sharp, it’s succinct, it’s easy to remember, even if you get as drunk as Beth, who was so far gone on the booze cruise that she can only dance by pulling on her hair in order to nod her head in time to the beat.
The saddest Sunny Beach story is not about a broken limb, but a broken heart. Jordan and Leona turn up for the week, boasting about their amazing 'platonic' friendship, when it’s clear, even to people watching other channels, that Jordan has been in love with Leona since he was 12. Leona, who is either cruel or stupid, ignores this, but she gets what’s coming to her when she is struck down with suspected appendicitis (which looks suspiciously like trapped wind.) Jordan, will you still love Leona when she admits she wrecked your holiday because she needed to do a loud, smelly fart?
Ultimately the last word belongs to the resident doctor and protector of the head bone at Sunny Beach med. 'I have no words to describe the stupidity of man.' If you must get a tattoo to commemorate your beach holiday in Bulgaria, that’s the slogan I’d go for.
Follow Daisy on Twitter @NotRollergirl
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.